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Should I Be Worried?

Posted by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 9:18 PM
  • 13 Replies
My Dd is 14, she has always been crazy active and for the last few months she hardly does anything with friends. She doesn't recluse, is always doing stuff with the family (which I love), but it seems like she doesn't really have any friends anymore.

Back story: dd has always been popular- a girly girl but active in sports. Middle of last school year she started having some medical problems and had to drop off one of the teams she was crazy active in. The coach didn't show much sympathy but that was okay. I expected them to be more supportive, at least ask how she was but no one ever did. I think it bothered me more than her.

In the midst of all of this- testing, CT Scans, ultrasounds, etc. she started having trouble with her wrist. She cheers and her passion is tumbling. Well she ends up on restriction- no tumbling for a year.

While all of this is happening, her cheer coach begins some "off" things; having the girls laying face first on the floor when the opposing team comes out, and started acting a little like Abby Lee. Well, some of it I roll with and some of it- like laying on the ground face first I put my foot down and say no. Dd doesn't object at all,

Some of her friends start rebeling, (sex and alcahol) and dd withdrawals. (Uncle died from OD, they were very close- she is adamant about No to drugs and drinking). She decides not to try out for cheer due to coaches behavior (I was very proud of her). The problem is now she never does anything.

Am I over reacting? How much time do most 14 year olds spend at home? Is it normal she is only with friends a couple days a week?

I am so happy she is making good choices, but I thought she would have made new friends by now. The few she did, were only using her to get invited to parties, etc. It was very hurtful for her and now I wonder if she has put up a wall.

by on Jun. 26, 2013 at 9:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Jun. 26, 2013 at 11:46 PM

I'd talk to her and ask her if she's okay. My daughter is 21 and rarely does anything by herself due to her anxiety. It's like she's a 21yo acting like a 40yo SAHM (stay at home mother). I would maybe arrange for some counselling and take her out every week for some mother daughter time. Find her some new clubs, like music, art, a book club. Something where she can make new friends.

FindersKeepers
by on Jun. 27, 2013 at 1:09 AM
2 moms liked this

If she is going out a couple of times a week with friend that seems fine for her age.  My 13yo goes to school, plays volleyball and goes to youth group.  If she is not an organized event she is at home.   She has a couple of friends that she doesn't things with outside of that, but not very often and normally just for birthdays, ect.

I think middle school to early high school is when you really start to distinguish acquaintences from friends.   Sounds like most of her cheer squad were teammates, not friends.   FRIENDS is a case where quality is more important than quanitity. 

 

FindersKeepers
by on Jun. 27, 2013 at 1:12 AM

 I agree with this too...  Tumbling is really hard on your body.   If she is already having problems it would be a good time to encourage her to get into another activity.   Since she liked tumbling, maybe dance would be a good fit.   Her athletic ability will be such an asset in any sport.   Encouraging her to cross-train or try something else for a while... she may end up liking something new more in the end.


Quoting GleekingOut:

I'd talk to her and ask her if she's okay. My daughter is 21 and rarely does anything by herself due to her anxiety. It's like she's a 21yo acting like a 40yo SAHM (stay at home mother). I would maybe arrange for some counselling and take her out every week for some mother daughter time. Find her some new clubs, like music, art, a book club. Something where she can make new friends.


 

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Jun. 27, 2013 at 1:19 AM


DD just told me too - there is this awesome Tween book called 'What Supergirl did next' that pretty much describes your (OP) exact situation. Check for it on Ebay - she might like it alot. :)

Quoting FindersKeepers:

 I agree with this too...  Tumbling is really hard on your body.   If she is already having problems it would be a good time to encourage her to get into another activity.   Since she liked tumbling, maybe dance would be a good fit.   Her athletic ability will be such an asset in any sport.   Encouraging her to cross-train or try something else for a while... she may end up liking something new more in the end.


Quoting GleekingOut:

I'd talk to her and ask her if she's okay. My daughter is 21 and rarely does anything by herself due to her anxiety. It's like she's a 21yo acting like a 40yo SAHM (stay at home mother). I would maybe arrange for some counselling and take her out every week for some mother daughter time. Find her some new clubs, like music, art, a book club. Something where she can make new friends.





HilbillyMamaof3
by on Jun. 27, 2013 at 7:20 AM
Thank you, I will look into that book.

She did start dance about 10 weeks ago, and is going to try out for the dance team in the fall. She is also back in tumbling as of two weeks ago. She was running cross country and track but has a mass that blocks her airway (benign). We thought it was asthma, but it was not. I can't seem to find anything else to interest her I have tried.

We do have a mother daughter day often, but I do think I will try to spend more time with her. She has also been spending more time with my mom, they use to always do things then middle school started.

I completely agree with the friends not being friends. She sees that also and I know that it hurt her. This group of girls were together 24/7. I put the breaks on it in the beginning of the school year when I picked up on some really negative behaviour.

I think the counceling may help as well. I'm more worried about depression, but maybe it could be anxiety. I think maybe I'm just so use to her being so busy over the summer that I'm over reacting also. Cross country holds practice 6 days a week- sometimes 2 times a day. Plus there were over night camps and a lot of out of town field trips- every week. Then cheer practice was in the middle of the afternoon when ever there was not cross country, (the cheer coach would schedule around Cross country). And you add tumbling lessons to that, a friend at our house once a week, her at a friends house once a week- that was an active summer. Then with 60 kids on CC and 24 on cheer their was always someone having a party.

I have talked to her, she says everyone is busy. Which they are. The new friends she has made play travel softball, so they are always gone. And the old ones, well sometimes I let her go and sometimes I don't. Depends on the situation.

Thank you for your input.


Quoting GleekingOut:


DD just told me too - there is this awesome Tween book called 'What Supergirl did next' that pretty much describes your (OP) exact situation. Check for it on Ebay - she might like it alot. :)


Quoting FindersKeepers:

 I agree with this too...  Tumbling is really hard on your body.   If she is already having problems it would be a good time to encourage her to get into another activity.   Since she liked tumbling, maybe dance would be a good fit.   Her athletic ability will be such an asset in any sport.   Encouraging her to cross-train or try something else for a while... she may end up liking something new more in the end.




Quoting GleekingOut:


I'd talk to her and ask her if she's okay. My daughter is 21 and rarely does anything by herself due to her anxiety. It's like she's a 21yo acting like a 40yo SAHM (stay at home mother). I would maybe arrange for some counselling and take her out every week for some mother daughter time. Find her some new clubs, like music, art, a book club. Something where she can make new friends.









atlmom2
by Susie on Jun. 27, 2013 at 8:29 AM
1 mom liked this
This is what I think.


Quoting FindersKeepers:

If she is going out a couple of times a week with friend that seems fine for her age.  My 13yo goes to school, plays volleyball and goes to youth group.  If she is not an organized event she is at home.   She has a couple of friends that she doesn't things with outside of that, but not very often and normally just for birthdays, ect.


I think middle school to early high school is when you really start to distinguish acquaintences from friends.   Sounds like most of her cheer squad were teammates, not friends.   FRIENDS is a case where quality is more important than quanitity. 


 


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MrsBLB
by Missi on Jun. 27, 2013 at 10:02 AM

I agree

Quoting GleekingOut:

I'd talk to her and ask her if she's okay. My daughter is 21 and rarely does anything by herself due to her anxiety. It's like she's a 21yo acting like a 40yo SAHM (stay at home mother). I would maybe arrange for some counselling and take her out every week for some mother daughter time. Find her some new clubs, like music, art, a book club. Something where she can make new friends.


MrsBLB
by Missi on Jun. 27, 2013 at 10:03 AM

This also

Quoting FindersKeepers:

If she is going out a couple of times a week with friend that seems fine for her age.  My 13yo goes to school, plays volleyball and goes to youth group.  If she is not an organized event she is at home.   She has a couple of friends that she doesn't things with outside of that, but not very often and normally just for birthdays, ect.

I think middle school to early high school is when you really start to distinguish acquaintences from friends.   Sounds like most of her cheer squad were teammates, not friends.   FRIENDS is a case where quality is more important than quanitity. 



MrsBLB
by Missi on Jun. 27, 2013 at 10:03 AM
1 mom liked this

Please try not to worry too much.  Keep us updated, hugs

SnapIt
by Member on Jun. 27, 2013 at 10:51 AM
Seems like she growing up and making hard choices.
Its good she isnt hanging out with the downers.
I dont think kids should hang out with friends all the time, but i would keep an eye on how much she pulls away from friends
It could be issues shes not telling you about.
Maybe shes being pressured or bullied
Maybe shes in shock of what is happening in the world and doesnt want any part of it.
Even being put down by her coach and its bringing her down. That can have an impact on her self esteem.
Even being sexually abuse by someone can have this effect and why shes hanging around you more. Like she needs protection

I would sit down and have a talk with her and see whats going on, especially if there has been a drastic change in her
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