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Gay or Bi teen? What is your take on my situation?

Posted by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 2:32 AM
  • 47 Replies

I was going to make this post concerning two separate issues...one concern leads to another.  I'll post the other under a different title to make it less confusing.

So, I'm dealing with my 17 yo dd possibly being gay or bi.  Last yr my dd was texting a girl and certain texts, pictures, etc she would take a pic of and save to her iPhone. We were both unaware that all of our electronics had the picture sharing turned on(well at least her phone did).  So all her stuff went to my iPad.  That's how I found out. I was really upset and confused about this.  More upset that she was hiding this from me. When I said something to her abt it she cld not figure out how I found out.  It took her a while, but eventually she did figure out how I found out. She stopped the pict sharing and put a pass code on her phone. She tried to say at first that she didn't know what I was talking about and that this girl was only her friend because her other friends had bf and they were always with their bf and could not hang out with her. Knew she was lying...I started not trusting her.  So now I'm suspicious of everything she does.

She goes to dance class three days a week and sometimes takes a really long time to get home. So i think shes meeting up with this girl.  She has asked to stay the night with another friend when that friends parents were out of town. I think that was Feb 14? And later found she purchased a package of fake rose petals that came with two small candles...petals were gone. So now I'm thinking she actually stayed with the gf. She told me two Sundays ago that her and her BFF were going to town to eat and see a movie. She said they were going to a certain place to eat and her BFF bf wanted to try that place, but she was eating their first.  Not to say anything to him.  I said to my dd that if I text the BFF mom that she can confirm they did go to town together and dd said yes.  Well I did talk to the mom I found out that the BFF was taking her bf and they were meeting up with my dd and her gf.  They took two separate vehicles..double date.  I'm pissed that she lied and is sneaking around behind my back.

I feel like the gf pulled my dd into all this.  In the past, my dd has been confronted with other gay girls and she responded by asking her friends what do I do.  Friends told her to tell girl your not that way and that's what happened.  I think the gf is gay, but dont think my dd is.  She had an 7 mo getting to know this 18 yo guy his Senior years and was really shy to talk to me abt him. She's had that reaction abt other boys too.  In 2011 she was writing notes to an older boy and they liked each other.  Then when prom cam around 2012, he took another girl. So I'm really confused what may have happened.  I'm thinking he asked her and she said no because she wld have to tell us abt the date and she wanted to avoid all that embarrassing stuff.

I'm not sure how to handle all this.  I think I'd be more upset if she told me she was gay rather then bi. I consider myself to be bi.  I guess the way I see things is that a bi usually likes to be with a man, but doesnt mind being with a woman.  They don't tend to date, hold hands, or act like a couple.  At least this is how I am.  But my dd is doing those things.  

This girl showed up at a dance comp this past weekend and I was livid.  Dd tried to say she was there with friends to see a friends cousin dance.  I don't buy it.   Dd finally said (via txt) that if this girl makes her happy shouldn't that be all that matters?  She also said she liked this girl.  Never answered the Q about being gay or not.  I'm not even sure she fully understands the difference between the two.

Now prom is coming up in about a month and I'd like her to go with a boy, but know that's not going to happen. I know her date will be this girl. Anyhow, a lot of the kids go stag cause they don't have bf/gf and don't get asked. I feel everything is getting screwed up.  I'm thinking I'm surely not allowing this girl to take my dd to prom. But thinking dd (or this girl) wil find away around it.  Dd did not sneak around in the past and now I feel this girl is a bad influence on her.  Since I know she will be going to prom, I've got prom q's but will leave that in a separate post.


thanks to all


by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 2:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
bi-polarmommy
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 2:41 AM
4 moms liked this

 why does it matter if dd is gay or bi?

seems to me she is sneaking around with this girl cause she knows how much you disapprove of her being possibly gay.

if yo would let her go to prom/date with a guy, let her go with this gtirl, with the same rules you would have for a bf

mostly she needs to know that you love her no matter what, and you will acept her whether she is gay, bi, or straight

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CarolineVm.t.b
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 2:45 AM
Is it possible she felt that she had to hide this from you because you would be against her being gay? And if she is let her come to you and tell you herself. Pushing the issue by asking her and all that is just going to make her more uncomfortable. Her being a lesbian should not be a problem with you that is her choice and needs to be fully supported. I am very bisexual and have been since I was 15 (and yes you can decide that and find that out at any age. Otherwise all parents who had their 15 year old daughter come up to them and say oh I like this boy they would say oh honey your to young to know if your straight yet) anyway I don't like labels so don't try to put a label on what your daughter is. What's the point if she's happy? What are you going to finally let it go once you finally have a label on it? No. As long as she is happy that is all you should ever want for your child. Please take my advice.
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GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 4:33 AM
My DD21's friend is bi and she feels safer with girls than guys but says she's happy with whatever the future brings. She loves affection hand holding etc; so there's no point stereotyping
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Msgme
by Silver Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 6:23 AM
6 moms liked this

What difference does it make in the grand scheme of things?  You need to get past your labels and let your daughter be.   You need to support your daughter and let her know she can talk to you and your not going to judge her.  You can't make her straight.  At the end of the day you have two choices= 1. Love and support your daughter for who she is without labels or 2. Don't . You just need to ask yourself does her being bi or gay or straight change who she is as your daughter?

AleaKat
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 6:27 AM
1 mom liked this
Amen!
I'm 25 and my parents Still don't know I'm bi cause they've made it impossible to be myself without scrutiny . Do you really want her to be afraid to be herself?


Quoting Msgme:

What difference does it make in the grand scheme of things?  You need to get past your labels and let your daughter be.   You need to support your daughter and let her know she can talk to you and your not going to judge her.  You can't make her straight.  At the end of the day you have two choices= 1. Love and support your daughter for who she is without labels or 2. Don't . You just need to ask yourself does her being bi or gay or straight change who she is as your daughter?

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fammatthews4
by Trisha on Mar. 13, 2013 at 7:10 AM
3 moms liked this

I don't even know where to start with what I think.  I honestly think with your labels and predudice you are forcing your daughter to sneak around.  Accept your daughter for who she is, if she wants to hang out with this girl let her, let her invite her to the house so you can get to know her, etc.  Put your foot down on the sneaking around that shouldn't be tolerated but in order for her to stop you need to show acceptance of who your daughter is.

fammatthews4
by Trisha on Mar. 13, 2013 at 7:11 AM

Extremely spot on.

Quoting Msgme:

What difference does it make in the grand scheme of things?  You need to get past your labels and let your daughter be.   You need to support your daughter and let her know she can talk to you and your not going to judge her.  You can't make her straight.  At the end of the day you have two choices= 1. Love and support your daughter for who she is without labels or 2. Don't . You just need to ask yourself does her being bi or gay or straight change who she is as your daughter?


PurpleHazey
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 9:31 AM
1 mom liked this

I think a teen is to young to know if they are gay or not!

atlmom2
by Susie on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:02 AM
If you wanna know what she does after dance class, follow her. I told mine they better be where they say. I made surprise visits a lot to see if mine were where they said they were. Now, being gay or not has nothing to do with her not saying where she is. Your dd is who she is.
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chloedee
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 11:00 AM
1 mom liked this

Sounds like your daughter is sneaking around because she knows how much you would disapprove of her being gay. If this girl makes your daughter happy, why would you freak out about her coming to a dance competition or not allow them to go to prom together?

She's 17. Forbidding her to see this girl and disapproving of the way she is will only push her away from you.

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