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My dd is 14. Her dad and I are divorced. We don't exactly like each other but get along enough for her.

I have been dealing with her acting out, cutting school, skipping classes, backtalking, hateful hateful attitude, for years now. He doesn't help at all in regards to it. Weekends with dad are all about fun....

He is also years behind in child support, an ex-con, and a waste of space. But it's her dad so she gets to see him on weekends, mostly every other but sometimes in a row.

Now she has been on this kick for weeks about living with him. I am at my wits end after talking to her dean today because she was skipping class again, and hiding in the girls bathroom, and is all emotional just wanting to leave and go live at her dads. I am about to make it happen. I let her go home for the day, what choice did I really have? Even the dean was wanting me to say it was ok. I have two smaller kids to take care of, and it's hard with all of the yelling and screaming with her. I am tempted to just let her go....

Does that make me a bad mom???? I am so upset about all of this but I don't know what to do anymore. I have a 5 year old she just yells at, treats like crap, is just cruel to. Never wants to have anything to do with her. I also have a baby boy so he has to listen to all of this.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH I just want to scream.

Any advice?

And she used to be in counseling, back when she was 8 - it has been going on this long. And that needless to say was useless.

by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:33 AM
Replies (11-20):
App123
by Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 4:18 PM

You didn't mention what the environment is like at Dad's house.  Is he a good father, have a job, going to make her dinner, help with homework, set up boundaries and rules to follow or are you letting her go to a dysfunctional household?  The answer to those questions and ones like it would influence my decision and should influence yours also.

mommersx4
by Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 7:59 PM

Let her go and enjoy your little ones. She has 2 parents, so let him try it for a while. Don't feel guilty. You may have a better relationship with her in the long run. Just keep in close touch. You have her week ends for the fun times. Good luck.

Talienas
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 8:39 PM
No I've said how he is as a person. He isn't responsible , he's unemployed, always unemployed. As soon as child support letters come he quits any job he finds. Excon on a resume doesn't help. His wife has a 16 yo daughter who is having a baby shower tomorrow..... the list of failures goes on.


Quoting App123:

You didn't mention what the environment is like at Dad's house.  Is he a good father, have a job, going to make her dinner, help with homework, set up boundaries and rules to follow or are you letting her go to a dysfunctional household?  The answer to those questions and ones like it would influence my decision and should influence yours also.


Madisonjosmom
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 8:55 PM


Agreed!

Quoting Decemberlov:

Agreed!

Quoting DropZoneMom:

Let her go live with her dad -- yes, I'm serious.  Tell her you know how unhappy she is with you & all your rules, but that she can always come back.   Then let her father try actually parenting (for once) -- they'll both learn that living together full time is a hell of a lot of WORK, and not nearly as 'fun' as your daughter thinks it's going to be.   If she flunks school this year -- well, she'll just have to make it up in summer school, or by repeating the whole year.     They're called 'consequences' -- and I have the feeling your daughter hasn't had many in her life.




Talienas
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 10:31 PM
First, my daughter has had many consequences. Second, I believe in rules. Third, as someone stated I'm not the only parent so yes it's time he manned up so yes she is now with her dad. I'll have her on the weekend in two weeks. Hopefully it will be a nice calm mothers day.
boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:33 PM


Quoting Talienas:

No I've said how he is as a person. He isn't responsible , he's unemployed, always unemployed. As soon as child support letters come he quits any job he finds. Excon on a resume doesn't help. His wife has a 16 yo daughter who is having a baby shower tomorrow..... the list of failures goes on.


Quoting App123:

You didn't mention what the environment is like at Dad's house.  Is he a good father, have a job, going to make her dinner, help with homework, set up boundaries and rules to follow or are you letting her go to a dysfunctional household?  The answer to those questions and ones like it would influence my decision and should influence yours also.


Considering his lifestyle, I would not allow her to go.    She is at an extremely influential age, and living in a household with no work ethic, or moral obligation to even pay child support for her....   it sounds like a disaster.




daisykat
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:51 PM
Could you perhaps give it a 3 month trial? After that time, evaluate how she's doing. If she's slipped significantly downhill, drag her butt back home. If she's maintaining well, then there you go. Let her stay. Try to keep close tabs on her. Call the school, see if she's continuing to skip. Check out her facebook page and see what she's posting. Call there and talk to everyone in that household to see how she's doing; trust your instincts if something seems fishy. This doesn't have to be a permanent living situation if her behavior doesn't improve.
Talienas
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 12:37 AM
She is 14, she is not allowed facebook. I even have locks on her cell that prevent picture messages and internet access without authorization. There's4 weeks left to school before summer break but I'm sure they will barely make a month.


Quoting daisykat:

Could you perhaps give it a 3 month trial? After that time, evaluate how she's doing. If she's slipped significantly downhill, drag her butt back home. If she's maintaining well, then there you go. Let her stay. Try to keep close tabs on her. Call the school, see if she's continuing to skip. Check out her facebook page and see what she's posting. Call there and talk to everyone in that household to see how she's doing; trust your instincts if something seems fishy. This doesn't have to be a permanent living situation if her behavior doesn't improve.

daisykat
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 4:13 PM
Quoting Talienas:



You're kind of screwed here, aren't you? And I don't mean that in a smart-aleck way. You really do have your back up against the wall. Good for you about the facebook thing- I know a lot of kids who are WAY too young to have an account but do. I get the feeling if she goes there, since it's over the summer, it will be the summer of do-whatever-I-want-because-there's-limited-supervision. Dad's house will seem like a paradise, but it's not in her best interests. You do have to think about your little ones, too. They need more protecting than she does, and if she's a menace to them, maybe she should leave. Damn! Usually my opinionated, big mouth always has an answer for stuff, but this is tough. I think I would be leaning toward letting her go, but keeping as close of tabs on her as possible. Make dad and stepmom understand that they MUST and WILL call you should any situations arise concerning her. Good luck, mama. You understand better than any of us the situation at hand and I'm sure you'll make the right call.
mattsmom14
by Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 7:31 PM
Sounds like she has a case of the "grass is greener" syndrome. Usually the best cure for that is the let her go and see what the reality looks like. Let her make that choice to go find out for herself. Then she can't keep blaming you. Sounds like her dad needs to step up to the plate anyway. Let him get a taste of how hard it is, and how expensive it gets. Maybe it will open his eyes to what you have been dealing with all these years.
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