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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

 I am so mad I could spit bullets right now.  The birthday girl who has been getting everything her little heart desired and everyone has been pampering BUTCHERED HER HAIR!  Cut about 4 inches off the SIDE of her face.  Just chunked it and then threw some of it in the trash can in the bathroom and some in her room.  I asked her about it and she said she hadn't even known about the hair and had no idea her hair was cut!  Hubby accused older brother of sneaking into her room and doing it while she was sleeping, she's a heavy sleeper and he's been in that type of mood lately.  She sat there and LET HIM take the blame for this while she LIED TO MY FACE.

What do I do?  I am so pissed off, her birthday party is tomorrow.  She's not 4 she's 13.  She did something she KNEW was wrong, and let her brother take the blame for it while she LIED about it!  I want to call everyone up and cancel that party for tomorrow.  Is that too harsh?  I just don't think I should be spending 200 bucks for her friends to go to lunch and then more for pizza, bowling and breakfast in the morning when she is going to LIE to me about this.

by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 7:48 PM
Replies (21-30):
fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Apr. 5, 2013 at 8:32 AM

 Apparently you didn't read any of my responses to anyone.  It wasn't that she cut her hair is that she LIED about it and let her brother take the fall.  That's the problem. 

Quoting Ewa101:

Aren't you a bit too controlling?  If her cutting her hair sends you over the edge, think about other things she could be doing: drugs, sex...  How would you react then?  No wonder she lied - she wanted to rebel against your control, and then she chickened out.  That would be my issue - I hate liars.  But then I never had control issues and my kids grew to be independent adults.  If my daughter (now 26) came home with chopped up hair at 13, I would just shrug and say: "Are you happy?  It's your hair after all.  And it grows."  What's the use of rebelling if you don't get the expected results?

 

HopesNDreams
by Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 8:38 AM
I think you are far more upset about the lying and sneaking around than her hair. If you toss in teen attitude while confronting her, it's more than enough to rattle anyone's cage.

I'd take her to a salon, let her pay to get it fixed into some sort of presentable style. As to the party, I'm guessing there's more here that makes you want to cancel it. My factors would be 1) is this an isolated incident or one of many recently and 2). Is it more trouble than it is worth to cancel it.
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nuts4scouts
by Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 12:15 PM

Has she apologized to her brother?

Has the father apologized to his son?

Both of those things need to happen ASAP so that your SON can heal from their lies, and lack of trust.

As for the party, and gifts - you told her you would cancel the party if she lied. She lied. That the party is canceled is a non-issue. It was HER decision. She has to live with the consequences of that decision. As for gifts, that is a more grey issue. I would discuss this with her father. Personally, I would be inclined to have her donate the birthday gifts to a homeless shelter. Maybe, allowing her to keep one. Maybe. The gifts are a part of the party, and HER DECISION was that lying was more important than the party.


woodswalker
by Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 2:02 PM

teenage years are all about taking risks.  So she took risks with a stupid haircut.  She's not on drugs, skipping school, having sex....I would have totally let the hair thing go. 

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Apr. 5, 2013 at 2:18 PM

 Yes and yes.  She apologized to her brother this morning and his father did last night. 

As far as my son healing from their lies, I'm waiting for apologies for all his lies that have hurt and taken this child and driven her to the point that she wanted him punished.  He even told me today that he was HAPPY when he heard she lost her party.  Not because she lied on him, but because he's tired of being the only one in trouble and it made him feel good that she was in trouble too!  If that makes any sense.  Sorry but I have no pity for the boy who lists of infractions range from lieing about stupid crap to theft to assault. 

I did cancel the party and the friend's parents were very understanding.  I cut her hair as even as I could last night and then took her today to get it evened out.

I'm on the fence with the gifts.  I told each parent to feel free to return the gifts to the store and NONE of them want to, they want her to have them.  I don't feel right having her donate the gifts other people gave her to a shelter, but I think somethinshould be done about it.

That's for not making this an issue about her cutting her hair.  That wasn't the issue and I'm glad someone understood that.

Quoting nuts4scouts:

Has she apologized to her brother?

Has the father apologized to his son?

Both of those things need to happen ASAP so that your SON can heal from their lies, and lack of trust.

As for the party, and gifts - you told her you would cancel the party if she lied. She lied. That the party is canceled is a non-issue. It was HER decision. She has to live with the consequences of that decision. As for gifts, that is a more grey issue. I would discuss this with her father. Personally, I would be inclined to have her donate the birthday gifts to a homeless shelter. Maybe, allowing her to keep one. Maybe. The gifts are a part of the party, and HER DECISION was that lying was more important than the party.


 

alisheamonet33
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 3:56 PM

For her lying i would cancel the party  as far as her cuting her hair i wouldnt worry abt it she did it i wouldnt fix it

bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Apr. 5, 2013 at 4:46 PM

 

Quoting luckysevenwow:

Her consequence is walking around looking like a goofball.

As to the party I know you said you cancelled it, but I would have let it go on. she needs to make it up to her brother, not to you and not her friends, but her brother the person she hurt with her lies.

If it was me, she'd have to do 1 nice thing for her brother everyday, for the next month. Plus a written apology.

 I agree with this and this is the route I would have taken, I still think she owes her brother a big apology.

bcauseimthemom
by Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 4:49 PM

Cancel the party and take away all of her privileges. Take away her access to social media, no extras... home and school. I would even go as far as to remove her bedroom door and have her spend her extra time volunteering.

luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 4:59 PM
Gifts that are given to her, by people other then yourselves are her gifts. Do what you wish with whatever you may have got her, I would be very pissed if something I got someone was given away, now if you told me up front it would be donated that would be different.

Quoting fantasticfour: Yes and yes.  She apologized to her brother this morning and his father did last night. 
As far as my son healing from their lies, I'm waiting for apologies for all his lies that have hurt and taken this child and driven her to the point that she wanted him punished.  He even told me today that he was HAPPY when he heard she lost her party.  Not because she lied on him, but because he's tired of being the only one in trouble and it made him feel good that she was in trouble too!  If that makes any sense.  Sorry but I have no pity for the boy who lists of infractions range from lieing about stupid crap to theft to assault. 
I did cancel the party and the friend's parents were very understanding.  I cut her hair as even as I could last night and then took her today to get it evened out.
I'm on the fence with the gifts.  I told each parent to feel free to return the gifts to the store and NONE of them want to, they want her to have them.  I don't feel right having her donate the gifts other people gave her to a shelter, but I think somethinshould be done about it.
That's for not making this an issue about her cutting her hair.  That wasn't the issue and I'm glad someone understood that.
Quoting nuts4scouts:
Has she apologized to her brother?
Has the father apologized to his son?
Both of those things need to happen ASAP so that your SON can heal from their lies, and lack of trust.
As for the party, and gifts - you told her you would cancel the party if she lied. She lied. That the party is canceled is a non-issue. It was HER decision. She has to live with the consequences of that decision. As for gifts, that is a more grey issue. I would discuss this with her father. Personally, I would be inclined to have her donate the birthday gifts to a homeless shelter. Maybe, allowing her to keep one. Maybe. The gifts are a part of the party, and HER DECISION was that lying was more important than the party.

 
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rowemom3
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:03 PM
Sounds like she is trying to show her roots n b independant n see hiw far push u
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