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What do I do now? this is long, sorry

Posted by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 8:27 AM
  • 11 Replies
So I've been married to my dh for going on 19yrs. It has had its ups and downs for sure. I don't think neither of us has been happy in our marriage for awhile now, but we do love each other and we have a child together. My husband has anger issues, plus he suffers from depression he won't admit to. Because of his depression, he seeks to try to make himself feel better by belittling me, criticizing everything I do and basically just controlling me. I just graduated college earlier this month and just have to pass my 3 boards in order to be a registered respiratory therapist. I pretty much knew in my heart that I wanted to find a job, then leave my dh...but there is a part of me that was hoping that maybe we could work things out. Well now it looks like he is cheating on me, and I don't know what to do. He has been coming home late EVERY night for the last 2 weeks, saying he has to "work late" or that he "stopped for a couple of beers". We were at dinner a couple of nights ago, and was smiling as he was reading and responding to a text. When I checked his phone later that night, he had deleted those texts, because the last text on his phone was from me from earlier in the evening. He told me he was pretty much working this whole weekend, and he was texting someone again last night, and when I checked his phone this morning, he has installed a swipe password code on his phone. We have had cell phones for almost 15 yrs, and he has never locked his phone before. My question is: What do I do about this? Should I confront him? Should I just go about my business and leave once I get a job, like I planned? I honestly don't want him touching me if he's sleeping with someone else, so I'm not sure how to deal with that either. I just feel so hurt, confused, angry and tired.
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 8:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
proudmother5946
by Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 3:29 PM
4 moms liked this
Well, isn't he just the "textbook" cheater. Nothing original there.
Check the phone bill, you'll see the same number popping up. That's how my sil caught her ex. With a woman he worked with.
You're right about the belittling. That's how he justifies to himself what he's doing. He has to make it out that you're the problem. Get tested. Don't be intimate. You don't know where he's been, and you definitely don't know where she's been.
Before you make any decisions, get a free consult with a lawyer. They'll tell what you need to know and do and what to expect.
Congrats on graduating. Take your boards and get a good job. You deserve to be treated better then how he's treating you.



lazyd
by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 11:39 PM

If you have the space i would start sleeping in another bedroom.  He'll get the hint.  Also, do check phone records.  Finish your boards, get a good job and eventually leave, once you've saved up some money.  I would continue with what makes you happy.  Get a job and leave.  

daisykat
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 12:27 AM
He's probably lying to you about where he's been, so now tell HIM a little white lie. Tell him you're coming down with a cold, or you have a yeast infection, your period, insomnia because he snores, SOMETHING to sleep in another bed or on the couch. Like lazyd said, have a free consultation with a lawyer. Do you have any money at all? You could hire a private eye to get proof of him cheating so you know for sure, and it can be used in a divorce proceeding. You leave him? hahahahahaha I don't think so. Wait until he leaves to "work late" and then pack a couple of bags for him, and change the locks, have someone help you so it gets done quickly. He can go live with his mistress.

Look, I'm in a similar situation. I have a post right now that might be listed on the side called "would this make you furious" and it's about me potentially leaving my spouse. He's not cheating, but there are other issues. Check out the ladies posts over there, and some of their advice to me would be helpful for you as well. And yes, his criticisms of you are to justify to himself his cheating, if that's what's going on.

Congrats on your new education and future new job. New career, new living arrangement, new life. It's going to be hell for awhile but nothing ever changes without pain. When you come out the other side you'll be shocked with yourself as to how you tolerated him for so long. Listen to me, I give advice to everyone but I can't seem to do the same things for myself. But hang in there, mama. Message me if you want to chat about our mutual marital headaches. *HUGS*
proudmother5946
by Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 4:08 AM
You need to make copies of any financial papers, taxes, credit cards etc. If he's on one of your credit cards, remove him. You don't want him running up bills in your name. Do you have a job now? If so, have your paychecks direct deposited into your own separate account. My ex wNted complete control over my paychecks. He'd give me $5 for gas, $5 for laundry. If I didn't have enough it was my fault. Then he took me off the joint account because "I couldn't be trusted". Then he wanted me to direct my paychecks into his account. I gleefully told him I couldn't because I wasn't on it. Lol.
My sil found out that her ex had a "4 year plan". He was waiting till his son turned 18 so he could get rid of him, take sil for everything he could, make her lose her house, etc. He told his friend who told her. She kept everything because she pissed him off, he got mad and signed the divorce papers taking only what was his personal property.
You have to be proactive now and protect yourself financially and physically. My sil was a mess while all this was going on. She found a tough lawyer who helped her through it. She's doing great now. I left my daughter's dad too about a year later. Her ex and mine are brothers. Her ex blames me for their divorce and mine blames her. Go figure,
suesues
by Silver Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 7:39 AM

get a job start saving and keep records and bills (if he makes purchase or hotel room) if he cheating you will need evidence be smart get legal advise before u do anything. But dont let him off the hook keep questioning him and snooping

CTBmom
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 7:59 AM
Unfortunately, the phones are in his name, and I don't have access to the account... but there are other ways I can get proof. Last night he said, "you know neither of us have been happy for a while." I asked him if there was someone else and he responded with "no, not really. " It was late, and I was tired so it didn't sink in.... this morning I'm like "What the hell does that mean? " I definitely do need to set up a free consult with a lawyer. Thanks for the advice.


Quoting proudmother5946:

Well, isn't he just the "textbook" cheater. Nothing original there.

Check the phone bill, you'll see the same number popping up. That's how my sil caught her ex. With a woman he worked with.

You're right about the belittling. That's how he justifies to himself what he's doing. He has to make it out that you're the problem. Get tested. Don't be intimate. You don't know where he's been, and you definitely don't know where she's been.

Before you make any decisions, get a free consult with a lawyer. They'll tell what you need to know and do and what to expect.

Congrats on graduating. Take your boards and get a good job. You deserve to be treated better then how he's treating you.








CTBmom
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 8:07 AM
We don't have another room, because the guest room has been under renovations for 6 yrs (but that's another story). I slept on the couch the night before, but last night, my my ds had 3 friends sleep over, so the couch was unavailable. It was miserable... we have a king size bed, and we were as far apart as possible, and I just laid there with tears quietly rolling down my cheeks unable to sleep. I'm praying I pass all 3 of my boards the first time around and that I find a job quickly.
Thanks for your help :-)

Quoting lazyd:If you have the space i would start sleeping in another bedroom.  He'll get the hint.  Also, do check phone records.  Finish your boards, get a good job and eventually leave, once you've saved up some money.  I would continue with what makes you happy.  Get a job and leave.  
CTBmom
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 8:27 AM
My dh has anger issues too! That story you told about the license, sounds like something that would go down with my dh and ds. My dh has a green comb, and ds had a habit of borrowing it and not returning it, even though his dad had told him to stop touching it. One morning my dh goes to comb his hair and the comb was not there....he went CRAZY! He started screaming "f#$ k! Really?! I f#@king told that little sh#t to leave my damn f#@king comb alone! I'm going to beat his @ss!!" It was 6am and he's screaming at the top of his lungs, face all red and spit flying out of his mouth. I mean, I can understand him being annoyed, but he looked like he was about to have a stroke! He over reacts to situations all the time, but blames it on everyone around him for "being idiots". You are definitely right about him needing to be the one to go. Thanks!


Quoting daisykat:

He's probably lying to you about where he's been, so now tell HIM a little white lie. Tell him you're coming down with a cold, or you have a yeast infection, your period, insomnia because he snores, SOMETHING to sleep in another bed or on the couch. Like lazyd said, have a free consultation with a lawyer. Do you have any money at all? You could hire a private eye to get proof of him cheating so you know for sure, and it can be used in a divorce proceeding. You leave him? hahahahahaha I don't think so. Wait until he leaves to "work late" and then pack a couple of bags for him, and change the locks, have someone help you so it gets done quickly. He can go live with his mistress.



Look, I'm in a similar situation. I have a post right now that might be listed on the side called "would this make you furious" and it's about me potentially leaving my spouse. He's not cheating, but there are other issues. Check out the ladies posts over there, and some of their advice to me would be helpful for you as well. And yes, his criticisms of you are to justify to himself his cheating, if that's what's going on.



Congrats on your new education and future new job. New career, new living arrangement, new life. It's going to be hell for awhile but nothing ever changes without pain. When you come out the other side you'll be shocked with yourself as to how you tolerated him for so long. Listen to me, I give advice to everyone but I can't seem to do the same things for myself. But hang in there, mama. Message me if you want to chat about our mutual marital headaches. *HUGS*

daisykat
by on Apr. 28, 2013 at 1:01 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting CTBmom:



OMG!!! My husband has a large black comb in the bathroom. If my older son uses it and it disappears, I hear, "Where is my COMB???" In a very weary, loud voice. Then I hear, "Can't I even have a goddamm COMB to myself? Jesus F'ing Christ, how the f*** does my Comb go lost every G'damn day? (even though it doesn't) Do I have to start HIDING my G'damn combs?" and it will go on, and on, and on....

Some of the behavior amongst abusers is universal. And apparently one of the universal signs is comb ownership sensitivity. Or COS for short hahaha
proudmother5946
by Member on Apr. 28, 2013 at 1:28 PM
Socks. For my ex it was socks. He'd actually write his initial on the toe of his socks. Then do the same to my son. So stupid. He'd blow up at the least little thing too. My son was just standing in the kitchen, ex was about three feet away. He jumped up
And started screaming in my son's face. My son wasn't doing or saying anything! I had to get between them. My son moved out as fast as he could. Now my ex acts like he was the best stepdad. My don hates him with a passion and doesn't even want to hear his name.
I had to sleep in the same bed for a year. He wouldn't touch me. He said "there's nothing in the bedroom that interests him". Nothing in there had interested me in year either. J was just biding time, making my plans to leave. Then he told me that he wasn't happy. That we could do this one of two ways. If I threw a fit, I had three days to get out. If I was calm I had until June first. Mind you he had already sold "my" car. I was driving his new truck which he referred to as "my" truck. I had slready lined up an apartment across the street from my dd's school and was car shopping. With my secret inheritance money that he knew nothing about.



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