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Help? I think she is going over the edge...

Posted by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 5:04 PM
  • 36 Replies

DD17 has had a rough life in a way.  I was 17 when she was born, her dad has been in and out of her life sometimes with 3 or more years between contact. She finally started up a good relationship with him and then he leaves her stepmom and their three kids for a woman that he has a 12 year old daughter with that no one knew about...so now she isnt speaking to him. 

I married when she was 2 and had two daughters but my husband became abusive (to me, not the kids) so we left and moved in with my parents when she was about 5 (her sisters were 3 and 18 months). We lived with them for 3 years...I had an opportunity to start fresh so we moved about 3 hours away and after about 1.5-2 years, realized that the kids were better when we were near family.  So, after moving back, I got a job and then a second job (the kids didnt like the schools in my parents area and neither did I) so the kids could go to the school they wanted and I could afford to live in that school zone.  We have lived in this town for about 7 years now.

Sooooo...

She has been sneaking around a LOT lately.  She usually has an alibi but today she got caught and it was a big one.  She has been leaving the house after DH and I leave in the morning to go to a guy friends house to "just hang out" or to go swimming with him. Turns out she has been doing this all week and some last week.  She leaves the house to just go do whatever she wants with whoever she wants and she knows this isnt allowed.  When I asked her why she was doing these things she said that she "didnt love us and we didnt love her so why should she care anymore?"  Really???

She has been in trouble for breaking little rules left and right the past few months and today after I took her phone I found a text that tells me its been going on a lot longer than I thought.  She has completely lost our trust now and I told her that right now she is grounded until further notice.  All she gets is work, church and home.  My mom has offered to let her stay with her for a while so that she wont be home alone and be tempted to do anything else and I am contemplating doing that. 

I honestly am at a loss.  She has been a great kid and I never would have expected that from her.  I dont know what to do...do I send her to my moms to regroup and go from there?  Do I keep her at home and her be mad and risk something happening that is worse?

by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 5:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 5:16 PM

Send her to your mom's, by all means. She needs adult supervision AND reinforcement. Some family counseling would also be in order.

Mrs.Missi
by Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 5:20 PM
1 mom liked this
Hello she's 17. She's going to be an adult soon. Why is her hanging out with this person or going swimming such a big deal? I've been on my own since I was 17. She's not a little child anymore Mom.
pokey-pwa
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 5:41 PM

I am really leaning towards the sending her to my mom and dads for a while.  They only live about 25 minutes away and can take her to work and stuff.  Sometimes hearing things from someone other than a parent helps too...  I will have to see what we can do as far as counseling.  She has an appointment for a check up on Thursday so I will ask her doctor about any recommendations.


Quoting gdiamante:

Send her to your mom's, by all means. She needs adult supervision AND reinforcement. Some family counseling would also be in order.


 

pokey-pwa
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 5:46 PM

Because she used the car that is not hers without permission. becuase she lied about where she was and where she was going, she left her younger sister at home alone which isnt supposed to happen and because I am her parent and had rules set in our house. Becasue when she goes swimming it charges our account and we have to pay for it, because this guy that she was visiting lives in the next town over and she isnt allowed to drive that far without someoen with her.

It is called respect.  Doesnt matter how old she is, she needs to respect the rules that are set in place for her.  She knows that if she had ASKED to go swimming, she would have been allowed to.  But she chose to sneak around do things the wrong way.


Quoting Mrs.Missi:

Hello she's 17. She's going to be an adult soon. Why is her hanging out with this person or going swimming such a big deal? I've been on my own since I was 17. She's not a little child anymore Mom.


 

gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 5:59 PM
1 mom liked this

And at 17 she's still your responsibility. You DON'T let these things go. If you do, she might not live to becoming an adult.

Quoting pokey-pwa:

Because she used the car that is not hers without permission. becuase she lied about where she was and where she was going, she left her younger sister at home alone which isnt supposed to happen and because I am her parent and had rules set in our house. Becasue when she goes swimming it charges our account and we have to pay for it, because this guy that she was visiting lives in the next town over and she isnt allowed to drive that far without someoen with her.

It is called respect.  Doesnt matter how old she is, she needs to respect the rules that are set in place for her.  She knows that if she had ASKED to go swimming, she would have been allowed to.  But she chose to sneak around do things the wrong way.


Quoting Mrs.Missi:

Hello she's 17. She's going to be an adult soon. Why is her hanging out with this person or going swimming such a big deal? I've been on my own since I was 17. She's not a little child anymore Mom.




boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Jun. 14, 2013 at 6:39 PM
1 mom liked this

I think she should be dropped off at your Mom's each day, and picked up when you are on your way home..... like if she were going to a babysitter, which essentially, she is.       Take her phone & license away, too.

If she wants to be treated as an adult, she needs to behave as one.    




pokey-pwa
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 6:42 PM
Exactly.


Quoting gdiamante:

And at 17 she's still your responsibility. You DON'T let these things go. If you do, she might not live to becoming an adult.

Quoting pokey-pwa:

Because she used the car that is not hers without permission. becuase she lied about where she was and where she was going, she left her younger sister at home alone which isnt supposed to happen and because I am her parent and had rules set in our house. Becasue when she goes swimming it charges our account and we have to pay for it, because this guy that she was visiting lives in the next town over and she isnt allowed to drive that far without someoen with her.


It is called respect.  Doesnt matter how old she is, she needs to respect the rules that are set in place for her.  She knows that if she had ASKED to go swimming, she would have been allowed to.  But she chose to sneak around do things the wrong way.




Quoting Mrs.Missi:

Hello she's 17. She's going to be an adult soon. Why is her hanging out with this person or going swimming such a big deal? I've been on my own since I was 17. She's not a little child anymore Mom.






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pokey-pwa
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 6:49 PM
2 moms liked this
I have her phone and license already. My mom picked her up and took her to work and I am going to pick her up later.

I thought about that too...taking and dropping her off every day. If she stays with my mom, I'm worried she will see it as a vacation of sorts. Not that my mom would let her get away with anything but she will be away from the hustle and bustle of our house and have a lot of quiet time. I could always make her pay for the gas to go back and forth I suppose.

She mentioned that she is counting down the days til she turns 18. DH an I are thinking about letting her feel more grown up by letting her pay her portion of the car insurance, cell phone bill, gas for the car (she usually does the herself but sometimes we help) and maybe a few other things. Let her see that moving out on her own making what she does at her job is not going to e easy.


Quoting boys2men2soon:

I think she should be dropped off at your Mom's each day, and picked up when you are on your way home..... like if she were going to a babysitter, which essentially, she is.       Take her phone & license away, too.

If she wants to be treated as an adult, she needs to behave as one.    


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Cindy18
by Bronze Member on Jun. 14, 2013 at 6:51 PM
I agree with the poaster that said to treat it like she is going to babysitter.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Jun. 14, 2013 at 7:06 PM


Quoting pokey-pwa:

I have her phone and license already. My mom picked her up and took her to work and I am going to pick her up later.

I thought about that too...taking and dropping her off every day. If she stays with my mom, I'm worried she will see it as a vacation of sorts. Not that my mom would let her get away with anything but she will be away from the hustle and bustle of our house and have a lot of quiet time. I could always make her pay for the gas to go back and forth I suppose.

She mentioned that she is counting down the days til she turns 18. DH an I are thinking about letting her feel more grown up by letting her pay her portion of the car insurance, cell phone bill, gas for the car (she usually does the herself but sometimes we help) and maybe a few other things. Let her see that moving out on her own making what she does at her job is not going to e easy.


Quoting boys2men2soon:

I think she should be dropped off at your Mom's each day, and picked up when you are on your way home..... like if she were going to a babysitter, which essentially, she is.       Take her phone & license away, too.

If she wants to be treated as an adult, she needs to behave as one.    


Give her a calendar to mark off the days!    She should also reimburse you for the cost of gas she used while sneaking out in your car...and for the cost of swimming that you mentioned was charged to your account.  




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