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I'm a mess and need advice (sorta long) but please help

Posted by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 2:56 AM
  • 74 Replies
tonight i went out to pick something up for my daughter that she left at a friends house. i don't have a license- it was revoked because of a dui I had 4 years ago and its expensive to get it back. i don't normally drive- i always have someone take me. anyway, tonight i was trying to get home fast and i got pulled over and got a ticket for driving after revocation. my daughter was freaking out because i hadn't got home so she called her dad worried about me. i was able to drive the car home (i got pulled over 2 blocks from my house and the cop let me pull it in the driveway) when i got home the shit hit the fan. i called my S/O and he started screaming about how he works hard and has nothing because of me, fucking this and fucking that, then he hung up on me 3 times.

the thing is, i have a job now and i have to do 100 things around the house or he gets mad, the thermostat cant be above 62 degrees, the curtains cant be messed up, the lights cant be on before 7:30, he expects dinner every night, i do all the cleaning and laundry and everything else but if 1 thing is wrong i get bitched at. i can do 1,000 things for him during the day so he doesn't get mad but he will point out the 1 thing that is wrong. i know i screwed up tonight and he's mad about the $200 ticket, but then he screamed at my daughter and she's bawling that dad told her to get a job to help with the family finances, and that dad says he has nothing and she thinks its because of her. i'm terrified of screwing up because he gets so mad and he's scary. he's never hit me but he'll punch walls and counter tops and he broke the broom in half hitting it on the wall. what do isay or do? is my marriage a mess?
by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 2:56 AM
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by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 3:05 AM
by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 3:06 AM
by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 4:29 AM
4 moms liked this

I think it's pretty clear that his behaviour is frightening you and he KNOWS he frightens you.  Yes, I'd call it abuse even though he hasn't hit you YET.  Seriously consider your options here - are you willing to stay in an abusive relationship and HOPE that he won't step over that line and hit you sometime in the future.  Are you willing to let your daughter be bullied 'to help with the family finances' and be made to think that she is at fault that your SO thinks he 'has nothing'?

You say that you're working now - this is good.  Time to start squirreling away some of your hard-earned cash into a fund to help you to get away if things continue like this or get worse.  Seriously, in your shoes I would be thinking I was better off alone with DD than living with this man who treats you so badly.

by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 4:36 AM
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I would leave him. No one deserves to get treated that way.
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by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 4:38 AM
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 Honey I hope this isn't real because if it is you seriously need to get out of the relationship and get both you and your DD counceling. I lived with abuse and finally after he started hitting me I was almost killed. No he never hit me before so I stayed til he did. I woke up in my own blood. Get out before it's to late.

by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 5:46 AM
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When you came to post here, you knew what we were going to say.  You know that this is abuse.  It's called emotional abuse.  Some times the emotional abuse is far worse than that of the physical abuse.

I know you are thinking right now that you can't leave him, you don't have the resources, you don't have a place to go, you don't have enough money, your daughter has friends she will not want to leave behind.  There are a million excuses going threw your head right now. The truth is your scared to leave him.  It is a scary thing, but it is something that must be done before he turns to physical violence. 

Your dd is very special to you, I can tell because you risked a lot to go get something she had left at a friend's house. It means a lot to her that you did this, but it would probably mean a lot more if you got the two of you out of this situation.  What she is seeing is that it is okay for men to treat women like that.  She is seeing that women are below men and need to follow everything a man says. 

Be strong!!!  You can do this!!! There are many support groups out there, there are many abuse shelters out there.  There is help, you just have to ask for it. 

I don't believe in saving enough money to leave.  I don't believe in confrontation.  I believe in life and love and from what I read here, you have neither from this man.

The time is now. Do it for your dd and do it for yourself.  YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS!!!!!

by Susie on Apr. 20, 2013 at 8:24 AM
You need to get your life together. A dui and driving when you shouldn't have. I would be mad as hell at you too. Maybe not screaming but furious with you for making such poor choices. You both need some major changes.
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by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 9:35 AM
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atlmom2... the DUI is the least of her concerns... yes... she made a poor choice... that being said... this young woman in is an abusive relationship and is looking for SUPPORT and THIS is what you choose to focus on... it's bad enough that she gets this treatment at home... she doesn't need it here too...

hotnbothered... this is NOT a healthy relationship... you need to get out of there for the safety of both you and your DD... leighp1 made very good suggestions... I strongly encourage you to follow through with them... I'm sure you don't want your DD being in this type of relationship... what she's learning now is that it's ok to be treated like this by men... and it's NOT ok for either one of you...
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by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 12:20 PM
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 1st I want to say your daughter has a poor example to follow if this is true.  You got  a DUI which is illegal then you decide it is ok for you to drive also illegal,  you then let a man treat you like a child but then again you are acting like one by not taking responsible for your actions.  I think after 4 years there is no excuse not to have your license back you could have put back a little each month until you had enough.

You need to grow up and start taking responsibility for your actions then since you have a job find another place for you and your child to live even it it government housing

by Bronze Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 12:40 PM

I dont know why you are even askin if your marriage is a mess!  Yes, it is and you need to "illegally" take that car and your daughter AND RUN!  Driving "illegally" is the least of your concerns right now.  Do you want your daughter to find an abusive man when she grows up cuz thats the only way shes been raised??  You will never please your SO and he will continue to yell and be abusive.  This is emotional abuse and it will turn physical.  Dont be stupid, stand up for your daughter and RUN!

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