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Teen dating...drama?

Posted by on May. 9, 2013 at 11:30 PM
  • 20 Replies
1 mom liked this

It isn't really drama, I just didn't know how else to title this. This isn't a vent post, I'm not asking for advice, though if you have any, please share! This is more of a, I just need to get it out kind of thing, and this isn't something I feel comfortable really sharing with anyone irl yet. 

So, background. My kids are 12, 14, 15, and 16, b,b,g,b. My oldest has been in a relationship with his gf for about a year now, I love her, things are great, they are best friends, and no drama. My 15 year old has zero interest in dating or boys, she is focused solely on school and her other activities. My 14 year old was just like her, or so we thought. Then Monday he came home from school and asked if we would be ok meeting his date. DH and I said sure. It came as a surprise, we had no idea he was interested in dating, but we said sure, we'd love to meet her. Date was coming over to dinner tonight. I cooked, everything was nice, we were all home and prepared to meet his date. I don't know what I was expected, maybe a quiet, mousy, intellectual girl. Maybe a sporty jock type girl. So as you can guess, Brian was a huge surprise. I wasn't sure how to react, and for the first few seconds, I couldn't. I did not expect this AT ALL. I've spent the hours since finding out trying to figure out how I, with the gay best friend, could have missed the signs.

I love my son. His being gay isn't an issue. I'd love him no matter who he loved. But my heart breaks for him. All I kept thinking of during dinner were the many, many nights my gay best friend came to my house in tears, because the kids at school had bullied him yet again, or because he'd been called yet another vicious name. I'm glad that DS felt safe coming to DH and I, and telling us, and I love, I absolutely love, his boyfriend. He's two years older than DS, but seems like an awesome guy, he was very, very polite and well mannered, he seemed smart, he was respectful, and he truly seems to like our son. He is coming over again this weekend, after DH and I have had some time to get over the initial shock of this, so we can get to know him better. 

Ok, I feel a little better now, getting this out there. Thanks for reading and listening to me ladies!

by on May. 9, 2013 at 11:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lazyd
by Bronze Member on May. 10, 2013 at 12:37 AM

Good for your son.  I'm glad he feels comfortable with knowing who he is.  But I dont care if he is gay or not, I don't think a 14yo should be "dating" at all, much less someone who is 16 and maybe more "mature" or "experienced".  Just like all relationships (and this one will be harder cuz your son is gay) I would be very worried if this relationship didnt work out.  Just like your gay friend - I would think "gay" relationships are harder and breaking up harder and more "bullying" - like how your friend was treated.  Does this 16yo have a car?  I dont know what state your in, but in mine its illegal for 16yos to have anyone in the car with them who isnt a family member or an adult.  This might make it harder for your son to go have fun with his boyfriend.    

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2013 at 12:55 AM

good for your son and you. I'm glad he is in a loving, supporting family. But I think that rules need to be set. He needs the same rules you would have for any of your kids at 14. Would your daughter be allowed to date a 16yo at 14? If not - set restrictions. I do however disagree with banning sleepovers for homosexual kids. I view that as really homophobic. My rule is, if you are dating or have feelings towards somebody - no more sleepovers. The only exception I would make is if my kid was gay, the friend was straight and explaining the whole deal with no sleepovers/their feelings for said friend would get them bashed or bullied. My kids know that I'm trusting them to go to someone else's house and that if they do anything that I wouldn't allow them to do or ruin that trust the privelege is yanked out from underneath them.

jojo_star
by on May. 10, 2013 at 1:21 AM

I am very glad as well that he came to us, though a little heads up would have been nice! Normally, I'd agree, however, I know my son. He has almost no friends his age, because he has nothing in common with them, no similar interests, no similar plans. He's ahead both intellectually and in maturity. The few friends he has who are his age are on his team or in his clubs, but even those he doesn't really have much to do with outside of those activities. His friends are all older. Dating we take on a case by case basis with our children, and DS knows that, hence the dinner, meeting the date. If we hadn't liked the kid for whatever reason, that would have been the end of it, but both DH and I agreed that he seems very nice, and we are going to get to know him a bit better. Also, DS will be 15 in a few months. 

He has a motorcycle, and I don't care who you are or how old you are, my child is NOT getting on a motorcycle. My older brother has been driving a motorcycle for over 20 years, and I still won't allow any of my children to ride it. 

Quoting lazyd:

Good for your son.  I'm glad he feels comfortable with knowing who he is.  But I dont care if he is gay or not, I don't think a 14yo should be "dating" at all, much less someone who is 16 and maybe more "mature" or "experienced".  Just like all relationships (and this one will be harder cuz your son is gay) I would be very worried if this relationship didnt work out.  Just like your gay friend - I would think "gay" relationships are harder and breaking up harder and more "bullying" - like how your friend was treated.  Does this 16yo have a car?  I dont know what state your in, but in mine its illegal for 16yos to have anyone in the car with them who isnt a family member or an adult.  This might make it harder for your son to go have fun with his boyfriend.    


jojo_star
by on May. 10, 2013 at 1:24 AM

Oh yes, we do have rules! We take dating on a child by child, date by date basis. If ds were a girl dating a guy, we'd do the same thing, meet the guy, then go from there. As I explained to the PP, my son is ahead of his age group, and I think that is probably part of the reason he has had no interest in boys or girls until this point, and I do mean NO interest at all, because he hadn't met anyone he had much in common with or felt comfortable with. He can have sleepovers if he wants, but he isn't too big on them. My kids have the same understanding, follow the rules and you will be treated like the mature individual you are, break the rules, same thing, you will be treated like the immature child that you are. It's worked out very well with our oldest, so we'll stick with the way we've been doing things. I don't really think we need to change anything just because of the gender of the other person, but we'll see as things progress and I get used to this.

Quoting GleekingOut:

good for your son and you. I'm glad he is in a loving, supporting family. But I think that rules need to be set. He needs the same rules you would have for any of your kids at 14. Would your daughter be allowed to date a 16yo at 14? If not - set restrictions. I do however disagree with banning sleepovers for homosexual kids. I view that as really homophobic. My rule is, if you are dating or have feelings towards somebody - no more sleepovers. The only exception I would make is if my kid was gay, the friend was straight and explaining the whole deal with no sleepovers/their feelings for said friend would get them bashed or bullied. My kids know that I'm trusting them to go to someone else's house and that if they do anything that I wouldn't allow them to do or ruin that trust the privelege is yanked out from underneath them.


Barabell
by Barbara on May. 10, 2013 at 10:09 AM
1 mom liked this

It's terrific that your son was comfortable enough not to hide his boyfriend from you.

Even though your son will face some prejudices from homophobic people, I would say our kids' generation--in general--will hopefully be a lot more accepting than past generations. I'm not sure where you live (since I think some acceptance does depend on the city), but it's been a huge topic of discussion at my son's junior high this past fall because our state was voting to add to the state constitution that the definition of marriage is between a man and a woman. Pretty much ALL the kids wore bracelets that opposed this proposed amendment. (The amendment did not pass, and yesterday our House just voted to legalize gay marriage in our state. I was thrilled when I found that out! I'm hoping it will pass through our state Senate on Monday because then it is sure to be signed into law.)

From what my son has told me, most of the student body at his school view gay rights as a very important topic. I hope that your in a community that will be more supportive of your son than the friends your age experienced, and I'm hoping his journey will not be as hard.

jojo_star
by on May. 10, 2013 at 10:12 AM

That is wonderful, that your son is so involved!! I do think that things are changing, slowly but surely, and we do live in a liberal state and a liberal town, but there are always those few who feel justified in saying something rude or nasty. The school I'm actually not very worried about, not only does he have his older brother and sister, but from what I can tell, the school and attitude is much like you described at your son's school. 

Quoting Barabell:

It's terrific that your son was comfortable enough not to hide his boyfriend from you.

Even though your son will face some prejudices from homophobic people, I would say this generation will hopefully be a lot more accepting than past generations. I'm not sure where you live (since I think some acceptance does depend on the city), but it's been a huge topic of discussion at my son's junior high this past fall because our state was voting to add to the state constitution that the definition of marriage is between a man and a woman. Pretty much ALL the kids wore bracelets that opposed this proposed amendment. From what my son told me, most of the student body viewed gay rights as a very important topic. I hope that your in a community that will be more supportive of your son than the friends your age experienced, and I'm hoping his journey will not be as hard.


Barabell
by Barbara on May. 10, 2013 at 10:21 AM

People will always say negative things to each other. (Just look at some of the groups here on CM...LOL) What's important is if your son has the strength and support to ignore those kinds of ignorant people. From the tone of your post and replies, I think he will get the support he needs. :-)

Quoting jojo_star:

That is wonderful, that your son is so involved!! I do think that things are changing, slowly but surely, and we do live in a liberal state and a liberal town, but there are always those few who feel justified in saying something rude or nasty. The school I'm actually not very worried about, not only does he have his older brother and sister, but from what I can tell, the school and attitude is much like you described at your son's school. 

Quoting Barabell:

It's terrific that your son was comfortable enough not to hide his boyfriend from you.

Even though your son will face some prejudices from homophobic people, I would say this generation will hopefully be a lot more accepting than past generations. I'm not sure where you live (since I think some acceptance does depend on the city), but it's been a huge topic of discussion at my son's junior high this past fall because our state was voting to add to the state constitution that the definition of marriage is between a man and a woman. Pretty much ALL the kids wore bracelets that opposed this proposed amendment. From what my son told me, most of the student body viewed gay rights as a very important topic. I hope that your in a community that will be more supportive of your son than the friends your age experienced, and I'm hoping his journey will not be as hard.



jojo_star
by on May. 10, 2013 at 10:24 AM
2 moms liked this

That is true! He does have his family, his siblings are all fine with it, though just as shocked as we are, which does make me feel a little better that I didn't miss something. He also has my best friends number, the gay guy :) and he is going to call him today after school. They already know each other and are close, but he wants to talk to him about this. I'm glad he has someone experienced with all of this, from dealing with the comments and judgment to the actual relationship part of being gay that he can turn to. And of course DH and I are fully behind him and supportive, as will be the rest of our families...once we tell them.

Quoting Barabell:

People will always say negative things to each other. (Just look at some of the groups here on CM...LOL) What's important is if your son has the strength and support to ignore those kinds of ignorant people. From the tone of your post and replies, I think he will get the support he needs. :-)

Quoting jojo_star:

That is wonderful, that your son is so involved!! I do think that things are changing, slowly but surely, and we do live in a liberal state and a liberal town, but there are always those few who feel justified in saying something rude or nasty. The school I'm actually not very worried about, not only does he have his older brother and sister, but from what I can tell, the school and attitude is much like you described at your son's school. 

Quoting Barabell:

It's terrific that your son was comfortable enough not to hide his boyfriend from you.

Even though your son will face some prejudices from homophobic people, I would say this generation will hopefully be a lot more accepting than past generations. I'm not sure where you live (since I think some acceptance does depend on the city), but it's been a huge topic of discussion at my son's junior high this past fall because our state was voting to add to the state constitution that the definition of marriage is between a man and a woman. Pretty much ALL the kids wore bracelets that opposed this proposed amendment. From what my son told me, most of the student body viewed gay rights as a very important topic. I hope that your in a community that will be more supportive of your son than the friends your age experienced, and I'm hoping his journey will not be as hard.




sahlady
by Gold Member on May. 10, 2013 at 10:57 AM

 I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE that you have the kind of relationship that you do.  The fact that at 14 he feels secure enough at home to bring home a same sex date speaks volumes to your parenting.

the rest will fall in place.

 though I do have the same reservations with the ages.... but that has nothing to do with sexual orientation.  how close to 15 is he, and how close to 15 is his boyfriend?

jojo_star
by on May. 10, 2013 at 11:01 AM

He'll be 15 in August, and the boyfriend turned 16 in February. I do understand the reservation some people might have, but if you'll read my first two replies, I explained it there.

Quoting sahlady:

 I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE that you have the kind of relationship that you do.  The fact that at 14 he feels secure enough at home to bring home a same sex date speaks volumes to your parenting.

the rest will fall in place.

 though I do have the same reservations with the ages.... but that has nothing to do with sexual orientation.  how close to 15 is he, and how close to 15 is his boyfriend?


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