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"Sexting"?? Help

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 2:29 AM
  • 13 Replies
Hi Everyone, I'm new to this group. Now that my kids are teens ages 16/14/9, I'm finding myself in unfamiliar territory. So I need some advice pls. Here's the story n I hope I dnt bore u.

My 14 yr old daughter who a couple of months ago started playing this vampire game online and met some guys and started chatting with them outside of the game. I was ok with it at first cuz it's just a game right! Well then my older son told me she was chatting with some guy from TX, that they were txting said to be 15.. I didn't really think anything bad about it and told her to be careful and not to be sharing any personal info. She said she was being safe about it. It turned out he has a gf and she stopped chatting with him. Then about a month ago she gave her cell number to another guy, I started noticing her act a bit different and being very suspicious. Every night I'd go into her room to check on her and say good night and to tell her no txting/FB. She would be covered completely with her blanket and act nervous. This made me think and was wondering if she was doing what I thought she was doing.... She would hinde her cell from me and not let me see it and if I'd ask for it she would say wait and then give it to me, but by then she had already erased what ever was on there. Then last week when we were at the amusement park, I noticed she kept on txting and had this smirk on her face. I asked her who she was txting and she mention one of her friends, not guy. But I've been having this weird feeling that something was going on, more than I could imagine. When we got home she went strait to the bathroom so I went to her room and saw her cell phone on her bed. At the time I took it a txt was coming in and saw what was going on. I read the txts that were on there and the one that had just came in and noticed she was sexting this guy. At first I got mixed emotions and was shocked, didn't know what to think or do about the whole situation. I said Oh God, what should I do?!

I felt bad and put the phone back on her bed because I felt like I was violating her privacy and went into the living room and continued to think about it. Then I went back in the room and read the txts again and got mad, but still unsure of what to do. So I put the phone back again. I did that like 3-4 times, till something told me to just take it and keep it. Then when she came out of the bathroom she went strait to her room and came out frantic asking if I knew where her phone was. I took a deep breath and asked her to sit down.

I then started talking to her and asking her who this guy was. She didn't say anything the whole 1hr I spent talking to her. She just sat there looking into my eyes. I told her I felt disappointed of her actions and that I couldn't believe what she was doing. I continue asking why? why? How could you do such a thing? The thing is that it's not just sexting, she has also sent pics and videos of herself to this stranger. I told her the seriousness of exposing herself like that and the risk involved in the whole thing. That she doesn't know if this guy won't put this pics/video on the net. That she really doesn't know this guy, just cuz he says he's her same age with the same interest. I told her lots of things and that she doesn't need anyone to tell her that she's beautiful and that's when I hit the sore spot. She's at that stage where she feels ugly. She started crying, but still wouldn't say anything. I then told her that her life is so much easier than when I was her age. That she has everything and doesn't need to worry about anything other than going to school and getting good grades.

I felt like I was getting nowhere and that I was torturing her. I told her I love her very much and that all I want is for her to be safe and to protect her. I took everything away from her (itouch, cell, lap top) and also told her she's not allowed to chat/txt to that guy anymore, hugged her tight and then told her to think about what she's done and the risks involved. She then went to her room and continued to cry.

I went to check on her about 1hr after the talk and she was crying still and then she handed me a letter telling me how she really feels. She thinks this guy's "The One" that she really likes him and that he really likes her and that maybe there's a future for them. She states that something that happened to one of her friends took her innocence away and that she likes to talk and to be spoken dirty. Oh dear Lord! She takes her friends experiences as something personal for her and I think she's taking that feeling/thoughts to far. I tell her that other people's experiences are not her problems and that she shouldn't take it like that or to try to solve it for them. She feels that people are living her life every 5 yrs and she says that now I'm taking him away from her too. I asked her dad to talk to her as a father but I don't think he made his point.

This whole week she hasn't really been talking to me and has been going with her dad to church. The only reason thou is because she has access to his phone and computer. I ask her dad if he's let her use the phone and he says sometime. I know that she's going to find ways to communicate with that guy anyway possible and that we have no control over it. But I feel like my husband's not really helping me either by giving her the phone to keep the txting up.

The reason this whole thing troubles me is because of the sexting/pics/videos. If this was just a "friendship" relationship, someone that wanted to get to know my daughter without asking her for pics of any kind, I'd probably be ok , with my supervicion. That way she wouldn't have to sneek around to talk to him. I hate all the sneeking/secrets going on and I don't know how to make her understand or how to get a handle on this situation.

Sorry for writing so much. But any advice is greatly appreciated.
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by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 2:29 AM
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Replies (1-10):
GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 3:00 AM
2 moms liked this

I would take the phone and take it to the police. You don't know if he's truly 15 years old. He could be a registered sex offender for all you know! Does Dad live with you? If he does, tell him that you both need to be on the same page, If Dad doesn't live with you - don't allow her to see him unsupervised. If you see her with his phone, take it off her. It's as simple as that. Explain to Dad that if this kid is truly 15, if he sends anything via dad's phone - who's going to get in trouble? Dad. If your Daughter sends anything via Dad's phone - Dad's the one charged with with Child porn. To be honest, I would have taken the phone as soon as I heard that she was giving her number to online friends; if not then - when she deleted all the messages when she handed it over the first time.I would have taken the phone at the amusement park and told her she needs to spend time with us - not her cell phone. I would have definetely taken the phone every night, and especially when I saw my DD hiding under the blankets. I would have given her 3 seconds to prove to me that she was not naked under the covers and if she was I would have said, "Well, that is your choice, however right now I am having some feelings that are worrying me about you, so while I cannot control what clothes you do or do not have on, I do however have control over your phone and I will be taking it and we will discuss everything in the morning". I would have gone through the phone on the spot.

lilhandswonder0
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 3:52 AM
Thanks for your reply. Your right, I should of taken it away the first time she hid it n deleted things from it. Well I have her phone now and I'm not planning on giving it.

Yes dad lives at home. I took a loom at my husband's phone and apparently my daughter texted him from his phone. I asked her about it and she said she had to say bye and to tell him she's not allowed to txt him anymore. But then that guy had the tenacity to txt my husband saying "That it was his fault that she sent him the pics/videos of her. That he had asked for them. He says he realy likes my daughter and would like to get to know her better as friends" He then continues to tell my husband that he wants to talk to him and giving my husband a time to when to call him.

Now I don't know if that's a good idea at all. My husbands sleeping on it and taking his time and hasnt called him yet. I guess he's thinking on what to say to'em. I was thinking of calling him myself and really finding out his intentions. And to hear his voice, but then again you can't really tell how old the person is on the phone right or if they are whom they say they are.

I asked my husband why he's allowing our daughter to txt him and he says that we can't stop her. That she'll find ways with or without our permission. True!

But I think you got a good idea on getting the police involved.
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GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:24 AM
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Sorry for not replying till now - I'm not used to not being directly quoted haha!


I would tell this boy/man NO! I would reply to his message and say "No. I do not wish to talk to you. Please leave my family alone. If we are contacted by you again we are going to the police". You don't know who this guy is. You don't know where he is ACTUALLY from or how old he truly is. Don't give him anything at all. He could be anyone or anything.


In Normal circumstances, I would agree with your husband. BUT you don't know who this guy is or what he wants. If he truly liked your daughter, he wouldn't want to be seeing her body until they were in person, preferably after they met at least 10 times. He'd be banned in my house already just by telling her to sext. Also, your daughter has a bad history of deleting messages.


contact the police, make sure he is who he really says he is. If he is, tell him. Our daughter is currently grounded for (example) 2 weeks from all technology. When those 2 weeks are up she will be allowed to contact you. but because of your history we will be monitoring every form of communication you two have and if anything is ever deleted before I see it - ALL FORMS OF COMMUNICATION ARE GONE.


I hate to say it, but this isn't just guys you're dealing with here. This is internet guys. Guys you don't know what they want with your daughter. This is your daughters life and reputation (jobs, uni/college prospects) that is in jepordy here. Don't take risks and don't allow her to throw herself away for some random guy. He is not the one. She doesn't even know if he is truly the guy he professes to be.


Quoting lilhandswonder0:

Thanks for your reply. Your right, I should of taken it away the first time she hid it n deleted things from it. Well I have her phone now and I'm not planning on giving it.

Yes dad lives at home. I took a loom at my husband's phone and apparently my daughter texted him from his phone. I asked her about it and she said she had to say bye and to tell him she's not allowed to txt him anymore. But then that guy had the tenacity to txt my husband saying "That it was his fault that she sent him the pics/videos of her. That he had asked for them. He says he realy likes my daughter and would like to get to know her better as friends" He then continues to tell my husband that he wants to talk to him and giving my husband a time to when to call him.

Now I don't know if that's a good idea at all. My husbands sleeping on it and taking his time and hasnt called him yet. I guess he's thinking on what to say to'em. I was thinking of calling him myself and really finding out his intentions. And to hear his voice, but then again you can't really tell how old the person is on the phone right or if they are whom they say they are.

I asked my husband why he's allowing our daughter to txt him and he says that we can't stop her. That she'll find ways with or without our permission. True!

But I think you got a good idea on getting the police involved.



atlmom2
by Susie on Apr. 8, 2013 at 9:22 AM
1 mom liked this
You did not violate her privacy. I told my girls, phones, computers are never ever private. Does she really need a phone? I would take it. Be a parent and do not feel bad about discipline.
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LnghrnFan
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:14 AM
2 moms liked this

It sounds like you're being a good mom and taking the necessary steps to protect your daughter...teen girls (and boys, too!) don't really understand the dangers out there.  It's up to us parents to do all we can to guide them, but it sure is a hard job...especially as they get older!

I hope it's okay to share this here, but I work for an organization called Focus on the Family, and as I read your post it reminded me of some information they provide on protecting teens in the "tech world."  If you think it would be helpful, you can find more at this link: http://bit.ly/21xCvj

Blessings to you!

lilhandswonder0
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:38 PM
Tnx, I've taken everything away. I had just reconnected her phone a month ago for ER purposes only. But she's crossed the line and I'm not thinking in giving it back, any of it!


Quoting atlmom2:

You did not violate her privacy. I told my girls, phones, computers are never ever private. Does she really need a phone? I would take it. Be a parent and do not feel bad about discipline.

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lilhandswonder0
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:48 PM
Tnx for the link. I had heard about Focus on the family on Klove/Air1. A while back but never really research it. I read the article and its alarming and so true. Teens are not the only ones doing the whole technology thing thou. Adults do it too and it's sad how we've allowed it to take over our homes.

Technology is great and all and it's amazing how the world has come to this. But why do so many families have to have every single electronic gadget out there. I think it's tearing families apart cuz now we don't TALK to each other, we txt even if we're just 5 feet away. Ridiculous!


Quoting LnghrnFan:

It sounds like you're being a good mom and taking the necessary steps to protect your daughter...teen girls (and boys, too!) don't really understand the dangers out there.  It's up to us parents to do all we can to guide them, but it sure is a hard job...especially as they get older!


I hope it's okay to share this here, but I work for an organization called Focus on the Family, and as I read your post it reminded me of some information they provide on protecting teens in the "tech world."  If you think it would be helpful, you can find more at this link: http://bit.ly/21xCvj


Blessings to you!


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bribren
by Brenda on Apr. 8, 2013 at 4:33 PM
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Sexting is serious business. She can be prosecuted for child porn and anyone who received it will also be prosecuted. It happened to my BF daughter. You need to explain that it will haunt her forever. MY BF is trying to get her DD conviction turned over so she will not have to be sex offender for the rest of her life. One stupid act can lead to years of pain.

lazyd
by Bronze Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 5:00 PM
1 mom liked this

Depends on what cell phone plans you have, but we have tmobile and we can block certain numbers from coming in to any phone - that includes texting.  So if this guy wises up and gets a new number just keep on blocking it - the guy will get tired of getting new cell #'s.  Plus you can take the pictures to the police station and turn your daughter in.  Let the police have the guys number and they can do the research.  

Monsita
by Bronze Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 5:28 PM
1 mom liked this

hugsKeep on talking to your daughter......do not give upon fiding out more about all of this!!

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