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Why does "no" not mean no anymore!

Posted by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 12:51 PM
  • 26 Replies

So my 19 year old college student son informed us that his gf and her parents invited him to go to her cousins 8th grade graduation party in June. This entails staying overnight two nights, and they are all staying in the same room-something my husband and I think is a little weird but of course the son does not because he wants to go. Now I know a lot of mom's are going to say " he is 19 and therefore an adult" but he still lives in our house and we still pay all the bills so we feel we have the right to say yes or no to certain things. The gf doesn't think we have the right to say no to anything where she is involved. If we say no, we get constant questions as to why not and then constantly telling us he wants to go. The issue is that we own a family business (which he is in college to take courses to go into the business when he is done-his choice, not ours) and the summer is always very busy, my husband tried to explain that to him and that something may come up that weekend that we may need his help for. This is not good enough, everytime we tell him that he obviously tells the gf and then we get a text saying something like he's sure we can do without him one weekend! I'm just tired of no never meaning no anymore, before the gf if we said no to something that was the end of it! I also told him that if the room costs more because he is supposed to go and then something comes up where he can't go we would pay the difference, not good enough, the gf wants a yes and thats final!(in case you can't tell she is very controlling) UGH! Just hope one day my old son comes back into being. Thanks for letting me vent!

by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 12:51 PM
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by Susie on Apr. 12, 2013 at 12:58 PM
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I would give him a yes or no answer and leave it at that.
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by Bronze Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 1:28 PM
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I don't see what the big deal is about ONE weekend away with his girlfriend. He is an adult even if you don't think so and yes you pay his collage bills BUT by your own admission he works in the family business. I am assuming he is paid a wage for this and if he isn't \I know I would be looking else where for work. You might think it's all his girlfriend and if she were out of the picture he would be back to pre collage son. Face it he went to collage to broaden his horizons and get an eduacation he has grown up and you can't control his every thought any longer.  I know my kids at that age would tell us buy the way weekend A I won't be here I'm going to to so and so's for whatever. It's part of growing up and becoming independent. ANd before you say he lives in your house mine still all lived at home and did this after they graduated highschool.

by Gold Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 3:26 PM
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He is not an adult until he is paying his own way.  If you are his meal ticket, his housing, and his education then you get final say.  If you feel this isnt appropriate then say no.  If you have always followed through on your rules then he will abide by them.  If he knows that he can manipulate you, wear you down, or that you wont follow through then he will not obey you.  But if you make a threat, then you MUST follow through.

I think the best course of action is to speak to him and his girlfriend togehter.  She is trouble with a capital T.... if she is THAT disrespectful at such a young age.  She will be hell on earth as a daughter in law.  I think I would sit them down and discuss it, and how you expect to be treated.  I see this as a symptom of a MUCH bigger issue with him, her, and them as a couple.

by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 4:51 PM

To bexsmum, My son only works in the business in the summer, he does not work during the school year, and of course he gets paid for the hours that he works. I would not have as much of an  issue with this if they were staying at someone's home and he had a separate room and if there was nothing that he needed to do for his father that weekend, but because we own the business, you never know what is going to come up that you may have to deal with, so we didn't want to give him a definite "yes". To us the real issue is that we feel like whenever it is something that pertains to the gf we are not "allowed" to say no because she just makes his life miserable until he gets a yes from us. (I know because I've walked by his room when she is cursing him out on the phone because we have told him no to something-it could be as simple as us telling him he that they should go out on a different night because the roads are icy!) We rarely say no to anything anyway, just not keen on the overnight events. And when he is older and more responsible for himself I won't have an issue with him doing what he wants even if he is still living at home. I just feel like there is no respect from the gf which in turn brings no respect from our son, who used to be very respectful and it is sad for us to see that happen.

by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 5:42 PM
Maybe gf thinks she is his mom, now? I mean really? She's whines to you, stomps her feet ?
That's ridiculous! Yeah, he's 19.... But he's going to ask you for money for this, right?

And yes, he's 19 so you have to know he is most likely sexually active already IF that's a concern . If not, then I'd have a chat with gf and son together explaining in front of him that she does not nag someone else's parents.

Have you heard of a " sh*t sandwich"? :-)
It's where you gush a couple of complements, express whatever displeasure you have, and gush more compliments.
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by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 5:43 PM
It's your house and your dime, so it's going to be your rules. My parents did the same thing to me. I graduated high school very young (16) and I got a job. I wanted to go bowling with some friends one night and my dad said no. I said, I have a job, I'm not in high school, I have my own car, I'm always responsible, I want to go. He said BS, you're not going anywhere as long as you live here. Within 2 months I had my own apartment and assumed all my own bills. If he wants to have it his way, he can take care of himself like a fully grown man. Until then, you DO have a say in the matter. And that GF is a disrespectful brat. I hope he rethinks his choice in women.
by Member on Apr. 12, 2013 at 7:16 PM

Yes, he's 19 and an adult, but he still needs to be respectful and you are still paying all the bills.  If you have a valid reason for him to stay home, then he should "get it."  If it's just because you don't like his gf (and I wouldn't like her by the sounds of it), then I think it's a whole new can of worms so to speak.

by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 7:26 PM
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 First I would ask yourselves is it REALLY because you can't do without him at the family business that one weekend or is it because you don't think they should stay the night together? If it's truthfully for thye business, then yes, you pay teh bills, be insistent and back it up that if he wants his rent and school to be paid he needs to stay home where his services are nec. If however it is really because you don't want him spending the night with this girl in a hotel room and you are using the work thing a an excuse (he WILL see through this) then I would let it go. It's one weekend, they are adults, you need to let go.

by Kimberly on Apr. 12, 2013 at 10:12 PM
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Well, you appear to be waffling.   You need to give a straight answer.     I don't think telling him you MIGHT need him that particular weekend is fair.    Is he never allowed to make definate plans over the summer?       Be honest and tell him you disapprove of the sleeping arrangements.

by on Apr. 12, 2013 at 10:15 PM

Sounds like girlfriend isnt the only controlling one in this situation.

You know, my parents were like this when i was in college- like exactly, and with my brother too. You should know that though my dad has passed away, my mom is alive and well, and doesnt know but two of her six grandchildren and isnt allowed to be in either mine or my brotehrs lives. We absolutely cannot stand her and how she tnks she has a say in tngs all the time.

You CAN be without him that weekend. Youll live. 

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