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Is it OK to not have sympathetic feelings about your child going to jail

Posted by on May. 3, 2013 at 11:57 PM
  • 20 Replies

my 21 year old daughter is going to jail for the next year because of a hit and run DUI. If she had admitted what she did they would have gone easier on her but she refused. She also seems to have a problem drinking responsibly.

the weird this is that I am not able to really feel bad about this, because she has been stubborn throughout all of this and now going to jail is the punishment for what she did and maybe it will be a learning and eye opening experience having to be in that environment and also it will keep her away from alcohol for a year, She also has had everything a young lady could want. A good family life (nobody in her family has drinking problems) and a great education yet she is throwing it away. And she also set a poor example for her younger 16 year old sister.


is this too harsh? Am I wrong for saying this?


some people say I am because in jail it is cold and uncomfortable and she could possibly get beaten up and raped. Well the part about being cold and uncomfortable seems kind of expected, but I have a hard time believing she will get raped and beaten since guards should be able to break that stuff up and would those people really want to potentially add more time to their sentence? 


is there anything else I should tell her before she goes? Also, what should I tell my younger 16 year old daughter who is showing concern?

by on May. 3, 2013 at 11:57 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jojo_star
by on May. 4, 2013 at 12:13 AM
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I wouldn't feel bad. I'd feel like I screwed up somehow, at some point, but honestly, she's 21, even if she had the worst parents in the world, that's about 3 years of being an adult and learning to be responsible. So no, I would not feel bad about her going to jail. Actions have consequences, and she has to learn that. Tell her you love her, that you are there for her, you hope it goes well for her, that she learns her lesson, and tell your younger child the truth, that when you break the law, there are serious consequences. 

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on May. 4, 2013 at 1:28 AM
1 mom liked this

 I can understand that you don't feel sorry that she has to take the punishment that they gave her.  I understand that you might be worried about her but you are protecting yourself by keeping the thoughts of justice in your mind right now.  I don't feel the least bit sorry that has punishment that she has to do that might get her straight.

As for your younger child, counseling might help, but explaining to her that her sister did something wrong and now she has to pay the consequences for her actions.  Express that her sister made a choice no matter what you wanted for her and that the best thing to do is listen to the parents and the people who has HER best interest in mind.

bizzeemom2717
by Jen on May. 4, 2013 at 2:05 AM
Are you or the state helping your daughter get any help or treatment for what sounds like a pretty serious alcohol/addiction problem. Even if you think her life has been perfect, there is a reason your daughter is drinking, I hope she gets the help she needs. And yep, I work at an out patient drug and alcohol treatment center so I'm looking at this from a prof standpoint as well as a parent.
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suesues
by Silver Member on May. 4, 2013 at 9:19 AM

tough love but she has to learn and a bad additude in jail will only make it worse guards wont protect her

luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on May. 4, 2013 at 9:52 AM
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I think it's okay to say "You made your bed, now you have to lay in it". 

However, me personally, would be concerned and upset. While I think the punishment fits the crime, that doesn't mean prison is where I want my child. If the sentence doesn't also include some kind of counseling, being in there is going to do nothing but breed further resentment. So you have a young girl going in with problems, and you will most likely see a young girl with anger issue's come out. Prison/jail isn't always the best place, although clearly she needs to be punished for her actions. 

You do ask why the other inmates would do such horrible things, and get more time added to their sentence. The answer is easy...in many cases they have nothing more to loose. They are already there, some for a very long time, they have no chance of getting out. They are angry, and for many woman and men they have lost their ability to empathize with other people. There is also a tier system in prison, the low man on the totem pole is often the most picked on, and the other inmates will do stupid crazy things to get higher on that totem pole. 

I'm not saying this to scare you, but I think your expectations of prison/jail is also not realistic. If your DD is lucky she will go to a jail/prison that is on the tamer side, if not then as a mom I would be scared and worried.

02nana07
by Ida on May. 4, 2013 at 9:58 AM

 I understand not feeling sorry for her as she chose to drink and is in denial.

That said I think she needs rehab rather than jail and it would be safer had she admitted she needed help she might have been given this option

PurpleHazey
by on May. 4, 2013 at 10:00 AM
1 mom liked this

She is lucky she didn't get it for attempted murder. Last year a 17 year old was drinking and driving and she hit a tree and her boyfriend died she got 15 years. You just can't drink and drive!

PurpleHazey
by on May. 4, 2013 at 10:01 AM

 


Quoting 02nana07:

 I understand not feeling sorry for her as she chose to drink and is in denial.

That said I think she needs rehab rather than jail and it would be safer had she admitted she needed help she might have been given this option

I agree with rehab instead of jail but the whole issue is there are too many people who don't drive and will pick up someone who has been drinking.

 

WendyMomOf4
by on May. 4, 2013 at 10:22 AM
1 mom liked this

 I wouldn't feel bad about it.  She broke the law and needs to take responsibility for her actions.  And if jail is cold and uncomfortable ..well..DUH!!!  Jail is a punishment.  Not The Ritz.  It should be cold and uncomfortable.   Don't beat yourself up.  As parents, there is only so much we can do.   Loving your child never stops but we can't protect them from themselves.   

bizzeemom2717
by Jen on May. 4, 2013 at 1:18 PM
If the jail doesn't offer rehab while she's in there though, she will come out more likely (even more angry and upset) and do it all over again. A ridiculous system.

Quoting PurpleHazey:

 




Quoting 02nana07:


 I understand not feeling sorry for her as she chose to drink and is in denial.


That said I think she needs rehab rather than jail and it would be safer had she admitted she needed help she might have been given this option


I agree with rehab instead of jail but the whole issue is there are too many people who don't drive and will pick up someone who has been drinking.


 

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