Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Concerned about SD's new friend

Posted by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:44 PM
  • 17 Replies
My SD will be 13 shortly and has had issues with keeping friends. DH and I have seen first hand how she treats her friends and are not surprised she has this trouble. We have tried talking to her about it but it does no good.

SD has made a friend recently and I am concerned about SD's decision making while around this girl. This girl wears a lot of black including a lot of black eye make up. While I think it is fine for her if her parents are okay with it we do not believe SD should be wearing make up and do not allow it at this time. She also never had any interest in black make up until this girl came along. SD was allowed to go to a church event with this girl over the weekend and when she got home she was wearing the black make up. I told her that I was disappointed that the second time she was around this girl outside of school she is doing things she knows we do not find acceptable. I get that it was make up but I am worried that it is make up now and will be something more serious in the future. To me this isn't necessarily an issue with the friend but more with SD and how she navigates friendships and peer pressure.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:44 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 4:25 PM
1 mom liked this

Ahhh...  the black make-up days.  So many kids just play with this look without it really meaning anything.  Sometimes, what it means is rejection of the beauty paradigm of needing to be blond, beautiful and a sized zero.  It always made me happier when DDs treated make-up as decoration rather than necessary to leave the house in the morning.

My suggestion is let SD experimnet a little.  Talk about why you don't like it stressing that it seems the only reason she is doing it is because her new friend is.  Encourage her to be an individual.

And get to know this new friend.  You may find she just wants to decorate differently.  Do you know her parents?  Ask a teacher how she is as a student.  You might be making assumptions about her that are unfounded.

She is getting older.  She has to be abe to rebel in safe ways.  I have DD16 and DD18.  Every year I have to let go of one more bit of control.  But I still speak my mind if I think what they are doing is inappropriate or disrespectful.  But I never have them remove the make up or change their clothes anymore and you know what?  They make really good decisions.  They havn't always, but I gave them the freedom to fail and to groan when they look back at old pictures and bemoan the fact that they didn't listen to me at the time.

atlmom2
by Susie on Mar. 18, 2013 at 4:37 PM
Give her your rules. Just because a friend wears black eye makeup doesn't mean your SD does.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 4:43 PM
2 moms liked this

Your SD is doing what every other 13 year old out there is doing, and that is finding her way, figuring out who she is, and who she will be. This is completely normal, and really shouldn't come as a shock to you. 

She broke your rules and obviously that should be dealt with, but it may be time to let a little of that control go. It may be time to allow some make-up, at that age some mascara, a little lip gloss, a soft eye shadow, should be allowed. Teach her how to do it. The black make-up wasn't because it's what this new friends wears, it was because that was what was available to her, and the person who showed her how to do it.

This isn't an indication of what lays ahead for your SD, but it is a hint that it may be time for you to accept that your SD is growing up. You can't stop that, and the sooner your accept that reality the better. That doesn't mean she makes the rules, it means there are going to be points in her life where you are going to have to come to a compromise. If you can start now, her teen years will be easier. She won't feel the need to hide things from you, she'll know that she can come to you and together you come up with a balanced solution.

MrsBLB
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:22 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with this.

Quoting luckysevenwow:

Your SD is doing what every other 13 year old out there is doing, and that is finding her way, figuring out who she is, and who she will be. This is completely normal, and really shouldn't come as a shock to you. 

She broke your rules and obviously that should be dealt with, but it may be time to let a little of that control go. It may be time to allow some make-up, at that age some mascara, a little lip gloss, a soft eye shadow, should be allowed. Teach her how to do it. The black make-up wasn't because it's what this new friends wears, it was because that was what was available to her, and the person who showed her how to do it.

This isn't an indication of what lays ahead for your SD, but it is a hint that it may be time for you to accept that your SD is growing up. You can't stop that, and the sooner your accept that reality the better. That doesn't mean she makes the rules, it means there are going to be points in her life where you are going to have to come to a compromise. If you can start now, her teen years will be easier. She won't feel the need to hide things from you, she'll know that she can come to you and together you come up with a balanced solution.


bizzeemom2717
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:27 PM
1 mom liked this

 Black make up alone does not make a girl a troubled teen...invite this girl to your home and get to know her before you pass any judgements.

fammatthews4
by Trisha on Mar. 18, 2013 at 11:12 PM

I agree with this.  I wasn't allowed to wear make up until the age of 16, so I went behind my parents back and wore what was available to me from friends and such. I just wanted to be able to express my self like my friends did.  It was because of this experience that I chose not to fight this fight with my own daughter.  She has been able to wear age appropriate make up from the first time she asked.  Even at 17 she doesn't wear it very often, but she knows she can if she wants to

Quoting luckysevenwow:

Your SD is doing what every other 13 year old out there is doing, and that is finding her way, figuring out who she is, and who she will be. This is completely normal, and really shouldn't come as a shock to you. 

She broke your rules and obviously that should be dealt with, but it may be time to let a little of that control go. It may be time to allow some make-up, at that age some mascara, a little lip gloss, a soft eye shadow, should be allowed. Teach her how to do it. The black make-up wasn't because it's what this new friends wears, it was because that was what was available to her, and the person who showed her how to do it.

This isn't an indication of what lays ahead for your SD, but it is a hint that it may be time for you to accept that your SD is growing up. You can't stop that, and the sooner your accept that reality the better. That doesn't mean she makes the rules, it means there are going to be points in her life where you are going to have to come to a compromise. If you can start now, her teen years will be easier. She won't feel the need to hide things from you, she'll know that she can come to you and together you come up with a balanced solution.


fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Mar. 18, 2013 at 11:45 PM

 I would simply explain to her that if she cannot follow the rules while in this girl's presence then perhaps she shouldn't be in this girl's presence.  It worked for mine.

bellasmom32510
by Member on Mar. 19, 2013 at 7:20 AM
I appreciate all of the comments. My SD has makeup, she just isn't allowed to wear it out of the house yet. I have showed her how to put it on and she will be going to Merl Norman to have a consult so they can tell her what colors would be best around her bday. She will then probably be able to wear it (limited) out. I have no negative opinions of the other girl, my concern is ONLY that SD knows what is permitted and what is not and her decision to do something she knew was not permitted concerns me. Yes at this point it is make up which is minor but with other friends she has had she didn't do this kind of thing. Again thanks for the input it definitely made me think
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
LoveonHollySt
by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 9:58 AM

Sounds to me that you should spend more time talking to the girl and maybe have a double family activity to get to know her and her family a bit better before assumtions are made.  The girl could be good at heart and just lack guidence.  The girl you are describing sounds like a friend I had in HS.  She lost her father at an early age, her mother become a drugie, and she was raised by her grandmother then shipped off to her aunt.  These kinds of things can do horrible things to a young person.  Maybe the make up thing raises flags for you and that is fine.  But maybe you should try to find out WHY it is.  Every action has an equal but opposite reaction.  It just sounds to me that this girl is acting out for some reason and maybe she just needs someone to talk to or help her through whatever is causing her to do this.  

MamaSnaps
by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 7:51 PM

It's not about the makeup, but about knowingly going against your rules behind your back. 

I am not of the mind to allow her to experiment ONLY because she went behind your back and giving it to her would be rewarding her for breaking your rules-not for any other reason. If it weren't for the broken rule I'd say allow a little bit too, but... 

You sound as if you and your daughter have a relationship where letting her know that you are really disappointed in her behavior would have an affect on her? I hope? I'd explain to her that the way to being allowed to experiment with makeup a bit is not by going behind your back, but by discussing it with you and handling it the way she's been taught to. I always use the "if joe jumped off a bridge would you do it too?" with the discussion of how very much of a concern it is that she's willing to just follow a friend even if it is breaking the rules. This may be a little and stupid rule to her, but that makes you worry as to what she is going to do when it comes to a big and important rule. Which leads to the discussion of breaking little rules and making you worry about the big ones REALLY compromises your trust in her and on to express how very important that trust is to you and to her. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN