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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Need Advice or Encouragement From Moms With Troubled Teens

Posted by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 5:11 PM
  • 13 Replies

Anyone on here have a wayward teen who is falling through the cracks at school, and struggling at home as well?  We are a split family, and I recently had to send my daughter to live with her dad because of some pretty serious behavior issues. (800 miles away)  It is heartreaking, she completely flipped a switch over the last year.  I've been through the gamut of counseling, support groups for her, school counselors, etc.  I feel like I've exhausted all of my attempts to help her and motivate her to care for herself and take initiative in her life.  She used to respond normally to consequences, and positive reinforcement, and was a normal kid with normal issues.  Now, she could care less about anything.  When I try to be positive with her, she takes advantage of me, and lies about almost everything. 

I feel like I'm at a crossroads, and at some point I just have to let her fall flat and figure things out on her own.  However, she's not yet even 15, and I'm cotemplating on sending her to military school.  She has run away from home more than once, and has become impossible to help or direct.  I'm trying not to use the word control, because I do not wish to control her.  However, I fear that if we don't do something drastic right now, it might be too late. 

 

by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 5:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
PurpleHazey
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 8:20 PM

You are not a lone, it is very hard to raise a teen in todays world. Times have changed and it is very hard on the teens today, I would never want to be a teen today.

luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 8:32 PM
3 moms liked this

My oldest girl was hell on feet, and I am being nice. There were many days where I just wanted to give up. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. She ran, and ran, and she never knew what she was running from. She fought me at every corner. I was stupid, dumb, unfair and a few other choice words.

However, she was my DD and it was a cold day in hell before I'd give up on her. If I wasn't going to fight with and for her, who was? Today she is a wonderful 20 year old woman, who after all of her running probably would have lived at home for the rest of her life...her dog and my dog fight, only reason she left home. 

I couldn't see it then, but I am glad I never gave up.

02nana07
by Ida on Mar. 28, 2013 at 10:16 PM
1 mom liked this

 Just never give up you should always have her back

MamaSnaps
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 10:25 PM
1 mom liked this

We have a child much like yours!!! He is so different than any of the other children we have raised and when you look at him next to us and the other kids and fosters? You'd never believe he was raised in the same household as the rest. Totally changed once he flipped the switch like yours. Legal issues, drugs, lazy and acted like he had the intelligence of a gnat. 

BUT!!! THere is hope. Mine is now 21. He left home at 16 to basically be a delinquent (among other things) for a few years. As of this past couple of weeks he's finally realized that he can't go on like this and this is NOT how he was raised nor is it how he wants to live his life. So, while your heart is breaking right now? there really is hope. Even if her father can't completely turn her around and you have to do the military school thing; you've laid the groundwork and the foundation for her to be a good person and you will continue to do so. There are going to be THOSE YEARS-the ones from abou 16 to maybe 25 when you don't know anything and are the anti-Christ and devil encarnate to her, but the lessons are there somewhere in her brain. Just keep loving her and trying to guide her in the right directions. It's hell when it's happening, but it will pay off down the road. 

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Mar. 28, 2013 at 11:16 PM

 You're not alone.  Both the boys that went through the same deal.  It eventually gets better, especially if you have help with you to be consistant or it will take alot of time and you might not like the process (I sure didn't) but it is better now.

Maggielaggin
by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 12:10 AM

Thank you.  You are all so sweet.  I definitely needed some positive encouragement today.  It's difficult right now, because I have two boys under the age of 2 - and most of my mom friends don't have teenagers yet, and I'm almost afraid to share anything with them, because they just haven't gone through it yet, so it's their first instinct to kind of tell me that I need to do more of this or more of that, when really...we're at the point where we kind of just have to let some of the chips fall and let her find her wings.  As difficult as that is. 

TranquilMind
by Bronze Member on Mar. 29, 2013 at 1:42 AM

 

I thought "those years" were between 13-16!

But you all are reminding me of the truth of "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it".  That's encouraging to read good stories. 

Quoting MamaSnaps:

We have a child much like yours!!! He is so different than any of the other children we have raised and when you look at him next to us and the other kids and fosters? You'd never believe he was raised in the same household as the rest. Totally changed once he flipped the switch like yours. Legal issues, drugs, lazy and acted like he had the intelligence of a gnat. 

BUT!!! THere is hope. Mine is now 21. He left home at 16 to basically be a delinquent (among other things) for a few years. As of this past couple of weeks he's finally realized that he can't go on like this and this is NOT how he was raised nor is it how he wants to live his life. So, while your heart is breaking right now? there really is hope. Even if her father can't completely turn her around and you have to do the military school thing; you've laid the groundwork and the foundation for her to be a good person and you will continue to do so. There are going to be THOSE YEARS-the ones from abou 16 to maybe 25 when you don't know anything and are the anti-Christ and devil encarnate to her, but the lessons are there somewhere in her brain. Just keep loving her and trying to guide her in the right directions. It's hell when it's happening, but it will pay off down the road. 


 

Maggielaggin
by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 1:10 PM
1 mom liked this

 

This quote gives me peace of mind today.  Thank you.

Quoting TranquilMind:

 

I thought "those years" were between 13-16!

But you all are reminding me of the truth of "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it".  That's encouraging to read good stories. 

Quoting MamaSnaps:

We have a child much like yours!!! He is so different than any of the other children we have raised and when you look at him next to us and the other kids and fosters? You'd never believe he was raised in the same household as the rest. Totally changed once he flipped the switch like yours. Legal issues, drugs, lazy and acted like he had the intelligence of a gnat. 

BUT!!! THere is hope. Mine is now 21. He left home at 16 to basically be a delinquent (among other things) for a few years. As of this past couple of weeks he's finally realized that he can't go on like this and this is NOT how he was raised nor is it how he wants to live his life. So, while your heart is breaking right now? there really is hope. Even if her father can't completely turn her around and you have to do the military school thing; you've laid the groundwork and the foundation for her to be a good person and you will continue to do so. There are going to be THOSE YEARS-the ones from abou 16 to maybe 25 when you don't know anything and are the anti-Christ and devil encarnate to her, but the lessons are there somewhere in her brain. Just keep loving her and trying to guide her in the right directions. It's hell when it's happening, but it will pay off down the road. 

 

 


 

momsnotafraid
by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 6:09 PM

Don't be afraid to set down hard firm rules.  Kids need clearly defined boundaries and expectations so never be afraid to supply this.  It's usually when we take our eye off the ball that they seem to sense weakness and go off course.  It's a tough thing to handle a kid who's no longer motivated and appears not to care.  Are you really prepared for the consequences of letting her fall flat?  Those could be extreme.  Military school is an option of course.  There are other places as well.  Not sure where you live and if she is willing to go someplace willingly, but check out Cal Farley's in Texas.  They have a good program and I believe it is free.  They won't take the kids unless they are willing to go however and this is what tripped us up when my step son went off the deep end.  He, like your daughter, is not motivated by anything and appears not to care about anything.  However, we had to dig deep and found he did care about something.  I guess if your child is unwilling to get help you have to find that "thing" that they care about...and use that to motivate. 

I recommend a book called "how to stop negotiating with your teen"  I got it at Barnes and Noble and it changed the way we handle not only him, but all our kids...it will help you!

Good Luck!

Maggielaggin
by on Mar. 29, 2013 at 6:24 PM

Thank you for the book recommend. 

I don't feel that I'm letting her fall flat.  I just feel that at this time in her life, natural consequences are going to have to come into play more than I would like them to. We will keep her under house rules as best we can until she is old enough to flee the nest.  I say this because she refuses to listen to her parents, and does not show us any respect.  She was always a happy kid, with a great disposition, and very respectful.

I'll never give up on her, but I am not going to let her control my life and my happiness either.  I have 3 other children who need me.  :-)

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