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Daughters best friend bullying her, gonna kick her butt

Posted by on May. 18, 2013 at 9:48 PM
  • 14 Replies

New here and not sure where to start, sorry it's long, but I NEED ADVICE.  My daughter J is 14 and has these 2 best friends for about 8 years.  The one is neutral, but the other one, H always ends up putting J down, treating her second best, just plane making her feel bad.  J is always crying that H treats her worse and when she says something to H, H just yells back and tries to make it all J's fault.  Neither of them are angels and both start fights, but it is always J that comes out on the bottom feeling badly and crying, and H just doesn't care.  I have tried to tell her to get other friends, which she has, but she keeps going back to H.  Now, things have drasticlly changed.  J was crying to me on Thursday and I told her to give H her space at school and don't say anything, just do what you need to at school.  Well if H ingores J, it is ok, but if J ignores H, all hell breaks loose.  She ended up saying J is a beeyooch.  Not sure if I can swear here.  Not going into the itty bitty details, but H was with some of her so called new friends, and I don't know if she was trying to be all big and bad and show off, but she ended up saying if J said anything or come outside, (H was outside of my house talking to the third friend) she was going to kick her butt.  NOW, they have been friends for 8 years, J has stuck up for her when everyone told her to dump her and she was stupid for being friends with her.  As a mom, I just couldn't sit back, and let this girl threaten J.  For 8 years, I welcomed her into my house, took her places, treated her like a daughter and she is going to kick J's butt????  I said I wanted to talk to H and see what was going on.   I just wanted to talk, but I ended up blowing up on her.  She tried to exaggerate, and make it all look like J's fault.  I just couldn't take it, I told her to stop F'n lying, that she needed to remember who was friends with her in the beginning when no one would give her the time of day.  I told her she has issues and she needed to re-evaluate herself, that i didn't understand how one day you are best friends and the next you want to kick her butt.  Now i feel really bad, she was crying, but she is vindictive and i am afaid she is going to retaliate against J because of what I did.  Are there any mothers out there that would have done the same thing?  J is really small for her age and I really think that H could do some harm.  I just don't understand how you could do this to someone who was your best friend.  I did call H's cell phone and apologize, becuase i really didn't want to hurt her with what I said, and i know i went too far, I just wanted to know what was going on inside that mind of hers.  Disclaimer, H is a spoiled brat that gets everything she wants, and if she doesn't, she cries and cries until she does.  I don't think anyone has ever confronted her like I did and said the things to her that I did.  PLEASE, someone give me advice.  Should i feel bad?  I love my daughter and just couldn't sit back and see her so called best friend get away with this crap.  Sorry it's long.

by on May. 18, 2013 at 9:48 PM
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sahlady
by Gold Member on May. 18, 2013 at 9:56 PM

all we know is what you have typed.  I think you need to not speak to H.  I hesitate even telling you to talk to her parents to appologize and give your side, because it seems that the big picture is out of focus.

If your daughter has been putting up with this kind of relation ship for EIGHT years there is an issue there.  Ignore todays problem for the moment and focus on EIGHT years.  Your daughter needs to learn to stand up for herself, she shouldnt have had to deal with this for so long.  I would focus on that at the moment, that is what jumps out at me when I read what you typed.

drfink
by Emily on May. 18, 2013 at 10:05 PM
1 mom liked this

agree with sahlady .Leave it all alone ,focus on your daughter ,help your daughter learn to make real friends and if the friendship falters mourn it a bit and look for better friends.


gdiamante
by Bronze Member on May. 18, 2013 at 10:59 PM

Let's start with your title. You're not allowed to kick a 14 year old's butt, as *tempting* as it may be! But let's read through and see if there isn't a way to handle the little twerp.

Quoting TweetyJr:

New here and not sure where to start, sorry it's long, but I NEED ADVICE.  My daughter J is 14 and has these 2 best friends for about 8 years.  The one is neutral, but the other one, H always ends up putting J down, treating her second best, just plane making her feel bad. 

With friends like that, who needs enemies? Actually, I believe the word for this person is a "frenemy" and the way you handle it is simple. CUT THEM OFF. Evict toxic people from your life.

I know it may not be that simple, so reading on...

J is always crying that H treats her worse and when she says something to H, H just yells back and tries to make it all J's fault.  Neither of them are angels and both start fights, but it is always J that comes out on the bottom feeling badly and crying, and H just doesn't care.  I have tried to tell her to get other friends, which she has, but she keeps going back to H.

Ask her why she does that? H isn't going to change. 

  Now, things have drasticlly changed.  J was crying to me on Thursday and I told her to give H her space at school and don't say anything, just do what you need to at school. 

EXCELLENT ADVICE!

Well if H ingores J, it is ok, but if J ignores H, all hell breaks loose.  She ended up saying J is a beeyooch.  Not sure if I can swear here. 

You can. And know what? Tell J to EMBRACE THAT TITLE! If being a "bitch" means ignoring a mean girl, then J should PROUDLY be a bitch. H knows that your daughter is disturbed by words. But H is the MUCH sadder case.

Yes, I do embrace the bitch title. In my line of work it's a COMPLIMENT. (I'm a TV news producer.)

Not going into the itty bitty details, but H was with some of her so called new friends, and I don't know if she was trying to be all big and bad and show off, but she ended up saying if J said anything or come outside, (H was outside of my house talking to the third friend) she was going to kick her butt. 

Was this at school? That's the sort of thing that gets girls suspended at my son's school. FReading on.

NOW, they have been friends for 8 years, J has stuck up for her when everyone told her to dump her and she was stupid for being friends with her. 

Again, you have to ask her why. There may be a self- confidence issue that needs to be addressed, possibly by getting her involved in something she really shines at.

And you might tell her to read this: http://allaboutfrogs.org/stories/scorpion.html  It's a fable about how a frog trusted a scorpion with fatal results.

As a mom, I just couldn't sit back, and let this girl threaten J.  For 8 years, I welcomed her into my house, took her places, treated her like a daughter and she is going to kick J's butt????  I said I wanted to talk to H and see what was going on.   I just wanted to talk, but I ended up blowing up on her. 

I don't blame you. But it's not H you need to talk to. It's her PARENTS.

She tried to exaggerate, and make it all look like J's fault.  I just couldn't take it, I told her to stop F'n lying, that she needed to remember who was friends with her in the beginning when no one would give her the time of day.  I told her she has issues and she needed to re-evaluate herself, that i didn't understand how one day you are best friends and the next you want to kick her butt.  Now i feel really bad, she was crying, but she is vindictive and i am afaid she is going to retaliate against J because of what I did.  Are there any mothers out there that would have done the same thing?

I would have WANTED to, but I'd have gone to the parents. And if it's continual bullying, I'd go to the school. Our school has a strict policy against bullying.

  J is really small for her age and I really think that H could do some harm.  I just don't understand how you could do this to someone who was your best friend.  I did call H's cell phone and apologize, becuase i really didn't want to hurt her with what I said, and i know i went too far, I just wanted to know what was going on inside that mind of hers. 

I wouldnt' have apologized to the girl. Indeed, I would never say one word to her again. She's NOT welcome in the home, she's NOT in your life. I would call the parents.

Disclaimer, H is a spoiled brat that gets everything she wants, and if she doesn't, she cries and cries until she does.  I don't think anyone has ever confronted her like I did and said the things to her that I did.  PLEASE, someone give me advice.  Should i feel bad?

Nope. Not at all.

  I love my daughter and just couldn't sit back and see her so called best friend get away with this crap.  Sorry it's long.

Get your daughter away from this "best friend." Because this girl is NOT a best friend. It means she's not to see the girl outside of school. 

I'd be looking for activities that your daughter can get involved in that don't involve H. Cut H out of your lives. Permanently.

I suspect the "neutral" friend would love to cut H out of the equation too.

lazyd
by Bronze Member on May. 18, 2013 at 11:44 PM

I would have done the same thing.  H would not have listened if J had told H the same things about H being a bully and cruel, etc., but hearing it from a parent makes all the difference in the world.  And I would not have apologized on H's phone.  I wouldnt have cared if i had made H feel bad or not.  H needs the truth handed to her.  Did you say all this in front of H's new friends??  They're the ones that need to hear how awful H is.  I have a 14yo daughter too and I hate girls!  LOL!  Boys fight one day and are best friends the next, grudges are forgotten.  But girls hold grudges and are vindictive and bitches for no reason!!  Girls dont have to have a reason to hate you....they just do....

You gave your daughter good advice.  She just needs to avoid H and find new friends.  H will eventually get bored when your daughter doesnt respond to her taunts and bullying.  I know it will be hard.  If H threatens your daughter at school, tho, she needs to go to a teacher or counselor/dean and talk to them.  I wouldnt go to the parents, they are probably just as bad and probably just blame you for everything cuz of the way you talked to their daughter.

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on May. 18, 2013 at 11:49 PM
1 mom liked this

What's done is done.     Your focus needs to be on your daughter.....not H.  Your daughter has put up with this treatment for 8 years....that is your DD's issue and you need to find out why she is willing to be treated that way.      If you are worried that H will take revenge on your DD, you need to contact the school and let them know she has threatened her.   Luckily school is almost out.  




tyfry7496
by Silver Member on May. 19, 2013 at 12:15 AM
If this girl was your daughters best friend, she wouldn't be bullying her or threatening to kick her butt.

Time for your daughter to move on to real friends.
atlmom2
by Susie on May. 19, 2013 at 8:00 AM
This


Quoting sahlady:

all we know is what you have typed.  I think you need to not speak to H.  I hesitate even telling you to talk to her parents to appologize and give your side, because it seems that the big picture is out of focus.

If your daughter has been putting up with this kind of relation ship for EIGHT years there is an issue there.  Ignore todays problem for the moment and focus on EIGHT years.  Your daughter needs to learn to stand up for herself, she shouldnt have had to deal with this for so long.  I would focus on that at the moment, that is what jumps out at me when I read what you typed.


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MomTiara19
by on May. 19, 2013 at 8:15 AM

Man....I am getting old.

There was is so much drama in your post I couldnt follow what was going on....lol...

And I want so much to help because I hate bullying and bullies.

All I can say is try to keep your daughter away from this girl.Stay close to her like you have been.Keep your line of communication open.Have your daughter stay neutral with H...just hi and bye...no drama.Have your daughter get involved with a after school activity and make new friends.

Talk to the parents of J and H since you have known them for 8 years.Pay attention to your daughter.Make sure she isnt bruised or clothes ripped.Make sure she isnt being physically abused.

Worse case scenario get the school involved or police if need be.I take bullying seriously.The schools in my area do too.

CampClan
by on May. 19, 2013 at 8:19 AM
I wish I had advice for you! But I am reading some of the advice here & using it myself. IDK how my 13yo DD got to know this girl she claims is her best friend but I am livid she wants to be friends with her. This chic had tthe police called on my DD because my DD refused to kiss her! Yes- you read that correctly! This girl cornered my DD at school & kissed my DD & when DD didn't recipocate she spun this ugly lie through a chat site on tthe school's computers & the prinicpal saw it & the cops were called.

I have told DD not to taalk to her because what kind of friend would get the cops called on a friend?! Even the prinicpal said this girl was no good & to stay away from her! Yet I find out from my 12yo DD who goes to the same school & her circle of friends intertwines with 13yo DD's that 13yo DD is still talking to her!
fantasticfour
by Grumpy on May. 19, 2013 at 8:44 AM

My daughter had one of these friends.  Pretty much the same situation except she didn't threathen to kick her butt.  I had to break that relationship apart for her (she was also 12 at the time so it was easier).  Girl was hateful to my daughter and my daughter is now better for it.

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