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I am to the point of breaking.......:*(

Posted by on May. 16, 2013 at 11:12 PM
  • 11 Replies

I am a 27 year old mother to 3 boys... 2 are my own (ages 3 and 5) and the other is like my own but is my stepson (age 15).....I have been married for 7 years this June... my husband is wonderful... couldnt ask for a better hubby... but my stepson on the otherhand is more than a hand full. You see we got custody of him when he was 8 years old... (his mom was a druggie and has since lost custody of all her kids) anyway he had come from a home enviroment where there were no rules, no cared about anything he done, no cared about his grades or anything a parent should care about... from the time we got him till about age 12 he was a very polite, very mannerly, well behaved young man... then its like he flipped a switch and became this lying, lazy, mouthy, un greatful little punk and its only gotten worse. My husband and I are well off and we have discovered that we def spoiled him (15 year old) too much because now he dont appreciate ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he wants is always expected....we realize this mistake... but too little too late:( Anyway... my hubby works crazy hours at times 84 hours a week so Im the SAHM and Im the one enforcing all the disipline most of the time... so Im ALWAYS  the bad guy..... I cant even talk to my son with out him getting angry.. I cant ask him how his day was with out having him get upset because I had to ask 3-5 times before he finally takes his headphones out or puts the iphone down.... I try to remind him to do his chores so his daddy wont get onto him and I remind him several times a day about the SAME thing.. and of course he doesnt do them and then when his daddy ask I tell him they werent done and of course its my fault according to my son for not reminding him to do his chores when he gets grounded???? Ugh:( He is constantly coming home and saying "I NEED YOU TOO..." run me here or there or you "HAVE TOO...." go buy me this or that.... he never ask an actually question... and NEVER EVER NEVER says Thank you or please.... and when this is brought up to him he simply says there is no point ... those words are just stupid... he gets mad when we put our cellphones up during dinner time and makes a big deal out of it even though its been a rule for like forever... he is SOOOOO mean to our little ones (ages 3 and 5) to the point that I neither me or my husband would EVER trust him to be alone with them.... and that is just sad:( Oooh and now all of the sudden as of like 3 months ago... he apparently doesnt believe in God and HATES church with a passion... and claims to believe in Gaya or whatever.... he talks about how he hates this kid at school just because he is annoying and that if he were to drive by him and see his car on fire with him stuck inside that he would just pull over and piss on him and say "Haha you F###ing deserve it... and drive away... and I have recently caught him telling my 5 year old (who loves church and is a very sweet little boy who loves everyone) that church is a lie... God isnt real.... and that its stupid to think you should love everyone... you should hate those that get in  your way and blah blah blah.... there is so much more that he does but I would have to write a novel to tell it all...  I dont know what to do... all he does is stay in his room in the dark lying on his bead with headphones in either listening to music, talking to his GF or texting his GF ( his GF is a very good young lady and we like her alot) but since he has gotten with her he has gotten kicked off the track team for skipping meets and practices to be with her and is now decided that he will not be going to 4H camp (he has went every year since 3rd grade and he loves it till this day) because he cant take his cell phone and apparently cant live with out talking to her for 4 days:/  Im glad he is happy with his GF but I think getting kicked off track team and not doing the stuff he enjoys because of her is a bit ridiculous... and I am worried and stressed to my limits... sorry this is so long... 

by on May. 16, 2013 at 11:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ricosbaby26
by on May. 16, 2013 at 11:15 PM

I should also add that.... I feel like a complete failure when it comes to parenting him... Im a loss... we got him at age 8... my husband and I had only been married for 6 months and had just found out we were pregnant.... so I never got a chance to learn how to be a mom...  I just got thrown into it... (I love him like my own but he makes me wanna ring his neck) I feel like I spend so much time arguing with him that by the time I need to do something with my little ones Im so stressed all I wanna do is cry and I feel like they suffer because of my stepson and all that he does.... 

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on May. 16, 2013 at 11:29 PM
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You need to reign him in before it is too late!     Make him work for his priveledges.  If he cops an attitude, take away his precious phone.    Personally, he is very young to be so serious over a girl, skipping meets, not wanting to go to camp.   Perhaps you should not give him the choice, and make him go to camp.      Personally, if either of my sons 'told' me to take them somewhere.....they would not get an answer or a ride.   You are not his personal servant, do not let him treat you as one!   




ricosbaby26
by on May. 16, 2013 at 11:38 PM

Thank you:) I am just so sad and stressed over his behavior... and I know we are to blame for some of it.... and I do constantly take his phone away when ever he gets in trouble because its the only thing that seems like a punishment to him.... but he hates me for it and I find myself just saying screw it and give up just to keep arugments down because my husband it seems thats all he comes too:(


nikkichris612
by on May. 17, 2013 at 12:32 AM
2 moms liked this

Hi!

I hope you don't mind me getting right to the point. (I have been a therapist for 20 yrs and spent the last 5 working in a psychiatric crisis unit...LOTS of teens!)  Anyway, ENTITLEMENT is never fixed overnight.  I am sure I am not telling you anything new when I say he is definitely extremely entitled.  The problem is that when it goes on too long, they take over control of your home, most of the time without you even realizing it.  TAKE YOUR HOME BACK.  Don't just take his phone, take it for lengthy periods of time.  Don't specify a time he gets it, tell him when he earns it back he will get it.  Stop doing things for him, aside from his basic needs.  If he cannot do what you ask, then he needs to have that returned to him.  You and your husband need to come up with a concrete plan so if you're not together, he is still getting punished the same.  A united front always works best.  And don't put so much blame on yourself about not knowing how to parent correctly.  You were thrown into this, he was your husband's child and should carry the majority of the burden of how his son is acting.  I feel for you.  I truly do.  But it will get a bit ugly before it gets better.  Just know that.  And when it does, you'll know you're on the right path to taking back control of your household.  Your younger children desperately need you to do that.  Good luck to you.  Keep us posted.

gdiamante
by Bronze Member on May. 17, 2013 at 12:45 AM
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Quoting ricosbaby26:

My husband and I are well off and we have discovered that we def spoiled him (15 year old) too much because now he dont appreciate ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he wants is always expected....

Then time to short circuit the expectations. The gravy train has stopped running; he needs to earn things.

we realize this mistake... but too little too late:( Anyway... my hubby works crazy hours at times 84 hours a week so Im the SAHM and Im the one enforcing all the disipline most of the time... so Im ALWAYS  the bad guy.....

You should be the bad guy. So should dad, so if he's NOT backing you up then he needs to get on board. 

I cant even talk to my son with out him getting angry.. I cant ask him how his day was with out having him get upset because I had to ask 3-5 times before he finally takes his headphones out or puts the iphone down.... I try to remind him to do his chores so his daddy wont get onto him and I remind him several times a day about the SAME thing..

Don't keep reminding him. Keep a checklist and cross things off as they're done. If they're not done,. CONSEQUENCE. Like the loss of the iPhone.

and of course he doesnt do them and then when his daddy ask I tell him they werent done and of course its my fault according to my son for not reminding him to do his chores when he gets grounded????

Dad's not buying that, is he? If he is, he's not so wonderful. **smile** But I'm pretty sure dad's not buying it. Dad needs to tell his son that at 15 he shouldn't NEED reminding and that there are CONSEQUENCES to his behavior. In fact, completion of chores needs to be a requirement to get anything. 

Ugh:( He is constantly coming home and saying "I NEED YOU TOO..." run me here or there or you "HAVE TOO...." go buy me this or that....

If they aren't things directly related to passing classes in school or to his continued breathing, he doesn't NEED them. Tell him so. Make sure dad knows that's coming too!

he never ask an actually question...

Then you don't respond.

and NEVER EVER NEVER says Thank you or please....

Then you don't do things for him.

and when this is brought up to him he simply says there is no point ... those words are just stupid...

He'll find them a lot less stupid when he learns he gets bupkis when he forgets to use them. No please or thank you, no "stuff."

he gets mad when we put our cellphones up during dinner time

TOUGH.

and makes a big deal out of it even though its been a rule for like forever... he is SOOOOO mean to our little ones (ages 3 and 5) to the point that I neither me or my husband would EVER trust him to be alone with them....

As in you think he'd hurt them? Because that's a red flag for counseling.

and that is just sad:( Oooh and now all of the sudden as of like 3 months ago... he apparently doesnt believe in God and HATES church with a passion... and claims to believe in Gaya or whatever....

Gaia. Mother Earth. If he's not burning churches, I'd let that one go.

he talks about how he hates this kid at school just because he is annoying and that if he were to drive by him and see his car on fire with him stuck inside that he would just pull over and piss on him and say "Haha you F###ing deserve it... and drive away...

THAT is NOT something you let go. COUNSELING FOR THIS KID PRONTO!

and I have recently caught him telling my 5 year old (who loves church and is a very sweet little boy who loves everyone) that church is a lie... God isnt real.... and that its stupid to think you should love everyone... you should hate those that get in  your way and blah blah blah.... there is so much more that he does but I would have to write a novel to tell it all...  

You've told enough. He needs counseling and consequences. IMMEDIATELY.

I dont know what to do... all he does is stay in his room in the dark lying on his bead with headphones in either listening to music, talking to his GF or texting his GF ( his GF is a very good young lady and we like her alot) but since he has gotten with her he has gotten kicked off the track team for skipping meets and practices to be with her and is now decided that he will not be going to 4H camp (he has went every year since 3rd grade and he loves it till this day) because he cant take his cell phone and apparently cant live with out talking to her for 4 days:/  Im glad he is happy with his GF but I think getting kicked off track team and not doing the stuff he enjoys because of her is a bit ridiculous... and I am worried and stressed to my limits... sorry this is so long... 

I'd frankly be worried about him hurting her, the way he's talking. Counseling. IMMEDIATELY. Consequences, IMMEDIATELY. I'd take the phone away. He has to earn it back.

If you've paid money for this year's track, he needs to pay it back to you. If he doesn't want to go to 4H camp he doesn't have to but he's NOT getting the phone back until/unless he's earned it back with better behavior.

He's going to be mad. He's gonna hate you. That's OK. Your job is not and never has been to be LIKED... it's to raise a healthy responsible citizen.


nissadawn
by on May. 17, 2013 at 12:45 AM

As our kids entered jr high the additude thing has become an issue...right now its subtle things that some parents wouldnt notice...And the only thing i can do to get their attention is being the big bad mom....the pop off with additude i take whats most important to them till the next morning be it xbox cell phone kindle..they dont clean their room the worst thing i can do to them is yes I'll go in and clean it but i reeeeeeeeeaaally clean it then proceede to clean out their backpacks and go through them page by page letter by letter and THEN i get thier cell phones to view history of what they have looked at on the web browsers and every single text msg...chores are posted on the fridge they know it is there and on school days i remind them when they get home and thats it they dont do it there is a consequence. If they miss 2 days grounded for a week...they miss 3 days grounded for a month....they miss more then that they are grounded for a month and end up having absolutly nothing in thier room but a bed, blankets, pillows, clothes, books, their stuff for school, blank papers and something to write with. And they dont get their stuff back untill the do something ontop of everyday chores to make up for the days miss. The only exception i will allow is if we have something to do and we are busy all afternoon not at home or they are honestly coming straight home and doing a ton of homework and not goofing off. sounds to me that your biggest "tool" to use would be his cell phone. I know my cell phone carrier sprint has it and you probably need to look and see if yours offeres something simular..I can go in and set limits on all the kids phones likesetting limits on talk min amount of txt data use i can enter school hours and it will set the phne to where they cnt txt or call noone but me and their dad

As far as the religion thing goes...some teens at some point will try to explore of whats out there. Or they are forced to go every weekend and absolutly hate the experiance will try to buck As far as what he believes in the only thing i can think of (and i could be wrong that it would work)...ask him about Gaia...ask him for websites for information...tell him you want to understand his beliefs and see what would intrigue him to that particular religion. Then after you have honestly listened and read some things make it clear to him that so long as he doesnt bully or make remarks to the smaller children about their religion then you and your hubby wont try to push or force him to yours.. I could be just a fad right now something that later on he will get past it or he wont and he has his own beliefs for the rest of his life...either way it goes i bet youll still care and still love him despite it.

gdiamante
by Bronze Member on May. 17, 2013 at 12:52 AM


Quoting ricosbaby26:

Thank you:) I am just so sad and stressed over his behavior... and I know we are to blame for some of it.... and I do constantly take his phone away when ever he gets in trouble because its the only thing that seems like a punishment to him.... but he hates me for it

That's OK.

and I find myself just saying screw it and give up just to keep arugments down

Nope. That's shooting yourself in the foot.

because my husband it seems thats all he comes too:(

TOUGH! He needs to get involved here and rain down the Wrath Of Dad! Right now junior knows he can get away with things. And it's doing him NO FAVORS. So you and dad BOTH need to crack down. Or this could destroy your marriage.

kthomasson
by Member on May. 17, 2013 at 9:19 PM

 

ABSOLUTELY!!!!!! 

Quoting nikkichris612:

Hi!

I hope you don't mind me getting right to the point. (I have been a therapist for 20 yrs and spent the last 5 working in a psychiatric crisis unit...LOTS of teens!)  Anyway, ENTITLEMENT is never fixed overnight.  I am sure I am not telling you anything new when I say he is definitely extremely entitled.  The problem is that when it goes on too long, they take over control of your home, most of the time without you even realizing it.  TAKE YOUR HOME BACK.  Don't just take his phone, take it for lengthy periods of time.  Don't specify a time he gets it, tell him when he earns it back he will get it.  Stop doing things for him, aside from his basic needs.  If he cannot do what you ask, then he needs to have that returned to him.  You and your husband need to come up with a concrete plan so if you're not together, he is still getting punished the same.  A united front always works best.  And don't put so much blame on yourself about not knowing how to parent correctly.  You were thrown into this, he was your husband's child and should carry the majority of the burden of how his son is acting.  I feel for you.  I truly do.  But it will get a bit ugly before it gets better.  Just know that.  And when it does, you'll know you're on the right path to taking back control of your household.  Your younger children desperately need you to do that.  Good luck to you.  Keep us posted.


 

ricosbaby26
by on May. 17, 2013 at 11:03 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you all.... my husband is a great husband and father but he even admits that he tries to tunes us out (my son and I) because he doesnt want to make me feel like im not his parent... but I explained to him that I feel like im the only parent sometimes because I feel like im doing it all alone and Im always the bad guy... things really hit the fan today... and we agreed that we need to be more united when it comes to disipline but we will just have to wait and see how things go and hopefully we can become better parents. We told our son that he is NOT going to the party 2morrow.. and that if he dont learn to say thank you and your welcome and actually ask for things then he wont get to do them.... told him EVERY TIME  he gets disprespectful that his phone is gone for and unspoken amount of time... and that he will learn respect or he will learn to love his room very well cause thats all he will be seeing... I really hope we can make this work and keep to our guns.... we have had these discussions before and said similar things before but this time seems differnt I think my husband is finally had it with him as well and feels more of a mutual understanding than ever before:)

angeltink7
by Member on May. 18, 2013 at 3:22 AM

 Sounds like he needs his phone taken away from him to start.  Then it wouldn't matter if he can't bring it to camp.  Take away his things till he follows your rules.  Your house your rules and if he doesn't like them he can lie on his bed with nothing but the ceiling to cry to.  Your husband can be the bad guy who takes the phone, video controllers, Ipod etc to work with him so he can't annoy you to give them back.

 

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