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Would this make you furious?

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I think my husband has a temper problem. Here's the latest example, and tell me if you would react the same way.

Last night, my husband was adding our 16-year-old son to our auto insurance policy. He went into our son's room and asked for his driver's license. Our son asked "why?" My husband said, "No, not WHY. I don't need to explain the reasons to you. Just hand me your license." My son looked all confused and said, "But why? What's going on?" Well, my husband lost it. He responded with God f'ing dammit, give me your f'ing license. Jesus Christ, I need it for something. F'ing godammit, don't challenge me and just lie there, you should be handing me your f'ing license! Son was freaked out and gave it to him, while hubby walked away muttering nothing but curse words. He was angry again when I told him he overreacted, what is WRONG with you. More cursing until I had to walk out of the room.

This is how he's been for years. I can't stand the cursing and temper anymore. I've put up with it for so long, and I'm at the end of my rope. What he did last night just pushed me even farther to the end. Forget counseling, he thinks I need it but he's perfect. He even said that once, that he has NO emotional issues, that he is a perfectly balanced individual. What to do? We've been together 17 years. And yes, he's always had a bad temper. When we were dating I didn't see it, it was only about a year after we were married it began to surface.
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 10:10 PM
Replies (41-50):
daisykat
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 3:56 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting mommersx4:



He didn't hit the dog- but he's always telling me to spank our 10-year-old when he acts up. I refuse. I'm not anti-spanking at all, I just got spanked a lot as a kid and it never was necessary or did me any good. The last time he spanked the youngest he DIDN'T hit his butt, he got the small of his back and there were two giant hand prints there. I was horrified. I've decided the next rant he has, I'm done. I should probably leave before that in the event that the next rant is a dangerous one, but I need to plan ahead. I've handled him for 17 years, I think I can handle another week or two.
mamavalor
by Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 4:14 PM

 Happy to hear you got out of that abusive relationship.  Best to be alone for the right reasons and to be with someone for the wrong ones.  My hubbys says to our kids if you don't remember anything I teach you, do remember that the most important decision you will ever make is the one you choose to marry and have a family with.


Quoting mommersx4:

 I'm sorry but I am the only provider of my son and have constant (keep me up at night) worry about money, car, health issues etc. But, I never act like that. He is an abusive man!!!! Stress only makes him more of the monster he already is. Did he hit the dog when the remote fell? If he is hitting walls sorry but you or the kids or next. Yes, I was in a relationship like this, and now I am alone with my son, we are relaxed and happy. He ended up hitting my dog on the head with a broom for eating a loaf of bread off the counter.

 

Quoting mamavalor:

I think the anger may come from the stress of being the provider of the family, the constant worrying, the need to be able to make enough money to keep his family alive, and all the other stuff a dad/husband needs to do.  Having a wife and kids ain't cheap.  It's very draining.

I figured this out from living in a house with such a dad.  Now that he's retired and all of us are grown up and out of the house, he has relaxed A LOT, almost like a new person.  Almost.  He still has his moments.

 

 


 

02nana07
by Ida on Apr. 27, 2013 at 4:44 PM

 I couldn't deal with that he should have said I need your # to add you to the insurance and there wouldn't have been a problem.  He probably thought he had done something wrong and wanted to know what it was I don't blame your son for asking why

DJsmommy01
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 5:41 PM
I don't care how worried or stressed out your Husband is he has no right to abuse you or your children. Its not your fault or theirs witch I'm sure you've told them. I wish you luck on the long road ahead. It will be a long stressful & scary road but at the end of it you will be happy& so will your kids. Wishing you nothing but the best Keep us posted. *hugs*
soliderwife
by Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 8:35 PM

 Wow did your story bring back memories,, my ex was just like that .Thought he was perfect and everyone else was  crazy..I lives like that for 30 years  .its no life for u or ur kids,,My divorce was best thing i ever did,,

gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 9:13 PM


Quoting daisykat:

If I left, it would rock his world.
Who cares? It would improve YOUR life. Quite possibly SAVE it.
I've been with him and tolerated this for so long. My dad is the same way. He calls himself "Master of the household."
So you grew up in this. And your kids will learn to accept the same rotten relationship unless you LEAVE.
Once, when I got into a fight with him, he told me I could leave, because he wasn't going anywhere. He said, "This is MY house, MY car and MY stuff. I EARNED it," and he meant it.
HA! The law will have a thing or three to say about that.
The other night we were talking about a celebrity divorce and the outrageous child support payments, and he said, "Eight hundred dollars for two kids is more than enough. Too much, actually." We have two sons, and with his pay that would be how much I'd probably get. I was stunned. I said, "How did you come up with that number?" He hesitated and said, "It was just a number I made up." Mmmmmmkay, whatever.
He'd be in for a shock.
He's told me several times that he's 50 and he has nothing to show for his life and hard work.
He's still breathing. That's all anyone NEEDS.
I would love for him to have a motorcycle, a boat, a new truck, but it's not in the budget right now. I wonder, if he had those things, would he be satisfied?
Nope. Tell you something. My husband got his dream car a few years ago. And it turned out to be nothing but a headache. We got rid of the Stupid Mercedes and he said, "Having it wasn't all that great." He also had a motorcycle, which nearly got him killed. And he had a boat once too. Got rid of it because it too was a headache (the happiest day of a boat owner's life is the day you buy it and the day you sell it).
THINGS have never made him as happy as he thought he'd be. His family is what makes him happy..
Would his temper ease up? And until he gets them, I'll never have any way of knowing.
I already know. THINGS will not change him. NOTHING material can change him. EVER.


gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 9:14 PM


Quoting daisykat:

HELL no. I just got home from work about 15 minutes ago and I walked into the living room, and the dog got excited and knocked the remote off the couch armrest. Hubby's show stopped and he had to find the place in the movie where it left off. He yelled at the dog, calling her a f'ing g-damm
son of a bitch. Like 20 times. He overreacts to everything. I'm tired and I don't want to sleep in the same bed with him. But really, do you think if he had more money he'd settle down and be happy?

No. Money is NOT his problem. He could have every last bill in the US Mint and he will NEVER be happpy.

daisykat
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 1:35 AM
I have another question for you ladies- When I get my paycheck, it has to be deposited into HIS account. My paychecks are substantially less than his, but I'm going to be getting a significant promotion in the coming weeks. How do you handle money in your households? Separate accounts? Or the same? I'm tired of having to ask for permission to pull money out and when I do ask, it's met with an eye roll and a weary sigh. Then I have to justify what it's for, then withstand a lecture on how we don't have much money. Like it's my fault there's an electric bill. Does anybody else have this song and dance, or have you? Who controls the money?
TabM
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 2:15 AM
1 mom liked this

I would sit down and have a talk with him about it sometime when it's not happening. Ask him if he would be happy to learn that that is the way that his son one day talks to his wife and children and if you have a daughter, if that's how he wants his daughter to be spoken to by her husband. Remind him that he not just the authority figure in his kids lives but a role model as well. He is teaching his son how a man is supposed to act by his actions and how he is one day supposed to treat his wife and the same for a daughter, he is teaching her how she should expect to be treated. Maybe it will help him see it from a different perspective......Honestly though it sounds like a long running pattern and the best way to change it would be through anger managment but that may open the door to asking him to get help.

And then if not, you also have to consider the long term effect his anger is having on your children and also the example that you are setting by accepting it. The cycle will be much harder to break if it is accepted as normal.

christina259
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 3:06 AM

 

Quoting gdiamante:

 

Quoting daisykat:

Quoting boys2men2soon:

Oh yeah. I would have a BIG problem with that.    Nobody speaks to me or my kids like that.   My Dh curses, but he doesn't yell.

I would turn the table on him.... walk into the room and say "Let me have your wallet".  If he asks why, react in the same way he did with your son.   Yell, scream, curse...but do not answer the question.   It may give him food for thought?   

Perhaps you should video tape or record him having his little tantrums.   He may be quite surprised to actually witness how ignorant he sounds.


The recording thing is a brilliant idea. I suspect I know just how he'll react, though. I did this once a few years ago when he left me a pissed off voice mail. I played it back on speaker phone so he could hear. He was like, "yeah? You know, you get mad to." And then I get the silent treatment and the death stare for the rest of the day. The other thing that drives me insane is that he talks to himself. I'll be 12 feet away in the kitchen and he'll be sitting on the couch with the tv on, muttering to himself in an angry manner. I'll interrupt and say, "Who's the mental recipient of THAT lecture?" He'll just say, "whatever," and then 2 minutes later he's doing it again.

This convinces me even more there's a mental health issue going on here.

 Sounds like he has a lot of pent up anger over something. I catch myself talking to myself (griping away) when my dh has ticked me off. I'm not typically an angry person but my dh sometimes seems to have anger issues to and I let his anger get me angry. When you mentioned he mutters to himself it just reminded me that I do that when I boiling over with anger or I'm overly worried about an issue in my life. I don't even realize I'm doing it untill my dh or one of the kids say "what are you talking about?" ..Its embarassing,lol. A lot of the time, the very ones who need the help deny that they do and men are famous for denying there true emotions or simply not recognizing them for what they truly are and then it comes out as anger. I wonder why he was so strongly affected by ds asking that? its as if he fears disrespect and overreacts to things that aren't really disrespect. I'm wondering if that fear comes from feeling disrespected or undervalued elsewhere in his life (not you, maybe work?) or in his past. Behind anger is usually fear, pain or frustration of some sort. that is if its not caused from some other health issue. The hard part is getting the one who actually needs the help to come out of his denial. Sometimes it takes something happening that makes them realize thier anger isn't working for them anymore and is causing major problems in his life. I'm not sure if I'm right about this or not  but just things I've come to realize myself while dealing with a similar situation as yours. {{{hugs}}}. Dealt with an angry man myself so i feel ya.

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