Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Am I wrong to be offended????

Posted by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 10:00 PM
  • 66 Replies

My 15 year old daughter plays sports and plays 3-4 sports every school year. She works really hard and makes great grades. The problem is she has went out of her way to be friends with a child on her team that has Aspergers syndrome. The child with aspergers calls my daughter names constantly. She came up to her after a softball game today and called her a"loser" and this is not the first time. I have had it!! I want to talk with the girls mother but have not this point. This hurt my daughters feelings and she doesn't understand why the player continues to call her names.I am at my withs end with his other kid. I thought is was great when her mother ( a teacher) asked her to be placed on the team for socialization skills. Then she decided she wanted to be friends with my daughters friend and she did not want her to be friends with anyone but her. I know I shouldn't be pissed but I am. My daughter doesn't fully understand why she is being called these names and i am not sure what to tell her. She shouldn't just have to "take it". Thanks for letting me rant. This has been bugging me for some time.....

 

Any suggestions???         This is what I would like to do!! Very mature for a 48 yr old HA HA     sticking out tongue

by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 10:00 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Mar. 19, 2013 at 10:07 PM
3 moms liked this

 Well, if the girl is placed on the team for "socialization skills" honestly, at 15 shouldn't your DD be able to understand that she is a girl withy special needs that you and she may not be able to fuly understand and to not take it personally? You are pissed? Your DD is 15, stay out of it, and tell your DD to have a little patience, sounds like this girl may have something more going on than just Aspergers? Even if it's true that the girl is just flat out rude, your Dd is 15, she should be able to handle it at this point without your interference, just my opinion, as I have a freshman DD, an athlete, year round club volleyball player, she has had to learn to get along with all types of kids.

MamaSnaps
by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 10:10 PM
1 mom liked this

Talk with the mother about it. Find out if it's something that is a probelm with the other girl. These kids don't have the greatest social skills to begin with and they don't understand many of the nuances of social interaction. She may believe that she's joking and it's all in good fun. By talking with the mom and including your daughter she will understand and be able to help the other girl. It may just be a matter of the girl NEEDS her to camly say that "that is not a nice thing to say and it hurts people's feelings." 
There are just soooooo many things that could be at play here-and that is probably most likely exactly what is going on. Your dughter needs to understand that the other girl doesn't process, understand, cope or feel things the same way that she does and why/how things work for this other child.

Being pissed is the wrong reaction here-AS OF YET. You know the child has a condition that cause some severe social problems and that most likely is what the problem is. Now if you find that it's not the condition and the kid is just being nasty? then you can be pissed. I am willing to bet my knickers that it's not malicious.    

andersongirl562
by Member on Mar. 19, 2013 at 10:35 PM
2 moms liked this
Ummm your DD is 15 and doesn't understand that the other girl has special needs? Does your child have special needs as well? I have a 15 year old DD and she wouldn't blink twice if a special needs child called her a name she would blow it off and walk away or gently remind the other child that name calling was not acceptable behaviour.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Mar. 19, 2013 at 10:38 PM
2 moms liked this

Aspergers don't interact the same way everyone else does. They don't always have the same grasp of social norms and interactions as the typical child would. Getting mad isn't going to do any good, talk with your DD about this other girls reality. There is no reason for her to be getting her feelings hurt, when the behavior of the other girl is not that young girls fault.

Now, you should talk with the mom, not to the mom, or at the mom or in any form of anger. She will most likely have some tips on how to deal with her child.

Lorelai_Nicole
by Lorelai on Mar. 19, 2013 at 10:39 PM
3 moms liked this
I wouldn't be pissed, but I feel for your daughter. Special needs or not, it's never fun to be called names. :-( If it was my DD, I would tell her that next time her "friend" calls her a name, she should stand up for herself and tell the girl she's hurting her feelings.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
HopesNDreams
by Member on Mar. 19, 2013 at 10:43 PM
2 moms liked this
She needs to clearly say that her feelings are hurt when she is called names and that makes it hard for them to be friends. Kids with Aspergers need to be told gently and clearly when a social mistake is made. Most likely, this girl is trying to fit in by doing the same kind of playful teasing the other kids do. She just doesn't know how to do it. Your daughter may be her only friend - this leads to all the phone calls. Again, a gentle explanation that they are still friends if they don't talk all the time - x number of times is fine.
With that said, your daughter should be insulted or have her feelings hurt. Even kids with special needs need to learn to be kind and considerate. Social lessons have to be taught many many times, but they can be learned.
Your daughter is very kind to reach out to this girl. She can remember, though, that her feelings matter too.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
cege
by Bronze Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 12:55 AM

Two years ago when my son was 13 he was constantly called "gay" by a boy with Asperger's that went to his school.  My son and I would talk about it and while he understood that the other boy had social skills issues, my son's own insecurities made the name calling difficult to stomach at times.  I advised him to tell the other kid that it wasn't cool to name call or just to say "whatever" and then to walk away. I also informed the middle school teacher they both had of the situation so that she could let the other kid's parents know what was happening. I feel that it's okay if you or the coach talk to the mom of the girl that's bothering your daughter.  Hopefully, the mom can work with her and help her understand that her behavior is alienating your daughter and possibly her other teammates. If the girl with Asperger's doesn't get feedback about how she's acting she can't change her behavior for the better.   I agree with the pp that stated that kids with Asperger's need to be gently and clearly told when their behavior isn't appropriate because they dont pick up on social cues the way other kids do.  I'm sure the other mom won't mind the feedback as long as it's done constructively and without anger.

atlmom2
by Susie on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:09 AM
4 moms liked this
Asbergers is not an excuse to call someone a loser. Your dd should call her out. I am sick of special needs used for excuses like this.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
suesues
by Silver Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:10 AM

talk to coach or school maybe they can help

angelique4
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 8:21 AM
2 moms liked this

I completely agree with what this mom wrote. It's a tough situation but it is also a great learning experience for your daughter. You can teach her self-confidence and positive conflict resolution. She should calmly and nicely tell the girl it is hurting her feelings. This teaches her to take responsibility for the situations that hurt her and let her know the first step in resolution is taking her own action.

I'm sorry she is going through this. Aspberger's or not, she should not have to endure the "bullying".

OH... and feeling offended by someone hurting your baby... no, despite what others have said... that is not wrong! We are entitled to the way we feel... it's how we react that determines whether we behaved properly or not. All that just means you love your child and that's a good thing!

Quoting cege:

Two years ago when my son was 13 he was constantly called "gay" by a boy with Asperger's that went to his school.  My son and I would talk about it and while he understood that the other boy had social skills issues, my son's own insecurities made the name calling difficult to stomach at times.  I advised him to tell the other kid that it wasn't cool to name call or just to say "whatever" and then to walk away. I also informed the middle school teacher they both had of the situation so that she could let the other kid's parents know what was happening. I feel that it's okay if you or the coach talk to the mom of the girl that's bothering your daughter.  Hopefully, the mom can work with her and help her understand that her behavior is alienating your daughter and possibly her other teammates. If the girl with Asperger's doesn't get feedback about how she's acting she can't change her behavior for the better.   I agree with the pp that stated that kids with Asperger's need to be gently and clearly told when their behavior isn't appropriate because they dont pick up on social cues the way other kids do.  I'm sure the other mom won't mind the feedback as long as it's done constructively and without anger.



Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)