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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

18 year old is moving back home......

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:34 PM
  • 26 Replies
1 mom liked this

4 year ago, when I was still a single mom, my parents moved to Washington State. My son asked if he could go with them and since he was going from middle school to high school I said yes. During this time I met and married my DH and this caused a falling out with me and my parent which is all together another story but it ended with my father telling me never to contact him or his wife (his words not mine) for anything ever again. Ok, so my son graduated this past June and is 18 years old. On Sunday, and I still don’t have all the details on what happen, my parents kicked him out. Here is the issue I am having now; I have 5 Ground Rules which are Curfew, Car (he won’t have one when he gets here), Rent (once he has a car and a job), Chores, and Guest. This I feel are flexible and can be changed at any time. I also have come up with some that are not so flexible, No bad talking grandparent or each other, stay out of each other room, don’t us each other electronics without permission, etc.  OK yes there are 17 rules and some are silly and can be taken out, but my DH doesn’t think we should have any rules beyond the 5 ground rule. What do you think? Should we have rules for an 18 year old out of high school or not?

by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Susie on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:37 PM
rules? not really. being respectful, yes. curfew, no.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
12yrmama
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:49 PM
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Main 5 are a good starting point. You should wait and see how the rest goes once he's there. Some 18 yr olds are more grown/responsible than others, and some need more wrangling in.

12yrmama
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:53 PM
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Also, my rule on bedrooms: close your door, no lock. I promise to knock and never spy on you. But this is my house therefore I will enter in emergencies (or if I think you are using drugs I WILL toss your room and leave behind a trail of rumble that used to be yours).

county_mom
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 12:57 PM

Taht is a good idea, thanks


Quoting 12yrmama:

Also, my rule on bedrooms: close your door, no lock. I promise to knock and never spy on you. But this is my house therefore I will enter in emergencies (or if I think you are using drugs I WILL toss your room and leave behind a trail of rumble that used to be yours).



12yrmama
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 1:07 PM
1 mom liked this

 Just remember to knock everytime, or else you sort of ruin the trust. My dh forgets sometimes. Our son doesn't really mind yet but its important to show the respect to get respect.


Quoting county_mom:

Taht is a good idea, thanks

 

Quoting 12yrmama:

Also, my rule on bedrooms: close your door, no lock. I promise to knock and never spy on you. But this is my house therefore I will enter in emergencies (or if I think you are using drugs I WILL toss your room and leave behind a trail of rumble that used to be yours).

 

 


 

atlmom2
by Susie on Jul. 25, 2013 at 1:12 PM
My 19 yo would look at me strange if I knocked lol. Guess we roll differently here.


Quoting 12yrmama:

 Just remember to knock everytime, or else you sort of ruin the trust. My dh forgets sometimes. Our son doesn't really mind yet but its important to show the respect to get respect.




Quoting county_mom:


Taht is a good idea, thanks


 


Quoting 12yrmama:


Also, my rule on bedrooms: close your door, no lock. I promise to knock and never spy on you. But this is my house therefore I will enter in emergencies (or if I think you are using drugs I WILL toss your room and leave behind a trail of rumble that used to be yours).


 


 




 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
JessicaR7
by Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 1:39 PM

I think you are doing the right thing and I agree with you. My personal belief is that an 18 year old, living in your home, is still subject to rules.  Actually, the 5 ground rules you have in place are a good starting point and what the experts recommend in regard to living with older children.  Below is a three part series/article about living with older children and establishing rules and boundaries.  I thought you might find it helpful.

 

Part One:

http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rules-Boundaries-and-Older-Children.php?&key=Adult-Children


Part Two:

http://www.empoweringparents.com/In-Response-to-Questions-about-Older-Children-Living-at-Home-by-James-Lehman.php?&key=Adult-Children



Part Three:

http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rules-Boundaries-and-Older-Children-Late-To-Set-Up-Living-Agreement.php?&key=Adult-Children

texasjen
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 1:47 PM

18 or not, he has rules..... a lot I'm sure would be unspoken, because, its called respecting each other's space and privacy. Child or not.... any one of mine that move back in, there are rules......

Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 25, 2013 at 1:59 PM

Every household need to have some kind of rules to respect the other person living there. I'm sure you and your husband have some things you do to respect each other's wishes, even if they aren't written out.

My thought is to have a family meeting when your son gets there to discuss how the household normally operates (i.e., schedules, chores, etc.) and how him living there will fit into that mix. I would treat my 18 year old more like an adult and would let them contribute to that discussion and try to come to consensus agreements between the whole family.

In other words, I would have a family meeting to discuss living together, but I wouldn't lay out rules to be followed that would be similar to a chore sheet or classroom rules, like you might with a younger child.

MrsBLB
by Missi on Jul. 25, 2013 at 2:22 PM

I totally agree with this.

Quoting Barabell:

Every household need to have some kind of rules to respect the other person living there. I'm sure you and your husband have some things you do to respect each other's wishes, even if they aren't written out.

My thought is to have a family meeting when your son gets there to discuss how the household normally operates (i.e., schedules, chores, etc.) and how him living there will fit into that mix. I would treat my 18 year old more like an adult and would let them contribute to that discussion and try to come to consensus agreements between the whole family.

In other words, I would have a family meeting to discuss living together, but I wouldn't lay out rules to be followed that would be similar to a chore sheet or classroom rules, like you might with a younger child.


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