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What would you say?

Posted by on May. 18, 2013 at 11:06 PM
  • 12 Replies

So we picked up our son from college on Thursday, just got done his freshman year. He goes to school 5 hours away from home so we are thrilled that he will be home for a few months. So basically he has been home 2 days and has been over to see his gf 3 times since he got home. He knows that we are not particularily fond of this girl because we made the mistake early on in the relationship of telling him things we were uncomfortable with concerning her. We have never been unkind to her and have invited her over for dinner whenever he is home from school. We have since decided to stay neutral where she is concerned, and if he says he is going over there we just say "okay see you later." Since day one she has been very controlling, keeps tabs on him wherever he is, actually tracks his phone, and has a foul mouth, and puts things out in cyber land that are shocking. He has asked in the past if we are happy with his relationship, we have replied "if you are happy then we are happy for you." We thought we were done with the questioning, but once again tonight-while he is over her house-he texts me "are you happy for me?" What kind of question is that?! So I say, "I am always happy for you." He then asks if I am happy with all of his choices. I responded that we would talk later, I don't think texting is where you discuss this kind of question and besides guess who would be reading the answer if I did. Anyway, my husband thinks I should just ignore it and say "Are you happy with your choices and if yes that is all that matters." What would you do if you had a son (I think actually his gf) constantly wanting you to say you agree with his choice of gf when you don't? I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to have any more confrontations over this(esp since he just got home!), In the past I've told him this is his gf not mine and his choice to make. UGH! When does he go back to college!LOL

by on May. 18, 2013 at 11:06 PM
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by Gold Member on May. 18, 2013 at 11:12 PM

I would never tell my sons I didn't like their GF. I embrace the girls with open arms even when I am less than thrilled.

In your case I would ask him why he needs you reassurance about her ? Tell him you would like to spend more time with her and get to know her better. That you hope the past can be left alone. Hopefully you will like her the better you know her.

by Susie on May. 18, 2013 at 11:15 PM
He knows you don't approve, but he is still looking and hoping you approve.
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by Kimberly on May. 18, 2013 at 11:32 PM
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I agree that the GF is likely the one texting you, using your son's phone.   Good for you that you didn't fall into that trap.    If you have a face to face with your son and he asks the question again,  I would tread lightly.      I would prbably say: The fact that you feel you need my approval tells me that you are not hopelessly In Love, and that is okay.   You are young, and I hope you are happy, but I don't feel you are at a point in your life to make lifelong decisions.   

by on May. 19, 2013 at 12:19 AM
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I would be honest with my son. I would say that I'm NOT happy with his choice of girlfriend but I am not the one who has to be happy with her, HE does. If he's truly happy then I will deal with the relationship.

IF its your son asking then it may be because he is NOT happy and looking for advice without really asking for it.
by on May. 19, 2013 at 12:46 AM

I know with my girls we have some of our best conversations through texts...sometimes its to uncomfortable for them to talk face to face...but when I'm not happy I let them know...we never lie to each other...

Maybe he's looking for justification to get rid of this girl...

by Silver Member on May. 19, 2013 at 12:56 AM

My answer would be a question. "Are YOU happy with it? You're an adult, so it doesn't matter what I think. What do YOU think?"

Although I might point out that someone who is secure in their decisions doesn't need to get the Court of Public (or Parental) Opinion to weigh in.

by on May. 19, 2013 at 1:10 AM

He's looking for advice, and may want you to weigh in. I'd be honest with him when he gets home (and explain why). He may be in an abusive (YES domestic violence goes both ways) situation and need to talk about it.

by Silver Member on May. 19, 2013 at 1:25 AM
I would tell him how you feel but, as others said, face to face and not through text.
by on May. 19, 2013 at 8:52 AM

We do feel that he is in an abusive relationship-she curses him out if he is late going over there, or forgets to call when he says he will, and then he appologizes. I feel like she is making him ask us hoping that we say we don't like her to put more strain on our relationship with him and therefore make him closer to her. I will not answer any more questions thru text or email because we have learned from our past mistakes that he forwards everything to her, something else she told him to do so that they are in an "honest" relationship. I am not going to bring up the subject again,but if he does, I am just going to ask if he is happy with his choices and if yes that is all that matters, and if not, he is the only one who can change things. Thank you to all who replied to my post.

by on May. 19, 2013 at 9:26 AM

I totally understand your viewpoint. Just as a reference, here's a link that talks about how to help your child with an abusive relationship as a point of reference, I was in such relationships as a teenager, and my parents took the "We're staying out of it stance." I wish they'd stepped in. I was almost killed, and even now, 20 years later, I still have PTSD from some of the things I went through as a teenager. I wish you and your family the best! 

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