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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Trying to be a good mom, but failing.

Posted by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 9:43 AM
  • 14 Replies
2 moms liked this

3 years ago we adopted a teenager. He is 17. We have all these issues that come up and that I feel like we handle okay, but then more come up.

He was doing horrible in school, so we homeschooled him (at his begging). Now, he's in college classes but won't go! He skips all the time and we paid good money for those classes.

He was smoking pot. He suffers from anxiety and depression, so we understood why he was doing it (even though he has a counselor and medication for the issues). So we didn't give him crap about it and even started looking into a medical marijuana card for him.

The other day I was looking through his twitter messages and came across one where he is asking another friend where the "narcs" are. He says he didn't send the message, a friend sent the message under his name.

He lies all of the time, about everything! I could ask him if he ate a sandwich, and he would tell me no, even if I knew he ate a damn sandwich! And it's not like I would care if he did!

He goes to parties even though I told him I don't want him to. He and his friends smoke in my car. I'm losing it. WTH do I do???

by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 9:43 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Barabell
by Barbara on Apr. 2, 2013 at 10:07 AM

My son isn't that old, and he isn't adopted. But here are my suggestions.

First, you and your husband need to decide on some house rules and what the punishments are if he breaks them. Type all of that information up.

Then, have a full family meeting. Give everyone a copy of the rules and consequences. Then follow through on any rules all the consequences outlined if the rules are broken. You could also include things in the rules that are positive reinforcements. It doesn't have to be all negative rules.

Does he have a job? If not, maybe that would help. Also give him an ultimatium that he needs to pay for any classes that he fails.

krisnic84
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 10:20 AM

He does have a job, but all of that money goes for him paying for his pot. He already has to pay for any classes that he fails - but he just won't pay. How do we just get money from him? It's not like we are going to steal it out of his wallet. 

KW1280
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 10:26 AM
Why do you say youvare a bad mom? He knows you take his actions as some kind of measuring stick for your parenting abilities. These are choices he is making making for himself. To me, he is trying to find his identity and work through his feelings of being, as he percieves it, unwanted. I would suggest counseling, a scated straight program or a mentoring program
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krisnic84
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 10:29 AM

I say I'm a bad mom because I have tried so hard and failed. I have had three years with this child and haven't seemed to do a whole lot of positive.

And all of those programs are good if I can actually get him to go. What am I going to do with a 17 year old? Spank him? Drag him to the car? He's taller than me! lol. 

krisnic84
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 10:52 AM

No, it was a direct placement adoption. I will post this there as well. 

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:10 AM
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Lay down the Law.   Clearly explain your rules & expectations and the consequences for breaking them.....then follow through. 

If he does not respect your No Smoking policy, Do not allow him to drive your car.... especially since you know he smokes weed.

When he lies....take away priveledges!  Take his cell phone, computer, video games, and freedom to go out.

If he refuses to attend his classes, make him pay for them and take away his priveledges.    

If he refuses to pay for them (as I read) then get tough...  Collect everything from his room except his mattress and a couple changes of clothes.     When he pays you back for the money he wasted, he can have his stuff back.  Consider it collateral.   






Barabell
by Barbara on Apr. 2, 2013 at 11:38 AM
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Quoting krisnic84:

He does have a job, but all of that money goes for him paying for his pot. He already has to pay for any classes that he fails - but he just won't pay. How do we just get money from him? It's not like we are going to steal it out of his wallet. 

Take away his privileges if he's that disrespectful and irresponsible.

KW1280
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 12:41 PM
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A bad mom wouldnt care so first you need to change your mindset in order to help him. He needs to take responsibility of his actions. Yes you can get him to those programs. You dont need to put hands on him but if he keeps on this path juvie will put hands on him. You can get a court order and he has to go.


Quoting krisnic84:

I say I'm a bad mom because I have tried so hard and failed. I have had three years with this child and haven't seemed to do a whole lot of positive.

And all of those programs are good if I can actually get him to go. What am I going to do with a 17 year old? Spank him? Drag him to the car? He's taller than me! lol. 


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gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 1:33 PM

The only bad mom is the one who BEATS the baby. I reserve the right to beat teenagers about the head and shoulders with common sense. 

From what you write, you weren't in his life till he was 14? It probably could be a whole lot worse than it is. You have not failed. His original parents did.

Since he's 17, you can't evict him. But when he's 18 you can require that he pay fopr his classes... as in you DO NOT pay for them. And you can require him to pay rent.

Quoting krisnic84:

I say I'm a bad mom because I have tried so hard and failed. I have had three years with this child and haven't seemed to do a whole lot of positive.

And all of those programs are good if I can actually get him to go. What am I going to do with a 17 year old? Spank him? Drag him to the car? He's taller than me! lol. 


gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 1:35 PM
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One more thought. Since he's under 18, consult with your bank about whether you can set up a direct deposit of his wages in an account which he cannot access but can be used to pay his school bills.

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