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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

My dd is 14. Her dad and I are divorced. We don't exactly like each other but get along enough for her.

I have been dealing with her acting out, cutting school, skipping classes, backtalking, hateful hateful attitude, for years now. He doesn't help at all in regards to it. Weekends with dad are all about fun....

He is also years behind in child support, an ex-con, and a waste of space. But it's her dad so she gets to see him on weekends, mostly every other but sometimes in a row.

Now she has been on this kick for weeks about living with him. I am at my wits end after talking to her dean today because she was skipping class again, and hiding in the girls bathroom, and is all emotional just wanting to leave and go live at her dads. I am about to make it happen. I let her go home for the day, what choice did I really have? Even the dean was wanting me to say it was ok. I have two smaller kids to take care of, and it's hard with all of the yelling and screaming with her. I am tempted to just let her go....

Does that make me a bad mom???? I am so upset about all of this but I don't know what to do anymore. I have a 5 year old she just yells at, treats like crap, is just cruel to. Never wants to have anything to do with her. I also have a baby boy so he has to listen to all of this.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH I just want to scream.

Any advice?

And she used to be in counseling, back when she was 8 - it has been going on this long. And that needless to say was useless.

by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:33 AM
Replies (21-28):
balagan_imma
by Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 7:45 PM

Think about the phrase "love me when I am the least loveable." The girl needs and is craving attention. You have 2 young children, who presumably have a loving father. They are cute and need your attention. Plus I'm guessing their father is there and active.

Then there is her piece of work father and his SDD who is getting all of this attention, even though it isn't necessarily positive to be pregnant at 16.

She wants and needs your attention and love. She is acting out because it gets your attention, it's not positive attention, but it's attention none the less. Her wanting to live with her father is lashing out and trying to get you to notice her. Don't send her away, it will make her think that she is right and you don't reallly love her.

Family counseling, for at least the 2 of you and maybe her on her own to help her sort out her feelings. She doesn't get a choice. You are the parent.

nsparky1964
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 7:51 PM
If she really thinks the grass is greener let her go...with the understanding that you aren't going to be doing this bouncing back and forth think...my ydd then 15 wanted to pull that crap until she realized if she moved out, she wasn't coming home....
Talienas
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 8:04 PM
I made it clear that I wasn't letting her go because I wanted her gone, and that my door is always open. But once she comes back, she can't go again. The door isn't revolving but it would never be shut.
Talienas
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 8:09 PM
Today I was cleaning up and found song lyrics she printed from a school computer that were extremely lude, vulgar, just disgusting. I sent pic messages to her dad who gave no reaction other than to let her call me bitching that I was in her room.... I'm screwed. I've obviously made a huge mistake letting her go but I do have to think about everyone.
I'm going to hope time is on my side and try not to immerse myself in fear that she isn't being supervised. Wish me luck


Quoting daisykat:

Quoting Talienas:




You're kind of screwed here, aren't you? And I don't mean that in a smart-aleck way. You really do have your back up against the wall. Good for you about the facebook thing- I know a lot of kids who are WAY too young to have an account but do. I get the feeling if she goes there, since it's over the summer, it will be the summer of do-whatever-I-want-because-there's-limited-supervision. Dad's house will seem like a paradise, but it's not in her best interests. You do have to think about your little ones, too. They need more protecting than she does, and if she's a menace to them, maybe she should leave. Damn! Usually my opinionated, big mouth always has an answer for stuff, but this is tough. I think I would be leaning toward letting her go, but keeping as close of tabs on her as possible. Make dad and stepmom understand that they MUST and WILL call you should any situations arise concerning her. Good luck, mama. You understand better than any of us the situation at hand and I'm sure you'll make the right call.

MamaSnaps
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 9:35 PM

I don't think you'd be doing her any favors by letting her go. Kinda seems like you are bailing as things get tough. 

Sounds more like FAMILY counseling is more in order than only her. She didn't create the monster that she is, her parents did. Now it's time to learn how to do things differently so you can create something different in her. 

Corinnesingh
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 10:31 PM

Well maybe I can help, idk u tell me... My dghtr was 13 when she decided she wanted to live with her dad.....

now let me add in that my husband has raised her since she was 3. Her father never gave a dime in child support,nor did I ask anymore after 3 yrs. he was a complete dead beat... She wanted to leave because I didn't let her do things other kids her age here do.. Walk the streets at night, have a bf, so on.... So eventually I let her go because she acted about so badly I didn't know how to handle it any more. After a year and a half she wanted to come back , we let her and 3 months after that she wanted to leave because she came home with hickeys on her neck and I wld not tolerate it.. So guess what she did. She moved back to her dads. Well now she no longer has a choice. She has to stay there as long as she is in no danger she gets no choice now. It isn't fair to her brother or either family taht she does what she wants when shww wants. I love her to pieces. But I can't give in where she wants me to. ... I don't know what to tell u to do, I just wanted to let u know u r not alone. It isn't an easy decision, but which ever one u make,stand firm.... I hope it all works out

daisykat
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 12:38 PM
Quoting Talienas:



Wait a minute- her dad didn't have your back 100% on this one? WTF??? So he just puts her on the phone? Oh no, uh-uh. I don't think so. Explain to her that until she's 18, you own the air she breathes. And what were you to do, put police tape across the door and declare the room off limits until SHE graces your home with her presence? That is YOUR house, therefore it is YOUR room, and you are ALLOWING her to use it. You will tear that room apart inch by inch if your heart so desires. Dad is clearly a piece of shit. You might as well be dealing with a mannequin.

Look, you made a judgment call, you did what was right for your younger children. If this nonsense continues, haul her little ass back home and give that man the lecture you've always wanted to. It's early in the game; don't declare this a disaster just yet. Hang tough.
Talienas
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 1:04 PM
Thank you! I pretty much told her that it's my house, she doesn't pay rent therefore zero privacy is allowed. I'm talking time out next weekend to go thru her things with a comb lol. She comes to "visit" mothers day weekend and I'm giving it a few days before I call her back.


Quoting daisykat:

Quoting Talienas:




Wait a minute- her dad didn't have your back 100% on this one? WTF??? So he just puts her on the phone? Oh no, uh-uh. I don't think so. Explain to her that until she's 18, you own the air she breathes. And what were you to do, put police tape across the door and declare the room off limits until SHE graces your home with her presence? That is YOUR house, therefore it is YOUR room, and you are ALLOWING her to use it. You will tear that room apart inch by inch if your heart so desires. Dad is clearly a piece of shit. You might as well be dealing with a mannequin.



Look, you made a judgment call, you did what was right for your younger children. If this nonsense continues, haul her little ass back home and give that man the lecture you've always wanted to. It's early in the game; don't declare this a disaster just yet. Hang tough.


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