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17 year old daughter wants to switch schools- and move in with her dad

Posted by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 4:35 PM
  • 20 Replies
My daughter will be 18 in October. She has decided she wants to switch back to her old school system (we've been here for 4 years now) for her senior year. Her father has told her she could after agreeing a few months ago to back me up and say no should that question come up again. That school system has had 6 teen suicides this year, is ranked very low academically and has a very high teen pregnancy rate. We are in one of the top ranked schools in our state right now. My sister, mom, mother-in-law and brother-in-law all work in this school system (bil is the principal) so it feels safer to me. I'm really struggling with this. I think legally she probably would be allowed to switch. Unfortunately I think she's making a huge mistake. And not even just the school system part. Her father is an alcoholic and won't be home to know what she's doing a lot of the time (I know, she's almost an adult). Her sister who is 15 will still be here along with her brother who is 2 and her sister that will be here in May. I'm sure me being 35 weeks pregnant is not helping my coping skills. I'm heartbroken. I feel like she's tearing the family apart, but them I'm also so very tired of all the drama she causes in our household. I feel like I've fought tooth and nail to protect her against herself for so many years only to have it all undone because her father can't ever say no and is going to let her do as she pleases. Anyone have any thoughts on this? I'm so tired of crying about it, seems like all I do!
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 4:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
andersongirl562
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 4:46 PM
She is old enough to make her own choices imo...you can only hope that you have raised her right and given her a strong foundation to stand on..my Dd is 15 and I would respect her decision if she wanted to live with her Dad.
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TranquilMind
by Bronze Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 5:28 PM

 I'd be concerned about letting her switch with the information you have given about the new school system.  I'd talk to her father about this information, for sure. 

A court would probably let her do what she wants, so close to 18, so you will really have to use your persuasive powers.  Maybe you can copy a bunch of articles about the problems at the school.

sabrtooth1
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 5:34 PM

She will not be 18 till October.  School starts in Aug or Sept.  If YOU have legal custody, say no.  Period.

Carmel63
by Bronze Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 6:46 PM

If your daughter is planning on applying to colleges, this move will be a disaster.  Between having to complete what could be a different set of graduation requirements, and getting recommendations, this could make a stressful situation worse.  Other than that, there is not much you can do.  I am not sure there is a judge in the country that will stop your daughter from moving in with her father.  

MamaSnaps
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 7:03 PM
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Why not talk with her and find out her reasoning. Not the fluff she feeds you but, the deep down reasons. I am guessing it's the freedom she'll experience by living with dad and the ease in which she'll be able to sail through the year. 

I'd be upset too. You have a situation that is going to be tough. I'd probably say you are going to have to let her go but, stipulate that if her grades and/or attendance or behavior becomes a problem she's gonna come home so fast she'll have whiplash. 

Carmel63
by Bronze Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 10:05 PM



Quoting MamaSnaps:

Why not talk with her and find out her reasoning. Not the fluff she feeds you but, the deep down reasons. I am guessing it's the freedom she'll experience by living with dad and the ease in which she'll be able to sail through the year. 

I'd be upset too. You have a situation that is going to be tough. I'd probably say you are going to have to let her go but, stipulate that if her grades and/or attendance or behavior becomes a problem she's gonna come home so fast she'll have whiplash. 


Really, there is no way to enforce that.  

jojo_star
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 10:34 PM

I'd let her make her choice. She's almost 18, and if you force her to stay where she is unhappy, her grades and behavior could suffer. 

crheinheimer
by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 7:33 AM
I agree with all of you. I think I really have no choice. I text her dad about it and of course no reply. He can't ever be a parent with the girls, he just says yes because it's the easy way out and then he won't have to be the bad guy. Which of course has left me being the mean one for the 10 years we've been divorced. She's given me 4 different reasons now. Yesterday it was because we fight so much- which we haven't been. Just the week before spring break when I was getting all the clothes and things she needed for her NYC trip with her choir concert she told me how much fun I was to hang out with. I need to stop thinking so much about it I suppose and accept that I can't stop this.
luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 12:52 PM

There really isn't anything you can do to stop her. At 17 she can pretty much move out if it's what she wants to do. I'd be heartbroken also, most parents would, so let her go. Let her know the door will be open for her should she decide that she made the wrong choice. 

kthomasson
by Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 1:04 PM
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I'd sit down and have a nice long chat with her and ask her if this is really what she wants.  Tell her if she switches that she stays for the ENTIRE school year there will be no moving back and forth, playing you and DAD against each other.  Remind her that the schoolmates she's gone to high school with for the past 3 years, her FRIENDS will all be graduating here.....she'll have to start over with people that vaguely, sorta, kinda remember her but that are not good friends and have formed new friends with others.  She'll be the outsider.  That's a hard, hard road to do your senior year. 

I suspect you are spot on that she's doing it because she wants the freedom that she gets at Dad's house, but if you make it clear right here and now there will be no bouncing back and forth she may change her mind.  Play hardball my dear.......and put the ball in her court.


 

Quoting crheinheimer:

I agree with all of you. I think I really have no choice. I text her dad about it and of course no reply. He can't ever be a parent with the girls, he just says yes because it's the easy way out and then he won't have to be the bad guy. Which of course has left me being the mean one for the 10 years we've been divorced. She's given me 4 different reasons now. Yesterday it was because we fight so much- which we haven't been. Just the week before spring break when I was getting all the clothes and things she needed for her NYC trip with her choir concert she told me how much fun I was to hang out with. I need to stop thinking so much about it I suppose and accept that I can't stop this.


 

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