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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Do you cut the cord at 18 and let them fly?

Posted by on Jun. 30, 2013 at 10:49 AM
  • 23 Replies
This can vary. I started my children on the topics money management, communication skills, be an self advocate, & research & questions at 7yrs. Through minors task like washing clothes, selecting foods, buying piggy banks. Now my 18 has an IEP but is very independent. He teaches me so much. He wants to go to college in another state. I decided to cut the string.
by on Jun. 30, 2013 at 10:49 AM
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atlmom2
by Susie on Jun. 30, 2013 at 11:08 AM
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My dd goes to college 7 hours away in Ohio. We live in Wisconsin. She loves it. As parents I feel we are here to teach independence from a young age, very young. I know many parents today don't agree and are devastated when kids grow up.
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sahlady
by Gold Member on Jun. 30, 2013 at 11:29 AM
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if im still paying for any part of their lives then they are not 100% flying.  our daughter is 18 and will be going to college half way across the country.  she will have the opportunity to fly and fall, hopefully not fall, but the cord will not be cut 100% since we are paying for her college.

IF she chose to pay for ALL of the college expenses on her own, then she gets the cord cut and gets to make ALL the choices.  OR if she chooses, by her actions, to fail out of college or quit at that point we will cut the cord and she can get a job, move out, and make ALL the choices.

But until they are out of our home, and paying 100% for their lives, we still have some say.

sabrtooth1
by on Jun. 30, 2013 at 11:30 AM

On an IEP, going to college in another state?  No way.  Unless you feel like flushing 20-40K down the toilet.

Both my kids were on 504's, and they did NOT go away.  In the first place, we had a set college budget.  We had discussed with both kids -for years- that the budget would go further if they stayed home and commuted, went to CC for a couple years, chose a state school over a private one, etc.  They both were/are on meds.  We discussed how difficult it would be to continue meds correctly if they had to find a new Pdoc and pharmacy or come home once a month to see the Pdoc & fill their meds.  And very importantly, they both had good jobs.  They would have had to find new jobs, on TOP of keeping up their grades, taking care of their cars, laundry, etc, and have NO support system.

And even tho they are both very smart, motivated kids, they were STILL KIDS.  Kids with disabilities, and emotional disorders.  Shit happened.  And it was MUCH easier to handle the shit because they were HOME, instead of 100's of miles away.

I'm all for kids spreading their wings.  But it's just stupid to hand a kid with disabilities 30 THOUSAND DOLLARS, let them walk out of the house the day after they turn 18, move to another state, and expect them to succeed.  If he was moving out on his OWN DIME, without college tuition, & room and board or a signed lease IN YOUR NAME on the line, I'd say fine, have a go.  But not now.  He needs to work up to living on his own.

BTW, both kids did eventually move out.  One, at 21, the other at 25.   They were through with college and they had jobs in their new career fields.  They were much better prepared to handle life on their own.  And they both STILL ended up moving back when they hit rough patches.  But it wasn't for long, and it wasn't a disaster for ANYONE.

sahlady
by Gold Member on Jun. 30, 2013 at 11:44 AM

1. I think it depends on the nature of the IEP.  My niece has an IEP, was a freshman last year in a different state, and finished her first year on the deans list and with out the freshman 10.  I think she did an amazing job, and honestly probably better than my daughter will who does not have an IEP.

2. Incomes vary.  What you might think a ridiculous college budget might not be so ridiculous for another family.  

Quoting sabrtooth1:

1)On an IEP, going to college in another state?  No way.  Unless you feel like flushing 20-40K down the toilet.

2)Both my kids were on 504's, and they did NOT go away.  In the first place, we had a set college budget.  We had discussed with both kids -for years- that the budget would go further if they stayed home and commuted, went to CC for a couple years, chose a state school over a private one, etc.  They both were/are on meds.  We discussed how difficult it would be to continue meds correctly if they had to find a new Pdoc and pharmacy or come home once a month to see the Pdoc & fill their meds.  And very importantly, they both had good jobs.  They would have had to find new jobs, on TOP of keeping up their grades, taking care of their cars, laundry, etc, and have NO support system.



mumsy2three
by Shauna on Jun. 30, 2013 at 2:07 PM

I would suggest having your son check into the kind of supports that are offered through the college he plans to attend. Contrary to popular belief IEP's are not a valid, legally binding documents in college. However, students are covered by ADA (504 plans are covered by this), so most colleges have supports in place to help students with needs. That is something your son will have to advocate for himself.

Here are a couple of articles/sites fyi:

http://www.ncld.org/parents-child-disabilities/teens/transitioning-college-for-students-learning-disabilities

http://www.pacer.org/publications/adaqa/504.asp


To answer your question, if my 19 y/o dd was living on her own, paying all of her own bills, etc at 18 then yes I would let her fly. At this point she isn't 100% on her own. She works and pays rent and still lives here at home. She is able to make her own choices, has the ability to come and go and otherwise functions independently.

TranquilMind
by Bronze Member on Jun. 30, 2013 at 2:33 PM

 Yes, of course, if the kid is ready.  Mine has already traveled around the world (not with us), and won't be 18 for years.

ETA:  Not sure what kind of IEP you are talking about, because we don't have that, so maybe my answer is inapplicable.

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Jun. 30, 2013 at 2:34 PM

You are the best judge of what your son can handle.    My 19 yr old has aspergers, yet he is fully capable of making his own decisions and living on his own.

Neither of my sons are completely on their own.  They both live at home.  One is in college, the other graduated and is working.     They were both given lots of freedom at 18.  They make their own decisions and do what they want for the most part, but we are here to guide and advise them.    They pay their own bills...  car insurance, cell phones, etc.    But, we are still supporting them.





epykpysmom
by Member on Jun. 30, 2013 at 2:45 PM

Perhaps I am "old school," but I truly agree with this! 

Quoting sahlady:

if im still paying for any part of their lives then they are not 100% flying.  our daughter is 18 and will be going to college half way across the country.  she will have the opportunity to fly and fall, hopefully not fall, but the cord will not be cut 100% since we are paying for her college.

IF she chose to pay for ALL of the college expenses on her own, then she gets the cord cut and gets to make ALL the choices.  OR if she chooses, by her actions, to fail out of college or quit at that point we will cut the cord and she can get a job, move out, and make ALL the choices.

But until they are out of our home, and paying 100% for their lives, we still have some say.


atlmom2
by Susie on Jun. 30, 2013 at 3:05 PM
1 mom liked this
Well pretty much if they are away at school they can do as they please. Not making bad grades, but even if you call every day (I talked my my dd every 10 days or so and text a couple times a week) they can be lying and doing whatever anyway. We wanted our dd to be independant. She didn't do so hot (2.3 gpa) 1st semester. 2nd much better at 3.4 gpa. Kids have to be self motivated. At least we think so. Too many kids graduate college and cannot function without mommy and daddy.
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bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Jun. 30, 2013 at 4:16 PM
It depends on the child. My DS has always been very responsible, independent and highly self motivated. He just finished his 2nd year at a college 6 hours away. Are the strings 100% cut? No, we pay for his education, but he has the freedom of course to do as he pleases he lives 6 hours away lol. There is a HUGE element if trust and the last 2 years he's proven that his college education is a great investment and something he was ready for. My DD age 15, not sure if she will be ready for a 30,000 a year college education when the time comes in 3 years? If not we will prob go with something like a state school.
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