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Son want to live with father..Advice please.

Posted by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 5:41 AM
  • 10 Replies

So...my 14 yr old son wants to live with father.

I feel so against this for so many reasons...

I love my child dearly, and I would have to settle for reduced time spent with him.

His father abandoned him to go to Europe, and then other places (Califonia, Canada, and then Montanna) before his first birthday (1998) up until he was 9 yrs old(2007). We didn't hear from him at all (no phone call, no child suppot, nothing) Except when he showed up on my doorstep out of the blue when he was 2 (2000). He asked about seeing him and I told him he needed to develope some *roots* where we live, because our son needed a consistant presence from him. He seen him a few hours and then dissapeared again, until 2004. He showed up again, out of the blue, with his 1 yr old daughter.

I decided to let them stay with me, because they were homeless, and i thought it would be good for my son, to have his father around. However, this proved not to be the case, he was addicted to internet games, had no job, and dumped all the responcibilty of his daughter on me. He didn't interact with our son, and left me to take care of his daughter. So, insted of kicking them out on the street and probably destroying the relationship my son could have with his father, My son and I moved in with a friend and I let him sublease my apartment. Well, he refused to exercise visitation with kaleb, which was infuriating to me because I had paid the rent and electric bill until he found a roomate, just so he could still see his son. Anyhoo, I couldn't just kick him out of the apartment (he lived there for about 8 months), but when my lease came up for renewal, I did not resign and gave him 30 days to move out.

Well, and ofcourse we didn't hear a peep out of him, not until he had to pay childsupport. My son was born in 1998, and his father didn't start paying child support until 2006. However, it wasn't until 2007 his father decided to exercise regular visitation. During this time, I have had another child, in 2005. However, that relationship did not work out, but I did get married in 2008 and had 2 children in 2009 and 2011.

However, when my son turned 14, his father decides to sue me for custody. Because my son is at that magic age where he gets a say, and my ex has been playing disney land parent. So, we go to mediation and I decide to let Kaleb spend a school year with his father, as a Trial run. He is doing worse in school, he has the biggest potty mouth, I've lost control and respect from him. He still wants to live with his dad and i refuse to play disney land parent.

Anyhoo, i could say...ok let him live with his dad, I'll still get to see him..though not as much. However, i am A SAHM, and I know he will sue me for child support. This is going to completely disrupt our household. I feel repulsed at the Notion that i will have to pay him child support after I, and with the help of my partner, took care of our son until he was 8 yrs old without any support from my sons father. It's just so frustrating, I really don't want to sound selfish...but sheesh. I can't help it. I could fight him on custody..but that would be a huge drain on finaces, and i could lose...just because of the simple fact I let him spend a trial year with his father, (worked out with mediators), and because my son wants to live with him.

What would you do? How would you handle it? Help! :)



by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 5:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 7:34 AM

hugs momma. I have no experience .maybe work PT and give them the money?

EscVelocity
by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 8:10 AM

Yes, I know I will have to take on a job to pay Child support...and I will. My son deserves my support...however, its the principle of the matter. I just don't feel like my sons father deserves my son. I guess I'm a little bit angry at my son too...for not appreciating the sacrifices I made for him. I've bit my tongue, but I have wanted to lash out  and let my son know how rotten his dad is. I haven't, but the feeling is there...I'm just so frustrated and my feelings are hurt.

*hugs back*

irishlass569
by Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 9:55 AM

We're in a simular place you and I.  My daughter is 15 and has been acting out for the past two years.  He hasn't spent much time with her since our divorce when she was 1 but has made more of an effort over the past year.  So, I'm hoping she can go live with him for the coming school year.  BUT, we never dealt with the court for child support and although he has paid religiously for 14 years the amount that he pays is 65% of what NJ state law would require of him - I did this so he would stay in our daughters life (yes, I know I'm an idiot).  I'm saying that to say, he'll only get medical and dental coverage out of me and if he dares take me to court, I'll remind him that he has short changed me over $7,100 over the past 14 years - good luck getting a penny.I know it hurts to let him go, but get a little PT job and let him.  Stay consistenly in his life and do what you can.  I wish you the best :-)

 

mystictigeress
by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 10:08 AM
1 mom liked this

Let me get this straight....Your son was born in 1997, and his father didn't start paying child support until 2006? He has been more or less in and out of his life in the last 14 years. I hope you have documentation of this. Get a lawyer, and if you contact the court you may be able to get a free lawyer since you're not working, and fight. Let your son stay there, but fight the child support fault. Sounds to me like he owes you anyway. You took care of your child on your own for the first 9 years with no support. Let him get through the teen years without support. Get a job, and when you have your son, go and do things with him, and buy him what he wants/needs while he is with you. Best of luck to you.

irishlass569
by Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 10:27 AM

I may but after 14 years of doing it alone, it would be worth the money to have him finally be a parent. 


Quoting IamMex11:

 

he may dare and you may lose.

Quoting irishlass569:

We're in a simular place you and I.  My daughter is 15 and has been acting out for the past two years.  He hasn't spent much time with her since our divorce when she was 1 but has made more of an effort over the past year.  So, I'm hoping she can go live with him for the coming school year.  BUT, we never dealt with the court for child support and although he has paid religiously for 14 years the amount that he pays is 65% of what NJ state law would require of him - I did this so he would stay in our daughters life (yes, I know I'm an idiot).  I'm saying that to say, he'll only get medical and dental coverage out of me and if he dares take me to court, I'll remind him that he has short changed me over $7,100 over the past 14 years - good luck getting a penny.I know it hurts to let him go, but get a little PT job and let him.  Stay consistenly in his life and do what you can.  I wish you the best :-)

 

 

 


 

OvrMyHead
by Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 12:03 PM

 How can you be ordered to pay child support when you have no income?  They won't use your spouses income (I don't think) to determine child support.  Since you have 3 other minor children, I think any support ordered would be minimal.  You may be able to do the calculation yourself on your state's child support calculator. 

I would offer BF liberal visitation with no court order, like you can get your son for visitation EOWE and 1 night a week.  If you can work out something on your own without courts or a lawyer that would save you and him $$ and this arrangement may not stick anyway.  Your DS will figure out real quick if his dad is someone he wants to live with.

Barabell
by Barbara on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:55 PM

I have no idea, sorry. HUGS.

Please continue to update us.

jthompson1976
by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 11:40 PM

hugs i have no idea what id do if my boys wanted to go live with bo father  there dad and i have divored when my son was 7 months and i was preg with my other son. i dont think id let them if they asked.. it would be very hard...  well as for me there dad never really wanted anything to do with them. im lucky  my husband has been there only dad in there life..they was 2 and 3 when we meet. and they are very very close

EscVelocity
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 10:22 AM
Thanks for all your replies. I'm so sorry for those of you going through a similar situation. However, I do have an update. It's getting closer to the time when my son is to be returned to my custody. I had my son over the weekend, and the entire time we spent taking him back to his fathers, he ranted about living with his dad. I was relieved to hear that he realizes the grass isn't greener. Apparently there is favoritism between my son and the daughter that my ex decided to take of, and keep for the entirety of her life. Also, my ex has married and there my be some animosity towards my son by her. My ex also has children with his wife. I do feel sorry about my sons situation though. He wanted to go live with dad for the affections of his real father, but he might realize the real reasons his dad wanted him to come live with him: to get out of paying child support. I'll be setting up a counseling appointment for for my son very soon.
EscVelocity
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 10:35 AM

Oh, they can and do impute wages on unemployed parents for child support reasons. They also do not consider later born children when calculating child support, only prior born children. That's how it is in my state anyhoo, and that state is Kentucky. Also, I could not nail him for the years he didn't pay child support, because there was no child support order. Arrears only accumulate after a child support order has been established and not paid. However, when filing a child support order, you can ask the judge to consider money owed for previous years, but there is a limit on how far they can go back. I'm thinking its 2 years. Our child support order has been in effect since 2006, and to ease the burden on my ex I did not ask for the support from 1998 until the order. I think I am beyond the ability to ask him to pay support from 1998 up until the support order went into effect at this time.

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