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Advice Needed: We have a 14 year old daughter I am the...

Posted by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 8:02 PM
  • 17 Replies

We have a 14 year old daughter I am the Stepmom and her mother is making it hard for us to have her on our time planning fun stuff..... we are the bad guys for demanding she comes to our house..... we need help... how do you deal with an ex who plays games????? The daughter would not even come on vacation with us because she can't be away from her mom one day she is her best friend..... its sick and twisted what she is doing we spent $7000.00 taking her to court getting custody of the boy, due to neglect.....(been 3 years since then) we can't afford to do that again any help???????  

by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 8:02 PM
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Grnyann65
by Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 8:53 PM
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Why would the court give you custody of the boy, but not the girl? I'm just curious...that's weird.

Anyway, keep being the bad guys and demanding she come to your house. The ex can go to jail for denying the father visitation. Make the daughter go on vacation with you next time. She'll have fun! And, if the seperation gets too traumatic, let her call her mom. She'll be alright.

Not much you can do with a game player, except...don't let them win.

MrsJoe125
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 8:57 PM
1 mom liked this

 I agree with this.

Also, it seems to me that there are 2 ways to beat a game player:
1: don't play, they automatically lose
2: be better at their game than they are.

(((hugs)))


Quoting Grnyann65:

Why would the court give you custody of the boy, but not the girl? I'm just curious...that's weird.

Anyway, keep being the bad guys and demanding she come to your house. The ex can go to jail for denying the father visitation. Make the daughter go on vacation with you next time. She'll have fun! And, if the seperation gets too traumatic, let her call her mom. She'll be alright.

Not much you can do with a game player, except...don't let them win.


 

stepmom1970
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 9:05 PM

The son has medical issues that she was not addressing, the daughter was fine.  The mom has no interest in being part of her son's life.  We were granted 50/50 custody of her and we have threatened to have her arrested but the daughter is told we were call the police by her mom and she cries and hates us more..... she just comes over and goes to bed and falls asleep until her mother gets her at night. We don't want to hurt her by pushing she is def on her mothers side and the vacation was a cruise were she could not call her mom and she wouldn't go cause she could not call her mom a couple times a day .... her mother calls 10 to 20 times everytime we have her it gets old we don't want to keep battling in court with these kids it hurts them...... 

02nana07
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 2:33 PM

 All I can say is good luck the girl will grow up and things will change as long as she isn't being neglected I would let her stay with mom. 

I say this because of her age and most courts will let the child choose anyway so you would be wasting time and money.  By making her come she is just going to hate you and there might never be a relationship if she is forced.  If she were mad when she had to come then had fun once there that would be one thing but if she just sleeps until time to go home that is different. 

Tinkergirl1997
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 9:33 PM
My daughter feels that her dad gave up on her and his new life doesn't include her and she treats them crappy. I have went to her dad and now her dad takes her out here and there and things don't seem to be so drama.She might need her father for this.
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fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Mar. 10, 2013 at 10:47 PM

 Is there a visitation agreement?  If there is a visitation schedule then obey it to the letter.  If she refuses to give the stepdaughter to your husband at the scheduled time, then take her to court for contempt.  You don't need a lawyer for that.

bri2011
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 10:51 PM
Teenage girls are just rough to figure out in general then top it w family drama....she may just feel more comfortable with her mom. 14 is kinda old to be made to visit, let her come around on her own time, just be there for her. Being 14 is slready hard enough
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momma1013
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 11:15 PM
My SD came to live with us in June 2011. At the end of January, I caught her sexting, planning to sneak out w/ a boy, etc. she came back with "well I want to live w/ my mom." She came to us b/c of a similar incident w/ a much older boy. She said her mom was very verbally abusive. She almost failed 7th grade b/c of excessive absences. We thought things were good until she got in trouble.
We let her go visit her mom the weekend after she got in trouble and they filed for emergency custody against DH and me. SD said I abused her, threatened her, and made A LOT of allegations. We had to hire a lawyer. The judge did not feel it was enough for emergency custody, but I was scared to death b/c I have a 3 and a 1 year old.
We are still waiting for court. I'm telling you this to say be careful. I thought I did everything right and then BAM! Thankfully, we have a good judge. This has been going on since Jan 27th and SD's mom pushed the court date back...I don't know why. It has taken such a toll on me and DH. I'm trying to figure out if its a good idea to stay w/ him if SD has to stay w/ us, which might happen b/c of her behavior at her moms prior to living w/ us. Pick your battles and make sure it's worth it. I'm tied to the situation now to address the allegations. Hopefully CPS won't get involved but I'm terrified if what SD will say about me and if the court will believe her.
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StepMum1389
by on Mar. 11, 2013 at 12:02 AM
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Reading your post is...  deja vu for me and my husband !!  We have been there and it is frustrating and worst of all it is SO DIFFICULT to combat / reverse the game-playing.  There is a clinical name for what your husband's ex is doing and it is  well-documented.  Unfortunately it is not admissable in court (yet) because it is so hard to prove.  Read these websites and I'm sure you will be saying... OMG, his ex does that !!

Divorce-Related Malicious Mother (DRMM) Sydrome

A mother who specifically attempts to deny her child(ren) regular, uninterrupted visitation with the father.  Read about other DRMM characteristics on this website: 

http://www.fathersunite.org/MaliciousMomsStories/malicious_mother_syndrome.html

Alienating Parent Sydrome

http://www.parentalalienation.com.au/node/11

My husband's ex used to plan activities for both my step-children (14 & 17) on OUR time.  It didnt matter what we had already planned for the weekend.  We would  get phone calls an hour before drop-off saying... "we have decided to stay at Grandmas for dinner, so I will drop them off at 8pm.  8pm came and went with another phone saying "We will be there by 10pm". It happened ALL the time!  My husband used to get so angry and told his ex it was inconsiderate.  But she got the kids on-side too because they came to us saying "Why cant we stay at Grandmas? We were having fun!"  Try explaining to kids that your mum has bad manners or that she is doing it on purpose.  They wouldnt understand.  So my husband was always the bad guy.

His ex would take them to the dentist, doctor, clothes shopping or to see their maternal family on our time and even arrange weekends away on our time.  My husband demanded that his ex, under no circumstances, organise anything on his time.  He would take them shopping, go to the doctors etc if they needed it.  Easier said than done.  We could have played her game... and organised exciting activities and weekends away on her weekend but it is too emotionally draining to constantly play that game.

What we did in the end was lodge Consent Orders in the Court (I dont know what you call it in the USA - I am Australian) and in those Consent Orders... spell out specific drop-off and pick-up times.  It doesnt cost much but your husband's ex will need to abide by it.  It worked for us for a short time.  Although when my step-kids turned 13 year old, their mother told them they were legally allowed to choose when and what days they wanted to spend with Dad.  We couldnt afford court costs to challenge that (especially when the success rate for a father is less than 15%), so we have lost 50/50 custody of one daughter to her mum now.

Unfortunately, there is no good news to give you.  Women like that dont change. We stupidly thought the ex would get over it one day (maybe if she got a boyfriend & was preoccupied with something else besides annoying my husband)... 6 years later, its still happening.  The worst part is that it severely affects the kids and their relationship with their Dad.  It just baffles me how a mother could do that on purpose.  As one website said... parental alienation is child abuse!

Im guessing your husband's ex isn't in a relationship... surprise, surprise !!



stepmom1970
by on Mar. 11, 2013 at 7:34 AM

OMG..... you have said it all... this is our life, and no his ex has no relationship beyond the daughter.  No friends cause she really not friendly and no love life cause she says "unlike your father I am choosing to focus  my life on my daughter" and yes she felt he should do the same.  I have 2 wonderful kids from my first marriage and we may have had our disagreements but it was never like this. We have done counseling and were told to pick our battles but not to play the game.  We were supposed to have her this weekend and she said she was sick then posted pictures of her with her mom at a restaurant with 3 of her friends. We did try to explain again to his ex its our weekend. She claims she is 13 the court will allow her to choose her mom's house and my husband needs to be careful or he will lose her completely.  He said then take me to court, I want to spend time with my daughter.  We do try to plan fun things when she comes but sometimes the teenager makes it hard to enjoy.  What 13 year old doesn't want to go to disney and do a cruise??? Ours!  It is abuse and she does neglect the daughter but the daughter likes the facetshe neglects her cause she runs around doing whatever she wants. When do people love their children more than hating their ex??? Its ruining his daughters life and even if we take her to court we would never win because your right they very random side with the dad.  Thank you!!!!!!!!! 

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