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feeling betrayed by my son needing opinions or advise please!!!!

Posted by on Mar. 21, 2013 at 8:08 PM
  • 16 Replies
hi everyone hope everybody is having a good day!!!!! I found this site looking for some advice on something I'm going through and having a really hard time right with it. I have a long story about myself but I want talk bout how I feel about my son an the sadnesss broken heart I feel inside. my son's name is Joseph so he now the age 19. Joseph is no longer living at home with me he moved out June 27th of last year. I say that he left us but he tells everybody else that I kicked him out which is not true. before he was born I was pregnant with him while I was married to his father then he left me while I was still pregnant . when my ex husband left me for another woman he told me if I loved him I would tell his girlfriend that the baby was not his son so his girlfriend would not leave him. I told him I would never do that he even tried to give me money to abort my baby but i wouldnt because i still loved me ex at that timetime . when my son was born I give him my maiden name. I let my ex husband know that he was born but he never had aknowledge him he kept telling everybody that my son was not his son and even requested a dna.my my ex husband would never help me with anything he's the 1 the kick me out of the house with the 2 children we have together. I struggled the first few years because I didn't have a job .i was only 22 years old and had trouble getting public assistance my parents wouldnt help me because they were so old fashioned that I was supposed to stay with my husband no matter what but I couldn't stay because he kicked me out of his own home. so I had to do whatever i had to just to support my children and i would rummage thru garbage cans looking for cans to recycle I actually had to resort on selling drugs at 1 point just to feed and have a place to stay for my kids, always walking to the groceries, pay bills, and go to the doctors appointments for the kids.in the cold or heat. i was always be on the payphones trying to get a hold of my ex husband to try to get him to help me I wouldnt ask for money I would be telling him please give things foe the kids like diapers food and clothes the things my kids needed .he would tell me no. and thats why he pays child support. which was going to welfare at that time and i would only receive 389.00 a month . imagine living on that I'm out having to pay rent utilities groceries necessities for your baby in your toddler. I couldn't make it I had to do what I had to do just to make it. I was able to find a part time job get help with day care. I work myself up the ladder and became an office manager. I'll be able to rent Better Homes I was able to finally by myself a car so me and my kids wouldn't have to walk anymore and at that time I would still try to get a hold of my ex and I would still try to go to home and his work or to the mother's house to have him see his kids and he said he was always busy working which I never got child support for.
well as the years went on i supported my kids in everything they did and always Having them with me.
while Joseph was getting older he started getting it trouble with the kids he was hanging out with and his schooling was starting to suffer i had to pick him up From the P.D. once for fighing in the fifth grade it was so bad they had left him with sneaker shoe prints on his body .it hurt me so bad see this and knowing Everytime i would let my ex know never said anything or help them . so i started getting calls from his school. regarding his grades and his behavior. i had got referred by them to take my son to see if he had adhd. and it turned out he did . I got him in counceling and joseph had to take aderral. i got in sports soccer, football, wrestling. when entered the high school it looked like he was doing fine but then he was becoming defiant and then one day he didnt come home from school on time then i got a phone call from the cops his sophomore year Joseph got arrested for selling his adderall ...and was going to expelled From school . i then asked him why he did it and coyld even give me an answer. i had to go to court and i fought for him to get another chance is school. he end it up with probation til he turned 18 and they let him go back to school i was always behind him to do well i even got him involved with a few clubs in school too.
there was a club that called his attention with my help it was m.e.s.a (mathematics,engineering,science,academics) he became the president of the club . he was doing soo good in his sports and clubs until his second semester of school when he met this girl right before he had apply for scholarships and college. he was planning on going to uc santa cruz ca. this girl is younger than him and is very bad new she does drugs and drinks . well she has treated him so bad we tried to meet her and on the first time meeting her she wouldnt even speak to us and look like she just didnt like us. weeks before he left he started fighting with me because of that girl she was making him hostle. to the point we took the cell pbone from him because he wouldnt come home or he would be stuck in the room on his cell fighting with her. then one day i found the cell we took from him in his room .and i had seen what were texting each other. and it was all bout me .joseph saying i never feed him or i wouldnt let him eat or i wouldnt let him go any were and his girlfriend telling him leave and how much they both hated me. i always had foodin the house and have owned a house for the last 13 years and been there for him. then one day we got in argument over his cell because ii wouldnt give it back ..he wasnt paying for the cell he wasnt doing any chorse or working and there r rules in this house so he left and i couldlnt stop him cause he was 18. i was so hurt!!!!!
i didnt know were he went for the first 3 weeks . we even went to his friends house and i knew the knew were he was at but didnt want to tell me. then i heard he was living with his girlfriend and her family . and i had taught him better than that. well to cut this story short. he ended up going to his real father after him saying he would never have anything to with him cause he was never there for rememberedm or even remembered his birthday. and it hurts me so much because i did everything for him i never denied my son and my ex denied him . i gave him what he needed spent sleepless night caring for him when would was sick fought for him feed him clothed him put a real roof over his head did what i had to do to give him what he need it . and now wont speek to me . and now his father is trying to take all the credit for the achievments joseoh has done. and done my son isis letting it happen . now i here my ex bought him a car and a motor cycle and giving him all the money he wants plus he is not even going to school. Joseph to talk to my husband that i have now for the last 12 years and told him that his dad told him i never let his dad see him and that the only reason joseph has my last name is cause i didnt know who the father was....me and my husband r so hurt over this...my husband thew the ball with him got up early at 4 am to take him to weight lifting my husband would get out of work early just to make it to his games.... i dont know if i even want to talk to my son anymore. me ans my husband would give joseph our last dollar and it was never good enough. i just cant believe this has happened to us!!!!!! please give me ur opinions, advise,or comment please i really need feed back thank u!
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by on Mar. 21, 2013 at 8:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
HopesNDreams
by Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 8:12 PM
1 mom liked this
Please break this down into paragraphs - it's too difficult to read.
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MamaSnaps
by on Mar. 21, 2013 at 8:18 PM
1 mom liked this

It's the age. He has to grow up and see the reality of everything. Every kid has a chipon their shoulder at that point in life. They think they know it all and their judgement of everyone is always harsh and really kind of warped. You did the right things and eventually he'll realize it. Until then? You can't do much. 
He's played a sympathy card and has the girlfriend believing all of this now, but the proof always comes out in the end. The end may not be tomorrow, but eventually the truth will come out. Until then? Focus on having some special time with you and your husband without a child around. Enjoy each other and things you couldn't do for the years you were raising your son. Be there for your son when he comes or calls or reaches out. Don't push him. Just let him know that when he wants to discuss the situation and the truth you'll be there then let it go. Your ex's true colors will shine through and your son will realize. Just give it time.  

lucylu5
by on Mar. 21, 2013 at 8:19 PM
omg i txted ir all on my phone and i sent it all fast without proofing it so sorry just having a hard time with it all
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lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 8:21 PM
2 moms liked this

Your son is being ungrateful. It sounds like if you dont do it his way or give him what he wants then screw you. Well as much as you are hurting just know you are not enabling him to act the way he is. Hopefully he will grow up and realize how good he had it. Realize that you did  the best you could. That you worked hard to set a good exampple and provide him with a good life. Hugs momma. I am so sorry you are hurting.

drfink
by Emily on Mar. 22, 2013 at 12:58 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting lucky2Beeme:

Your son is being ungrateful. It sounds like if you dont do it his way or give him what he wants then screw you. Well as much as you are hurting just know you are not enabling him to act the way he is. Hopefully he will grow up and realize how good he had it. Realize that you did  the best you could. That you worked hard to set a good exampple and provide him with a good life. Hugs momma. I am so sorry you are hurting.

good advice and hugs to you

bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Mar. 22, 2013 at 2:59 AM
1 mom liked this
Your son is hurting and looking for attention from a dad who treated him terribly while he was growing up. Unfortunately he is hurting you in the process. Sounds like you have been a GREAT mom and done all you can. I hope he grows up and comes to his senses. Bio dad will show his true colors eventually. I wouldn't talk bad about bio dad right now or about the past might make your son even more angry and defensive. Just keep reminding him that you have always loved him and STILL love him and are there for him. Hugs and good luck, hang in there Mama
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fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Mar. 22, 2013 at 8:35 AM

 Sounds alot like my oldest stepson.  He was like that only went to live with grandma after running away several times.  He spent four years destroying his father's name with this family (lives with dad's mom) and giving his mother all the credit for everything his dad or I did.  I didn't talk to him for 4 years.  He came home for christmas this past year and has grown up alot.  It took alot for him to realize what was going on because eventually his father is going to cut him off and then he's going to realize what's going on.

just_hc
by Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 8:43 AM
3 moms liked this

You lose them aroudn 17 and get them back around 23.  Meanwhile you have to let them make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons.  This is what my father told me when I was having trouble with my son.  He's an "adult" now or so he thinks he is.  It's time to let him learn his own life lessons.   He'll come around and realize all the sacrifice you've done for him.  It probably won't be until he has children of his own...but he will.

Hugs!  I know it's tough and heartbreaking! 

MamaSnaps
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 9:06 AM
1 mom liked this

Reading this reply added to my thoughts and I think she hit on a really BIG key idea here. It's not about you and your husband at all. It's about the hurt that his bio-dad inflicted on him that he doesn't know how to deal with. 

When we are at home with our families often the worst in us comes out. We know those people love us no matter how poorly we behave, so our guard gets let down. You are the one who has loved your son unconditionally all along. He can't vent his anger and frustration at his father-it's not safe to do for him. The father DOESN'T love him unconditionally-and it's something he wants and deserved. Until he can work through so many emotions that are so confusing to him he might just be a bit of an ass. As much as it hurts you, try to find the positive in this thought: He can show his ugly self to you because he is secure in your love. 
How's that for finding a positive in a really crappy situation? LOL! I really am serious about the positive spin on it. It sounds twisted, but there is a lot of truth to it too! 

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

Your son is hurting and looking for attention from a dad who treated him terribly while he was growing up. Unfortunately he is hurting you in the process. Sounds like you have been a GREAT mom and done all you can. I hope he grows up and comes to his senses. Bio dad will show his true colors eventually. I wouldn't talk bad about bio dad right now or about the past might make your son even more angry and defensive. Just keep reminding him that you have always loved him and STILL love him and are there for him. Hugs and good luck, hang in there Mama


Barabell
by Barbara on Mar. 22, 2013 at 10:07 AM

I agree with both of these ladies. It's some great advice. I'm sorry you're going through this. HUGS

Quoting MamaSnaps:

Reading this reply added to my thoughts and I think she hit on a really BIG key idea here. It's not about you and your husband at all. It's about the hurt that his bio-dad inflicted on him that he doesn't know how to deal with. 

When we are at home with our families often the worst in us comes out. We know those people love us no matter how poorly we behave, so our guard gets let down. You are the one who has loved your son unconditionally all along. He can't vent his anger and frustration at his father-it's not safe to do for him. The father DOESN'T love him unconditionally-and it's something he wants and deserved. Until he can work through so many emotions that are so confusing to him he might just be a bit of an ass. As much as it hurts you, try to find the positive in this thought: He can show his ugly self to you because he is secure in your love. 
How's that for finding a positive in a really crappy situation? LOL! I really am serious about the positive spin on it. It sounds twisted, but there is a lot of truth to it too! 

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

Your son is hurting and looking for attention from a dad who treated him terribly while he was growing up. Unfortunately he is hurting you in the process. Sounds like you have been a GREAT mom and done all you can. I hope he grows up and comes to his senses. Bio dad will show his true colors eventually. I wouldn't talk bad about bio dad right now or about the past might make your son even more angry and defensive. Just keep reminding him that you have always loved him and STILL love him and are there for him. Hugs and good luck, hang in there Mama



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