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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

DD won't do anything, suggestions please?

Posted by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 7:37 PM
  • 25 Replies

Our dd is 16, and she just refuses to do anything. She'll lie in bed all day or on the couch unless we literally pick her up and stand behind her until she finishes the task. If we stop hounding her for even a second, she slinks off to go sit down again. We've tried punishments, rewards, a combination of the two, having group meetings with her psychiatrist and therapist, and it always goes back to the same thing. I've just been basically following her around all day.

Even if we do manage to get her up, she's screaming and whining. She wasn't this bad even as a toddler! I am NOT  a lax mother, and she knows this kind of behavior is way out of bounds. When meeting with her psychiatrist, she promises to do better, but then as soon as he leaves she goes back to having full out tantrums.

I understand she's going through a really tough time, for reasons I won't mention, but so are my husband and I, with each other and her. She's incredibly irresponsible. We've tried the, "you're gonna act like a child, we'll treat you like one", and I'll admit, she was better, but I can't see how treating her like she's 6 for any extended period of time is going to create a productive adult.

Any suggestions? Maybe I need to look at it from another perspective. Thanks

by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 7:37 PM
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Replies (1-10):
askmommy
by Member on Jun. 29, 2013 at 7:42 PM
Is this a summer thing, only at home, or school related too? What about friends and social activites?
atlmom2
by Susie on Jun. 29, 2013 at 7:44 PM

You created her and allow her to be this way.  Mine never were in bed all day because I would not allow it ever.  Even now my college dd is woken up by me by 10ish if she isn't already up.  We do not sleep the day away in our home.  You only have a couple more years left to teach her how to be a responsible adult. 

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RShay735
by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 8:03 PM

Neither do we. My three sons have always gotten up and responded to normal, even fairly severe discipline. I'd probably say the same thing to someone as you're saying to me, so I know where you're coming from. We drag her out of bed, and short of beating her, have done everything we've thought of to get her to be active. That's why I'm looking for other perspectives.


Quoting atlmom2:

You created her and allow her to be this way.  Mine never were in bed all day because I would not allow it ever.  Even now my college dd is woken up by me by 10ish if she isn't already up.  We do not sleep the day away in our home.  You only have a couple more years left to teach her how to be a responsible adult. 



lilpep100
by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 8:10 PM
We make ours be in something. Right now, both do swim, they have it year round at most high schools.
My teenager is also in the air force jrotc. It's called civil air patrol. They just meet one a week, and you can find them online. They usually have them at all of the small airports. They have camps throughout the year that are optional. They also learn how to fly a plane, do search and rescue, and other things. It's a good way to get scholarships.

Does your DD drive yet? If so, I'd take that privilege. Maybe get her to get a part time job to save for a car later? That would motivate mine!
RShay735
by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 8:13 PM

It's everything. She has to be homeschooled because of violent tendencies, and she's drifted away from all of her friends.


Quoting askmommy:

Is this a summer thing, only at home, or school related too? What about friends and social activites?



RShay735
by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 8:19 PM

That's what we did with our three sons when they acted up, ahah. No, she can't drive, she's in too much legal trouble for that, and she's too irresponsible anyways. DD can't go to public schools, and she can't be away from us or unmonitored because she's suicidal. I'm sorry to shoot down your suggestions. Lately the best motivator for her has been food haha.


Quoting lilpep100:

We make ours be in something. Right now, both do swim, they have it year round at most high schools.
My teenager is also in the air force jrotc. It's called civil air patrol. They just meet one a week, and you can find them online. They usually have them at all of the small airports. They have camps throughout the year that are optional. They also learn how to fly a plane, do search and rescue, and other things. It's a good way to get scholarships.

Does your DD drive yet? If so, I'd take that privilege. Maybe get her to get a part time job to save for a car later? That would motivate mine!



atlmom2
by Susie on Jun. 29, 2013 at 8:22 PM
From reading more it sounds like she isn't on the right medications.
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balagan_imma
by Member on Jun. 29, 2013 at 8:26 PM

I think that if she has a therapist and/or psychiatrist and she is repeatedly allowed to promise to do better, you need to find other psychiatric help. It appears that she is allowed by them to keep doing what she is doing. Perhaps you need to look into residential treatment or boot camp. Medications may be in order as well. 

Im sorry to sound harsh, and cannot fathom how hard it must be, but what you are doing is not working. You need to tweak it so it does work. 

sabrtooth1
by on Jun. 29, 2013 at 8:29 PM
Quoting atlmom2:

From reading more it sounds like she isn't on the right medications.

That's a big 10-4.  Sounds like she's severely depressed, maybe bi-polar.  Counseling will do NOTHING until she's on the right meds, and is CAPABLE of following the counselor's suggestions.  There are surely other conditions in there as well.  If the counselor you have now is not using meds and/or is not a psychiatrist, it's time for a new one.  The family --and particularly the parents-- need to be in sessions with her as well. 

And as another poster said, "If what you're doing isn't working, you're doing something wrong.  Don't keep doing the same things, seeing the same docs, and expect different result.  Ain't gonna happen.


askmommy
by Member on Jun. 29, 2013 at 10:10 PM
Sounds like she needs more professional help than she is currently receiving. I can't imagine what you are going through. Please just keep trying until you find the right person to help.
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