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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

 I am so mad I could spit bullets right now.  The birthday girl who has been getting everything her little heart desired and everyone has been pampering BUTCHERED HER HAIR!  Cut about 4 inches off the SIDE of her face.  Just chunked it and then threw some of it in the trash can in the bathroom and some in her room.  I asked her about it and she said she hadn't even known about the hair and had no idea her hair was cut!  Hubby accused older brother of sneaking into her room and doing it while she was sleeping, she's a heavy sleeper and he's been in that type of mood lately.  She sat there and LET HIM take the blame for this while she LIED TO MY FACE.

What do I do?  I am so pissed off, her birthday party is tomorrow.  She's not 4 she's 13.  She did something she KNEW was wrong, and let her brother take the blame for it while she LIED about it!  I want to call everyone up and cancel that party for tomorrow.  Is that too harsh?  I just don't think I should be spending 200 bucks for her friends to go to lunch and then more for pizza, bowling and breakfast in the morning when she is going to LIE to me about this.

by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 7:48 PM
Replies (11-20):
arkmomma06
by Member on Apr. 4, 2013 at 10:46 PM

Oh no!


fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Apr. 4, 2013 at 10:55 PM

 I already fixed her hair.  It looks terrible on her.  She's got that face that short hair makes look fat.  She's actually not defiant really.  She's a great kid.  Very caring, considerate.

Quoting atlmom2:

Leave her hair alone. Does she have a cell or computer? Take those away. 13 year olds know better. Is she defiant a lot???

 

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Apr. 4, 2013 at 10:56 PM
Except that her sister's birthday party is next weekend, the weekend after that is her sisters actual birthday and then it's her brother's birthday stuff. Yes it is a lot. 4th, 17th, and then the 2nd. It's a PAIN!
Quoting MamaSnaps:

Maybe if she behaves and takes care of what she owes to her brother you could re-schedule for next week or the week after as a reward for making the right decisions. 

Quoting fantasticfour:

Quoting MamaSnaps:

Why is cutting her hair wrong? Letting her brother take the blame and lying, those are wrong. 

Is this really a battle worth picking? If cutting her hair at 13 is going to send you over the edge then there's probably a reason she lied to you about it and when you get to the really shitty part of teens? That's gonna SUCK for you REALLY bad. She's going to lie to cover up everything out of fear that you're going to go ballistic.

So she cut her hair. She's not out partying with the party crowd, she's not doing drugs, she's not being mean and bullying other people, she hasn't run away, stolen something, been arrested... Is it really a big deal? So she looks like a fool with jacked up hair. There's quite a bit of consequence in that alone!

She owes her brother big time for letting him take the blame. You might want to really look at WHY she lied. She definitely needs a consequence for lying regardless of why. However, you may want to look at WHY she lied. She evidently wanted her hair cut and knew you'd flip. She's afraid of your reaction. NOT somewhere I'd want to be with a 13 year old kid. Respect you? yes. Fear? enver. 

She told me why she lied. Because she got caught on her birthday and didn't want to have to deal with it on her birthday. She just got her hair cut a couple of weeks ago and I OFFERED to have her hair cut for her birthday (today) and she turned me down last week (before she did this) so I took her to the shooting range instead as a surprise. As far as it being the problem that she cut her hair, it's not. She was told to tell me if she cut her hair, and that if she did she can go to bed and if she lied to me and I was going to check, then she would lose her party. She lied. She then was told that hubby believed that the brother might have done it and disciplined him for it. She didn't say anything then either. THAT'S what's got me pissed so much. She is a very loving person. Someone who wants no one hurt ever. Now she's letting her brother get into trouble because hubby things that he went to her room and cut her hair while she slept! I guess the biggest thing I am upset over is that she is the baby. She is also the first one NOT grounded on her 13th birthday. The last one was supposed to go to NY on her 13th and she ended up getting grounded too. I had MADE all the party favors for her friends, gift bags, everything that went in them was customized and made by hand. Soaps, bath salts, fizzies, etc. Then I was looking forward to lavishing her with everything she wanted for tomorrow. Big birthday lunch, dinner, bowling, etc. I wanted it to be memorable. I guess it's memorable now. Just not how I wanted it.


fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Apr. 4, 2013 at 10:57 PM
I've already talked to the parents of all but 1 of them. I'm going to call them back in the morning to make sure they know the party has been called off. They are all wanting her to get her gifts on Monday when they go to school.
Quoting tyfry7496:

Keep the party but any gifts she's receives gets taken away. She also has to make it up to her brother. I'd even make her write out the dictionary pages for respect, lying, responsibility, disappointment.

TranquilMind
by Bronze Member on Apr. 4, 2013 at 11:49 PM

 Yeah, no kidding.

I wish the worst problem I had ever faced was her making her hair look stupid (and yes, that did happen, though by color, not necessarily cut, though there were bad cuts). 

I don't know that I agree with Mamasnaps that she lied because she fears you. Sometimes they don't even know WHY they lie.  It's just part of the "You can't control me.  At least I can do THIS!" mentality they have while they are trying to pull away. 

It happens.  She should have some consequence for lying and then just have to live with her stupid hair. 


Quoting MamaSnaps:

Why is cutting her hair wrong? Letting her brother take the blame and lying, those are wrong. 

Is this really a battle worth picking? If cutting her hair at 13 is going to send you over the edge then there's probably a reason she lied to you about it and when you get to the really shitty part of teens? That's gonna SUCK for you REALLY bad. She's going to lie to cover up everything out of fear that you're going to go ballistic.

So she cut her hair. She's not out partying with the party crowd, she's not doing drugs, she's not being mean and bullying other people, she hasn't run away, stolen something, been arrested... Is it really a big deal? So she looks like a fool with jacked up hair. There's quite a bit of consequence in that alone!

She owes her brother big time for letting him take the blame. You might want to really look at WHY she lied. She definitely needs a consequence for lying regardless of why. However, you may want to look at WHY she lied. She evidently wanted her hair cut and knew you'd flip. She's afraid of your reaction. NOT somewhere I'd want to be with a 13 year old kid. Respect you? yes. Fear? enver. 


 

lakerfan420
by Jamie on Apr. 5, 2013 at 12:13 AM
1 mom liked this
But if she already told her that she'd lose the party for lying, she has to follow through. I had to once with one of mine and all of my kids were like whoa mom really did that. It taught them all a valuable lesson and years later they all still remember and if I threaten a party (or sleepover, something else special), they know I'll do it. I swear it hurt me more than her. I was crushed having to do it.


Quoting TranquilMind:

 Yeah, no kidding.


I wish the worst problem I had ever faced was her making her hair look stupid (and yes, that did happen, though by color, not necessarily cut, though there were bad cuts). 


I don't know that I agree with Mamasnaps that she lied because she fears you. Sometimes they don't even know WHY they lie.  It's just part of the "You can't control me.  At least I can do THIS!" mentality they have while they are trying to pull away. 


It happens.  She should have some consequence for lying and then just have to live with her stupid hair. 




Quoting MamaSnaps:


Why is cutting her hair wrong? Letting her brother take the blame and lying, those are wrong. 


Is this really a battle worth picking? If cutting her hair at 13 is going to send you over the edge then there's probably a reason she lied to you about it and when you get to the really shitty part of teens? That's gonna SUCK for you REALLY bad. She's going to lie to cover up everything out of fear that you're going to go ballistic.


So she cut her hair. She's not out partying with the party crowd, she's not doing drugs, she's not being mean and bullying other people, she hasn't run away, stolen something, been arrested... Is it really a big deal? So she looks like a fool with jacked up hair. There's quite a bit of consequence in that alone!


She owes her brother big time for letting him take the blame. You might want to really look at WHY she lied. She definitely needs a consequence for lying regardless of why. However, you may want to look at WHY she lied. She evidently wanted her hair cut and knew you'd flip. She's afraid of your reaction. NOT somewhere I'd want to be with a 13 year old kid. Respect you? yes. Fear? enver. 




 


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luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 12:15 AM
1 mom liked this

Her consequence is walking around looking like a goofball.

As to the party I know you said you cancelled it, but I would have let it go on. she needs to make it up to her brother, not to you and not her friends, but her brother the person she hurt with her lies.

If it was me, she'd have to do 1 nice thing for her brother everyday, for the next month. Plus a written apology.

gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 12:26 AM

SInce you told her the consequence of lying would be the loss of the party, cancelling it was the right thing to do. You cannot go back on that.

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 2:17 AM

I don't think I've ever cancelled a birthday event. The crulest thing I ever did to my DD was grounding her and forcing her to miss her first group hang out. (she was 17 and this was the first time EVER she'd been invited to do something outside of school) and apparently even that was too harsh. I can't even remember what she did to deserve that.

Ewa101
by Bronze Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 7:37 AM
1 mom liked this

Aren't you a bit too controlling?  If her cutting her hair sends you over the edge, think about other things she could be doing: drugs, sex...  How would you react then?  No wonder she lied - she wanted to rebel against your control, and then she chickened out.  That would be my issue - I hate liars.  But then I never had control issues and my kids grew to be independent adults.  If my daughter (now 26) came home with chopped up hair at 13, I would just shrug and say: "Are you happy?  It's your hair after all.  And it grows."  What's the use of rebelling if you don't get the expected results?

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