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Door Knocking? Edit 2:

Posted by on May. 10, 2013 at 1:22 AM
  • 154 Replies

So recently my daughter has had to retire to her room to use her laptop as the only chair that does not cause her back agony is in her room. Because my kids are in bed she shuts the door, turns on her light and uses headphones if she needs to listen to anything. Sometimes she shuts her door so she can practice her guitar, practice her singing, etc. She's recently started asking why we cannot knock on her bedroom door before entering. We've told her that it's because A) she get's dressed/undressed in the bathroom so we're not worried about walking in on her changing B) she knows she's not allowed to deal with herself sexually until it's bedtime because the kids will and do go and see her whenever they want and they do not need to see that. We've never caught her doing that, and never had to have a consequence for it thankgoodness - and C) It's our house. We have the right to actually enter that bathroom even when she's showering if we want to. She pays us $100 every 2 weeks. That is nowhere near enough money for us to seriously consider calling it "her" room. My husband thinks that her insistance on us knocking proves that she's up to no good and we need to call her on it. I think she's trying to act like the "boss". So what's your rule? Do you allow your adult/teen children privacy?

Edit: what I'm trying to say is, I'm happy to knock on the door - but I know that if I start knocking, then DD will say that seeing as I'm knocking that she can say no to me entering a room in  MY house. Now does that change some view points/offer a wider birth in advice?

Edit2: Today I had to go into DD's room to help her move around some furniture. The entire time I was in there she refused to leave the room even though DH was trying to get her to help with some stuff. Later on, I asked for her password for her laptop so I could google something and she refused to give it to me; signing on, logging out of all her accounts and standing *right* next to me the entire time I was on her computer. Then after dinner DS asked to use her computer to type something up for school, As she was turning it back on and waiting for it all to load, I heard him ask what a program was on her computer and she told him that he had no right to look at anything on her computer, that it was hers and that if she heard him dobbing on her one more time (he normally shouts out "DD has twitter open. DD is messaging someone" regarding her computer or phone she would delete all his Xbox demos. and she also sat right next to him the entire time he was typing, which was painful because DS is a slow typer. She offered to type it for him so that it was done quicker but he refused. Now she's gone to her room and I've just gone in to check on her and she got cranky that I had opened her door without knocking and she's switched into her PJ's rather early which is unusial for her.

by on May. 10, 2013 at 1:22 AM
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Replies (1-10):
friendlymom5
by Member on May. 10, 2013 at 1:24 AM
2 moms liked this

I always knock.

Retrokitty
by Member on May. 10, 2013 at 1:27 AM
I would always knock. My mom never did and I hated it.
jojo_star
by on May. 10, 2013 at 1:32 AM
2 moms liked this

Yes of course. We always knock, they deserve the same respect as anyone else. If your daughter is paying you, it is her room, otherwise why is she paying you, and how old is she?

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2013 at 1:32 AM


Mine never did either and I hated it too. But on the other hand - I shared a room with at least one of my sisters until I moved out. There was no technology or sexting or any of that stuff. The  only thing we had to hide was our journals. There were no secrets and no bad stuff because we knew our roomate would dob on us. The only bad thing that happened was my sister getting pregnant at 16 and that was apparently my fault for having my DD at 23 - not my sisters fault for wagging school, getting drunk, etc. So I can see DD's point, but I can see how much she has to hide and how much she isolates herself. She's mad because she thinks we give DS more privacy. We don't. DS9 isn't allowed to shut his door - he's allowed to deny you permission to enter (siblings, never me or DH) and I think she's annoyed that she hasn't earnt that respect from them for her to be listened to when she asks them to leave. DD has more privacy because she's allowed to own her own laptop and phone and we feel she is responsible for herself if she does anything wrong. but she can't see the comprises we've made for her.

Quoting Retrokitty:

I would always knock. My mom never did and I hated it.



GleekingOut
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2013 at 1:34 AM


She's 21. She pays us, but if she wants privacy - she needs to act like an adult. She doesn't do much housework, and she isn't working right now, she's studying. I've told her that we can talk about privacy when she can act and have the same responsiblities as us. So either working, or paying a decent amount of money to us.

Quoting jojo_star:

Yes of course. We always knock, they deserve the same respect as anyone else. If your daughter is paying you, it is her room, otherwise why is she paying you, and how old is she?



jojo_star
by on May. 10, 2013 at 1:37 AM
2 moms liked this

It's your house, so your rules, but I find it sad that you base deserving respect off anything but the simple fact that she is an adult. Even children deserve respect and privacy. My children are all under 18, and I both respect them, and their need for privacy. She should be doing more than what you say she is, since she is an adult, but regardless of that, everyone deserves both respect and privacy. Also, your younger children just barging into her room. Are they also allowed to go into your room without knocking? Or get into your older daughter's things? Or yours?

Quoting GleekingOut:


She's 21. She pays us, but if she wants privacy - she needs to act like an adult. She doesn't do much housework, and she isn't working right now, she's studying. I've told her that we can talk about privacy when she can act and have the same responsiblities as us. So either working, or paying a decent amount of money to us.

Quoting jojo_star:

Yes of course. We always knock, they deserve the same respect as anyone else. If your daughter is paying you, it is her room, otherwise why is she paying you, and how old is she?




jojo_star
by on May. 10, 2013 at 1:41 AM

My last comments came off as rude and agressive, that was not how I meant it, and I apologize for that, I'm sleep deprived. I am curious though as to your answers!

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2013 at 1:43 AM


I respect her privacy in the bathroom and the toilet. I physically *can* unlock the door to both those areas if I felt the need to - but I have only ever once used that ability and that was because she had had the tap on for over 20 minutes and wasn't answering my calls. Turns out she had blocked her ear drum and couldn't hear anything. I feel that her bedroom does not have anything in it that requires privacy. She changes in the bathroom, she (assumedly) waits till we've gone to bed to do anything...sexual... during the day I go in there if she's not there to open the blinds and windows, and get the smell of her sweat (she likes to overheat herself at night) out of the room. I don't go through her things, I don't search her room. I just go in there as I see fit. Most of the time when I slam her door open it's because I've called her 20 times and she can't hear me over her headphones or her stero.

As for the children - yes they go into our room whenever they please. They knock if I'm in the bathroom, but otherwise they just come in and start talking. Our house isn't a knocking house, DH and I grew up in houses where nobody knocked, so I don't feel knocking on bedroom doors is a neccessity and that is the way it's always been.

Quoting jojo_star:

It's your house, so your rules, but I find it sad that you base deserving respect off anything but the simple fact that she is an adult. Even children deserve respect and privacy. My children are all under 18, and I both respect them, and their need for privacy. She should be doing more than what you say she is, since she is an adult, but regardless of that, everyone deserves both respect and privacy. Also, your younger children just barging into her room. Are they also allowed to go into your room without knocking? Or get into your older daughter's things? Or yours?

Quoting GleekingOut:


She's 21. She pays us, but if she wants privacy - she needs to act like an adult. She doesn't do much housework, and she isn't working right now, she's studying. I've told her that we can talk about privacy when she can act and have the same responsiblities as us. So either working, or paying a decent amount of money to us.

Quoting jojo_star:

Yes of course. We always knock, they deserve the same respect as anyone else. If your daughter is paying you, it is her room, otherwise why is she paying you, and how old is she?






GleekingOut
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2013 at 1:44 AM
1 mom liked this


I didn't view it as rude or agressive :)

Quoting jojo_star:

My last comments came off as rude and agressive, that was not how I meant it, and I apologize for that, I'm sleep deprived. I am curious though as to your answers!



jojo_star
by on May. 10, 2013 at 1:48 AM

I guess if you grew up that way, I can understand. I just feel like, especially since she is asking for it, that she should be given the courtesy of respect for her own privacy. In my family, doors are usually open to all rooms, if they are close, it means please knock. It's how DH and I were raised. I do go into their rooms, but they know I do, and again, if their door is closed and they are in the room, I'll knock. I do slam into rooms sometimes, for the same reasons you said :) Universal to teenagers, or young adults, I believe!

Same rules as the other rooms go for our bedroom, if the door is closed, knock, if it's open, come on in.

Quoting GleekingOut:


I respect her privacy in the bathroom and the toilet. I physically *can* unlock the door to both those areas if I felt the need to - but I have only ever once used that ability and that was because she had had the tap on for over 20 minutes and wasn't answering my calls. Turns out she had blocked her ear drum and couldn't hear anything. I feel that her bedroom does not have anything in it that requires privacy. She changes in the bathroom, she (assumedly) waits till we've gone to bed to do anything...sexual... during the day I go in there if she's not there to open the blinds and windows, and get the smell of her sweat (she likes to overheat herself at night) out of the room. I don't go through her things, I don't search her room. I just go in there as I see fit. Most of the time when I slam her door open it's because I've called her 20 times and she can't hear me over her headphones or her stero.

As for the children - yes they go into our room whenever they please. They knock if I'm in the bathroom, but otherwise they just come in and start talking. Our house isn't a knocking house, DH and I grew up in houses where nobody knocked, so I don't feel knocking on bedroom doors is a neccessity and that is the way it's always been.

Quoting jojo_star:

It's your house, so your rules, but I find it sad that you base deserving respect off anything but the simple fact that she is an adult. Even children deserve respect and privacy. My children are all under 18, and I both respect them, and their need for privacy. She should be doing more than what you say she is, since she is an adult, but regardless of that, everyone deserves both respect and privacy. Also, your younger children just barging into her room. Are they also allowed to go into your room without knocking? Or get into your older daughter's things? Or yours?

Quoting GleekingOut:


She's 21. She pays us, but if she wants privacy - she needs to act like an adult. She doesn't do much housework, and she isn't working right now, she's studying. I've told her that we can talk about privacy when she can act and have the same responsiblities as us. So either working, or paying a decent amount of money to us.

Quoting jojo_star:

Yes of course. We always knock, they deserve the same respect as anyone else. If your daughter is paying you, it is her room, otherwise why is she paying you, and how old is she?







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