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16 year old pregnant daughter...

Posted by on May. 7, 2013 at 12:49 PM
  • 30 Replies

My 16 year old daughter told me last week that she is pregnant.  I am hoping you guys can give me some advice here...This is probably going to be a long post, hopefully writing will make be feel better.  So.  she called me from school and told me she thought she was pregnant.  Surprisingly, I didn't get crazy...I went and got her and took her to the health department who confirmed she was pregnant.  Her boyfriend is also 16, both very immature 16 year olds.  I asked my daughter what she wanted to do and she said she wasn't ready for a baby. I agree she is not.  So I gave her her options there are 3 and neither of them of great.  The boy told her no abortions no matter what, I told her it is a womans body her choice.  That is the way i have always felt.  I don't want you to think I never talked to her about birthcontrol because I did, over and over and over so it wasn't like she couldn't have come to me and said mom, I think i want to have sex, I need to be on something. This was so preventable.  So my daughter told me she wanted to have an abortion, but Joe (not real name) didn't want her to and if she did he would "break up" with her.  The have only been dating 4 months, I know she thinks I don't know anything, but the chances of him standing my her through this thing is slim...they fight all of the time now.  So I told his parents that she was weighing her options, but in the end it was going to be her decision and I hoped we could all support her.  They all agreed.  When we left the restaurant my  daughter told me she wanted to ge an abortion and was adament about it.  She wasn't ready for a baby...So his mom suggested they go somewhere and talk about it just the two of them, so they did.  They ended baci at Joe's parents house where his parents proceeded to tell her that they didn't want to say it in front of us, but they did not want her to have an abortion.  So lateer that night when she came home and climbed in bed with me, I asked what the had talked about and shse said Joe thinks it would be best if we keep the baby.  Not I think, not we think, but Joe.  I told her it wasn't his decision it was hers.  She went to bed and I cried myself to sleep.  The next day crazy set in...I got a text from Joe saying he had talked to Caitlin and they were keeping it.  So I went to the school and brought my daughter home.  I asked her what had changed her mind and she went into hysterics saying I was pressuring her.  I did not pressure her but I did lay out reality.  We live in a small town with one high school.  My daughter has had issues in school she has no friends so to speak of, because of another stupid thing she did her freshman year (I wont get into that) and she also had something happen to her in middle school that caused her a lot of grief, so she is a little outcast.  But I tell her all the time how strong she is because she loves school despite all of this and she never missed a day.  She holds her head up through the name calling and everything else.  I couldn't have done it, I would have quit school.  but instead she tried out for cheer and has made it last year and is on for next.  This is what I told her she would have to give up:  she would be able to finish out this year, but our school district will not let a student attend school pregnant, she will have to go to an alternative high school, or do it on line.  She will have to give up cheer, she will have to get a pretty much full time job to help take care of the baby.  She is horrible where pain is concerned and the doctors and I cringe when ever she has to have a shot or something minor done, because she goes into hysterics, I don't know what she thinks labor is going to be like?  She will not be able to attend any more school dances and on and on and on.  Then I told her what Joe was going to have to give up.  Not alot- he can still go to school and graduate with his class, he will still get to play football, he will get to go to school and go to all of the school functions that they have, but she won't.  I am a 50 year old mom who is not in great health, I have had a heart attack and bypass surgery, my husband just lost his job in March because he had to have back surgery, our income has drastically reduced a baby will put a big strain on our family also.  I knowit all sounds selfish, but as 16 I do not want her to have a baby.  She is so afraid she is going to lose the boy over this that is the only thing she is worried about, and that comes from immaturity.  Please give my your advice...

by on May. 7, 2013 at 12:49 PM
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by on May. 7, 2013 at 1:55 PM

I am so sorry for your daughter. It sounds like she was bullied into changing her mind. I personally would not have let her go with the boyfriend's family alone. The bf's life won't be effected nearly as much as your daughters. Her entire life is over, at least for the next few years. I don't think her school can kick her out for being pregnant unless it is a private school. I would sit down with her, and tell her that if this idiot can't respect her choice, he isn't worth her time. Chances of him sticking around are slim to none, and then she will be left with custody battles, child support fights, and being a single, poor, most likely uneducated, mother. That is the reality of about 90% of teen moms, and their children have a crappy future to look forward, living off welfare, with low standards set for them, and probably teen parents themselves, as well as high chances of a criminal life for boys of teen mothers. Just be open and honest and frank about what her future will be like. Don't force her into anything, if she actually does want to keep the baby, then support her of course, but if her initial choice was abortion and she only changed her mind after being alone with the bf and his parents, I wouldn't leave it alone until you feel sure she understands what she is getting into, and until you feel like SHE is making the choice, based on what SHE wants. And no, it is not selfish at all to want a good life for your daughter. Tell her she's young, she can have kids in a few years when she can afford them and has lived life, and found a man who truly respects her choices and respects her ability as a woman and an adult to make up her own mind. 

by on May. 7, 2013 at 2:21 PM

I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. I was 18 when I got pregnant and 19 when I had my daughter and that was hard enough, I can't imagine being 16 and going through it, especially with a boyfriend or his family like you've described.

I am very much in favor of a woman being able to choose her own path and it sounds as though she had decided her path and they are the ones that were doing the pressuring and manipulating. That was NOT right for them to do, their son's life changes none really & what changes for them? Nothing really. What are they willing to do? Are they willing to help pay for dr bills for your daughter, the baby? Are they willing to provide things that your daughter and this baby are going to need? Chances are NO they aren't because they know in their hearts that while yes this is their grandchild these kids won't be together forever and they'll be able to turn their backs and walk away from your daughter esentially walking away from this baby as well. They seem very supportive now, but what happens when "Joe" decides that he doesn't want to be a dad and tells them 'I think she was sleeping with someone else, this isn't my baby' or whatever else he may tell them. If your daughter won't be able to continue school in her high school chances of her finishing online while working full time and taking care of a baby are extremely slim. I agree with the other post about laying out the realities of what her life will be like and maybe find some other teen moms if you can that can sit with her and talk with her about the reality of what their life has been like, that may be more helpful than anything. You're doing the right thing by supporting what your daughter wants, and being open with her.

I know from your post the options that she's considering are abortion or keeping it, but what are your family's thoughts or even his family's thoughts on adoption?

Whatever path your daugther decides to take I'm not sure that she's emotionally mature enough to handle any of the consequences of any of the options and I would suggest getting her some counseling to help deal with the emotions that are going to come from any of the decisions. I speak from personal experience that having a baby young is difficult and I went on an emotional roller coaster, but I have also been on the flip side and chose abortion and it's a very emotional decision to make as well and I'm a grown woman in my 30's, I'm not sure how I'd have dealt or not dealt with the emotions as a teenager had I been faced with them.

Hopefully you and your family can work through this without too much more pressure from 'Joe' and his family, I think she needs to distance herself from them. :,(

by Bronze Member on May. 7, 2013 at 2:21 PM
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I'd get a free consult with a lawyer to see if the boy and his parents can "force" her into keeping the baby. I'd think at 16, the decision should rest with what your daughter wants to do. He and his parents probably filled her head with how wonderful it will be, having a grandchild etc. For all you know they could be waiting to swoop in and get custody. They certainly don't want their son to have to pay CS.
Start explaining to her how much things cost. Diapers, formula, daycare. Make it clear that you're not getting up for midnight feedings and taking care of the baby while she goes to school, work, etc. Make sure that the boy knows that he will be responsible for X amount of dollars a month for
CS. Maybe when he realizes that he doesn't just get to pop in once in awhile to pat the baby on the head and take a picture together, that he actually has to give up his time and money, heceont think this is such a great decision.
by Member on May. 7, 2013 at 2:23 PM

Are there any other unwed teen moms where you live that she can go talk to so she can find out how rough life really is?  As part of a sex ed class our County offered 3 pregnant teens/moms came in and told their stories- only 1 of them was still with her boyfriend and she was about to give birth.  It's amazing for other girls to hear their stories and realize it's not so glamorous as it sounds/seems. 

by on May. 7, 2013 at 2:27 PM
Highly recommend making a list of things you'll need for a new baby. Then take her "shopping" and write down the cost of everything. That will open her eyes.
by on May. 7, 2013 at 2:32 PM
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OMG how I wish I could talk to your daughter!!  I was her and I had my son.  My poor son had to go through so much because of his father and I being so young.  I was like your daughter and was outcast and had a lot of emotional problems.  When I had my son all I cared about was still being a teen.  I never thought about the damage my inmaturity could cause another life I brought into this world!!  My son is 17 and I just got him back into my life after him living with my step mom for 6 years because I stayed picking unhealthy relationships and got into drugs and alcohol.   The guilt I felt about all the mistakes I made still haunts me everyday and to be honest kept me out there numbing my feelings!!  Ask her if she honestly feels that she is ready to be a stable, healthy, role model for a child.  Ask her how is she going to afford child care when for an infant is around $250-$350  week.  How will she be able to afford that and go to school?  If she doesn't get her education, she will be lucky to make even that at a job!! Not to mention being able to afford diapers, clothes, medicine, food, etc.  She won't be able to take vacations, get manicures, even afford a hair cut for herself!!  Tell her how it will be embarrassing going to school functions, activities for her child, sports etc because she is going to be so much younger then the other moms.  When she goes to the doctors, the staff there will treat her differently if she gets state health insurance, which is what will probaly happen.  I don't mean to come off rude, or harsh, or anything, but these are some of the things I did not think of that I wish someone would have told me.  I just thought that I was going to be a happy little family, and that now I would have someone to love me unconditionally.  I never thought about how my child would have felt.  I hope this helps!!

by Grumpy on May. 7, 2013 at 2:39 PM

 You know if she doesn't want to have an abortion now because of the pressure the boy is giving her, talk to her about adoption options "if" he grows tired of her or she gets tired of it.

by on May. 7, 2013 at 4:45 PM
I was 16 when I got pregnant. I was pretty mature and luckily had a lot of support from both my family and the fathers. But I remember how scared I was. I didn't want to disappoint my parents, I didn't want my boyfriend to hate me, I had 10 million thoughts running thru my head all at once. She feels like she is being pressured from all sides. Its overwheliming. In this situation, I would agree to keep her away from the father for awhile. Just to let her sort things out but ultimately you have to let her decide. I was lucky because the dad really would have supported me no matter what I decided. It worked out for us. She is 15 now and I never want her to have to go thru that. I hope for her sake and the babies sake that she can work thru her emotions and do what is right for her.
by on May. 7, 2013 at 5:16 PM
Thanks. I am glad so many feel the same way I do.
by on May. 7, 2013 at 5:21 PM

 I would highly suggest taking her to a counselor or other unbiased professional to help her sort out her thoughts and to help her come to her own decision without anyone else's input. 

It is HER decision and she will ultimately be responsible for this child. 

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