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Friends and their influence

Posted by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 11:35 AM
  • 11 Replies

My 14 yo daughter has a friend who I do not want her hanging out with as much.  It has been relatively easy during the school year as they do not have classes together.  I think the summer may be a problem.  This other girl doesn't seem to have consistent rules (divorced parents) and does not seem to be held accountable for actions.  She is very mouthy and I can tell when my daughter has been hanging around her.  She also tells my daughter that we are bad parents because we won't let her dye her hair (last time I saw this friend her hair was orange), won't let her wear all-black every day, won't let her wear a hat most of the time, won't let her have a friend over un-supervised, won't let her sleep over during the week, make her go to church (her Mom is now married to an Indian and is considering converting to Hinduism).  The list goes on.  This girl is very "dark" and this year does not seem to have any outside interests, she no longer plays sports and has dropped out of band.  She is also dating a high school boy (they are in 8th grade).  I know that she has already lied to her parents about where she was and has been kicked out of a store for shoplifting.

We had a talk about different families having different rules, but I don't know if that really sunk in. I know they were fighting for a while (not sure why) and I could see the difference in my daughter's personality. I know I can't choose my daughter's friends, but need some advice on how to minimize their interaction without telling her they can't hang out together at all.


by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 11:35 AM
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by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 12:56 PM
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I've always had one rule for my children with their friends. 

You can hang around whoever you choose, but you know how to act. If at any time I see that your friends are rubbing off on you, that privilege will be revoked. I've never had to revoke that privilege. However, if I notice that one of their friends is one of the unsavory types (which seems to be most kids today) then I make sure they only hang out at my house, under my supervision, that way I know there won't be any peer pressure involved in trying to make my daughter do something she may not be comfortable with.

but as far as attitude, and behavior, my children know what I do and don't like, and I also make them responsible for their friends under my roof, as in if they see their friends doing or saying something messed up, THEY tell their friend "hey, don't do that in my house."

by Grumpy on Apr. 29, 2013 at 2:55 PM
Good luck with this. My son had a friend that was highly influencial to him. This boy did nothing wrong at home. He was a little prince. His parents treated him like a prince and gave him everything he wanted and lived on his word alone. God forbid if someone said something negative about their son! Well come to find out the boy and my son were friends. Together they cooked up a scheme that if I wouldn't let my son do as he pleased whenever he pleased, he should lie, cheat, and steal to get it. Well he did. And his friend hid the evidence at his house. His parents covered for him, made my son shoulder the entire blame for everything, and they are STILL friends. I don't get it. I made a deal with my son. You can be friends with whoever you want, but I have the final say on who is allowed in my yard, house and car.
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 4:52 PM

If they are bad kids with bad homes, I do not allow my kids to hang together.

by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 5:04 PM

Growing up I didn't always hang out with the best influences but I knew that if I made a bad choice I was the one who was going to pay for it. My mom would always tell me "just because your friends are STUPID doesn't mean you have to be!" I think the best you can do is explain to your child why you have the concerns about this friend. Also make sure she knows that every decision SHE makes has a consequence both good and bad. SHE is the one who will have to live with those consequences not her friends. Explain to her that you trust her to make the right choices because you raised her to be an honest, caring, trust worthy young lady who you know naturally wants to be successful in life. This way you are hopefully making it HER choice to have better friends.

by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 5:07 PM

 This is good in theary but when you look at reality, good kids come from bad homes and bad kids come from good homes all the time. So IMO this logic is a little flawed.

Quoting PurpleHazey:

If they are bad kids with bad homes, I do not allow my kids to hang together.


by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 5:08 PM
You can definitely keep talking to her and sharing your thoughts, there are other people who could be your daughter's friend, just not this, good luck in helping her end this friendship.
by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 7:31 PM

The only person responsible for their actions is my children. No one else. Honestly, she sounds like kids everywhere, in her eyes you are bad parents cause she are so strict. That doesn't mean she's wrong, she see's it that way cause she has more freedom. Raise your DD, raise her right, and she will be fine. You can't keep people away forever that have a less then stellar attitude. Right now is the perfect time to help her wade those waters. Once she's out of the have no control.

by Kimberly on Apr. 29, 2013 at 7:53 PM

Your DD will have lots of influences throughout her life.   It is up to her to choose her path.  Hold her accountable for her actions, set clear boundaries and rules and keep communication open and she will be just fine.    She confided in you when she told you her friend called you a bad parent, right?  That's something.   Also, don't hesitate to talk to your DD about your concerns.   Let her know you have reservations about this particular friend, tell her why.    There is nothing wrong with giving your DD a little food for thought.

by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 8:49 PM

I never forbade my kids from seeing a friend.  But when there was a child whose parents were not on the same page as we were, in terms of supervision, etc,  we simply told them the friend could only visit at OUR house.  If the kid didn't like our rules, they stopped coming over.

by on Apr. 29, 2013 at 10:26 PM
Sorry, they can't hang out together at all. If this girl is pulling her down, then you cut the rope. I wouldn't even let her into your house for visits with her. Unfortunately, some people, or kids in this case, are simply too toxic to have around your family. She may kick and scream, cry, plead her case, back sass, or lie, but the answer must remain unwavering. If you catch her lying and hanging out with her, then punish her as you normally would in your household. It's for her own good and she may not understand but in time, the appeal this girl holds for her will fade as she hangs out with more appropriate friends.
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