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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

My 16-year old is being left out at the weekend

Posted by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 7:07 AM
  • 23 Replies

I am the mom of a lovely, kind, caring 16-year old who helps her classmates with their work and everything else. She is in 10th grade and has been left out by all the girls at the weekend pretty much since starting high school. The 'best friend' who she had when she came to the school is very jealous of her and screwed her over in 9th grade and then this year again, taking 5 other friends with her. My daughter regrouped and seems OK during school hours, but nobody invites her at the weekend.

The boys are friendly to her but even the nice ones do not include her at events at the weekend. My hunch is that many of them just hang out together doing sports, but even so.

She wanted to leave the school, but now figures that there is no guarantee that it would be better at the all-girls school she would go to -- from an academic and/or social perspective. She's going into her Junior year so is scared to move as that's the most rigorous year in high school anyway and to start all over again would be tough.

I cry every day and none of my friends have any answers as she is a kid who, on a piece of paper, has it all going for her.

Please let me know if any of you are going through this heartbreak too and if you have any suggestions to help me through and help her too.

by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 7:07 AM
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Replies (1-10):
leighp1
by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 7:20 AM

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling.  My dd is 15 and seems to have a lot of friends at school, but when it comes to the weekend, she stays at home and ends up playing on her XBox.  They will make plans in front of her, but will not invited her.  They say they are friends, but when push comes to shove, they aren't.  My dd helps then whenever they need it.  She helps them when they are absent and gives them notes that she took in class, etc, but when she is absent no one seems to have notes or anything.  Here it seems that people think they are just too good for her.  I don't know what else to do.  She tries to have people come over here, but that last one time and then they don't come back.  My house is not the best, but it is not a dump and it is clean (super clean when people come over).  My dd is in a Collegiate High School and there isn't a lot of kids there to begin with and we have no one really her age in our area, so she gets her friends from her Xbox games.  I hate it, but there is nothing I can do any more.  It's better than hearing her cry because no one will come over or invite her out.  

I am sorry this got long.  I just started typing and couldn't stop.

I hope your dd finds her clique and loves life!!

atlmom2
by Susie on Apr. 22, 2013 at 7:24 AM
I hope she finds some new friends. Sad but there is nothing you can do. Cannot make kids be friends with her.
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jazzgirl205
by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 7:31 AM
3 moms liked this

Is she active in any extracurricular activities or volunteer work?  Not only would this give her access to a different group of friends but it would also look good when she applies to a college.

ForeverLawst
by Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 7:53 AM


Quoting jazzgirl205:

Is she active in any extracurricular activities or volunteer work?  Not only would this give her access to a different group of friends but it would also look good when she applies to a college.

That's what I was going to suggest. =) When I was in HS, I used to candystripe at the local hospital. It was alot of fun for me and all I did was deliver flowers to the rooms or file folders for the sonogram dept. I had a blast.

luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 9:45 AM
2 moms liked this

She needs to look outside of school, and you need to stop being bothered by it, especially if she see's your upset by it. That's not doing her any good.

kthomasson
by Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 12:36 PM

I'm sorry....teen years are rough ones.  My DD goes through similar things.  She is very involved and sometimes does things with friends but still alot of her friends exclude her.  I have just told her that high school years and teens are difficult and it will be different when she gets to college.  Does she have a job? Often that's a great way to widen their circle of friends!!

diamondgirl18
by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 1:48 PM

Thanks for these replies.

She has a ton of work and is a very focused and ambitious student. She always gives people her notes and stuff too, and they all know where to find her when they need help.

She is studying for some SATs now so she doesn't have a lot of free time. She does belong to clubs at school but no real friendships seem to come from it.

She volunteers with a mentally challenged kid too and sometimes babysits.

She is SUCH a good girl and I just can't begin to understand it. WHY would those girls want to exclude her? Is it a power play thing?

Any insights on that?

I know the teen years are hard but this seems even worse than when I was growing up.

diamondgirl18
by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 1:49 PM

How does she react when you tell her that these are just rough years?

I feel so inadequate and helpless saying that.
I just want to fix it and I can't.

cege
by Bronze Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 4:38 PM

Is your daughter driving yet?   Once my daughter got her license the amount of people she hung out with outside of school greatly expanded.  My daughter had a lot of friends in high school but the closest ones were the girls she started hanging around with her junior and senior years.  With her initial group of friends that she met freshman year there were definitely some power plays and jockeying for position.  One of her friends is a queen bee type who liked to run the show and that sometimes meant excluding anyone she felt threatened by.  If she felt my daughter would get more attention from boys in a particular situation my daughter wouldn't be invited to that event. What really helped my daughter not care when she wasn't invited to something was that she always had friends who went to different high schools that she could hang out with.  She met a lot of them through extracurricular activities that were independent from school like horseback riding and church youth group.  There wasn't a huge time commitment with either of those activities but it was enough for her to form friendships.  On a side note, although my daughter liked high school she likes college a ton better and feels like she's met really quality people to be friends with.  Encourage your daughter to keep looking forward.  I hope things get better for her. 

mumsy2three
by Shauna on Apr. 22, 2013 at 5:32 PM


Quoting diamondgirl18:

Thanks for these replies.

She has a ton of work and is a very focused and ambitious student. She always gives people her notes and stuff too, and they all know where to find her when they need help.

She is studying for some SATs now so she doesn't have a lot of free time. She does belong to clubs at school but no real friendships seem to come from it.

She volunteers with a mentally challenged kid too and sometimes babysits.

She is SUCH a good girl and I just can't begin to understand it. WHY would those girls want to exclude her? Is it a power play thing?

Any insights on that?

I know the teen years are hard but this seems even worse than when I was growing up.

Girls are mean. They exclude her because of the social hierarchy that teen girls have adopted. It is a power thing. The movie Mean Girls is based on a book by Rosalind Wiseman called Queen Bees and Wannabes. I read the book (it's in the library at the HS I work in), I'll admit it was very dry reading but the author touched on few things that I incorporated into raising my dd.

While you can't pick your dd's friends (wouldn't that be nice) you can encourage her to try to make new ones and be there for her (biting your tongue/not bashing the friends) when she comes to you upset about her current set of "friends".

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