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I just found out that my 14yrold is having sex and I was furious at her. So my 19 yr old niece took her to the client to see if she was pregnant or not and come to found out that she is not . My question is .What would you do If you found out that your teen is having sex .
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 1:06 AM
Replies (41-50):
JessicaR7
by Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 7:16 AM
Stats are only good if teens respond honestly. Without a link to the data, it does not hold much weight. It's not a justification, it's about comforting this mom and giving her advice on what she can do right now. I said once a teen has sex it is likely they will do it again, I wasn't speaking in absolutes. Burying your head in the sand does not help this mom. Apparently your need to be right supercedes any empathy or willingness to give this mom advice on where to go from here. Way to turn a benign and encouraging comment into something that fits your agenda. Instead of attacking my advice, why don't you come up with a plan for this mom.



Quoting bizzeemom2717:Nope 14 NOT even close to average. See my pp only 6% of 15 year olds have had sex. So not ok to use the "it's average" card as any type of justification. Also I have to disagree, a teen can make a mistake and learn from it. Just because they had sex once and made a mistake...BIG one if only 14 def doesn't mean there is no turning back, they can't learn from that mistake and not continue to repeat it. Good grief!

Quoting JessicaR7:You can't really undo what is already done.  Unfortunately, 14 is probably the average these days.  Sometimes no matter what we try to teach our kids they can still disappoint us by making bad choices.  I'd ask her if she loves this boy, what made her want to have sex now, did she think she was going to lose him if she didn't, and how does she feel now after having sex.  Then I'd go into how her body is physically ready to have sex but emotionally and mentally this isn't something she is prepared for because it is a grown up act.  Let her know you are worried about her heart and about her being hurt as a result of having sex too young.  Of course talk about pregnancy, STDs, and STDs that aren't curable and life threatening.  I would go ahead and get her on birth control and buy her condoms.  Explain the importance of using both.  Once a teen is sexually active, it's like they will do it again because they don't associate a stigma with it.  I'm sorry momma, I know you must be having a rough day but trust me, other mom's have dealt with the same stuff before.  It doesn't say anything about you, your parenting, or your daughter.  I'm sending you a big internet hug!
atlmom2
by Susie on Jul. 30, 2013 at 7:34 AM
I have to agree, just because some teens are doing it so young is not a justification. Also some teens do stop and don't have it again till later. Supervision is key here.


Quoting JessicaR7:

Stats are only good if teens respond honestly. Without a link to the data, it does not hold much weight. It's not a justification, it's about comforting this mom and giving her advice on what she can do right now. I said once a teen has sex it is likely they will do it again, I wasn't speaking in absolutes. Burying your head in the sand does not help this mom. Apparently your need to be right supercedes any empathy or willingness to give this mom advice on where to go from here. Way to turn a benign and encouraging comment into something that fits your agenda. Instead of attacking my advice, why don't you come up with a plan for this mom.







Quoting bizzeemom2717:Nope 14 NOT even close to average. See my pp only 6% of 15 year olds have had sex. So not ok to use the "it's average" card as any type of justification. Also I have to disagree, a teen can make a mistake and learn from it. Just because they had sex once and made a mistake...BIG one if only 14 def doesn't mean there is no turning back, they can't learn from that mistake and not continue to repeat it. Good grief!



Quoting JessicaR7:You can't really undo what is already done.  Unfortunately, 14 is probably the average these days.  Sometimes no matter what we try to teach our kids they can still disappoint us by making bad choices.  I'd ask her if she loves this boy, what made her want to have sex now, did she think she was going to lose him if she didn't, and how does she feel now after having sex.  Then I'd go into how her body is physically ready to have sex but emotionally and mentally this isn't something she is prepared for because it is a grown up act.  Let her know you are worried about her heart and about her being hurt as a result of having sex too young.  Of course talk about pregnancy, STDs, and STDs that aren't curable and life threatening.  I would go ahead and get her on birth control and buy her condoms.  Explain the importance of using both.  Once a teen is sexually active, it's like they will do it again because they don't associate a stigma with it.  I'm sorry momma, I know you must be having a rough day but trust me, other mom's have dealt with the same stuff before.  It doesn't say anything about you, your parenting, or your daughter.  I'm sending you a big internet hug!


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hhhanna
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 9:12 AM

 And I'm glad it worked out for you.  There is a large population of girls who do the 'walk out the backdoor' mode that you did and end up as prostitutes, drug addicts, etc.  My job is to teach/show my kids that there are consequences for your actions.  The consequences that I impose are a lot less harsh that the consequences that they will find in the real world.  Part of my job (as I see it) is to teach them that lesson before or in place of the lesson that life and the world will teach them.

Many children are NOT wanted.  The parents DON'T care what the child does, with whom, or where or whatever.  I've seen these kids, it's bad.  If I didn't care, then I'd let the child do whatever the child is going to do and let the school of hard knocks do the teaching - some kids don't survive that school.

Again, I'm happy that you came out fine.  There was a good chance that you would not have.  I will work very hard to teach lessons that the child will understand but where the learning curve isn't so steep.  Would I have called the cops if my child had walked out ... yes.  Again, I'd rather have her in a jail cell or group home rather than living on the streets and fending for herself, a child in a world made for (and by) grownups. 


Quoting HilbillyMamaof3:

My parents done this. Want to know how well it worked? I walked out the back door of the school and went across the country for 2 months came back to my home town, and moved out. Kids run away everyday, do you really want your child to live on the streets??

 


 

lakerfan420
by Jamie on Jul. 30, 2013 at 10:33 AM
How can you call it meaningless when you don't even know them? I know teen relationships lasting are rare, but they do stand the chance of that happening and have definitely had their struggles. And you know what, they could potentially break up someday and that won't make their relationship any less special. They purposely don't want to get married until after college, and I support them in that. If they make it great, I'll have an awesome sil who I would be proud to have as a part of my family. If they don't, at least they'll have some great memories and they know what they want in someone special. You honestly don't know these two so of course it's hard to grasp, and I can accept that. I look at their peers and they are definitely the exception, so why hold them back? And again, just because they have had sex doesn't mean they do it all the time and that's all they do. They really try hard not to act on their instincts and they genuinely just enjoy each other's company. We were in CA on vacation a few weeks back and there were two separate instances where they were left alone in the hotel room and could have had sex if they wanted. They were already sharing a bed as is so easy access if desired. All they did was cuddle and they were proud of themselves for abstaining. Again, they've done it only a few times and really do plenty of things other than have sex. That doesn't make the few times they have had while fully committed to each other meaningless. Honestly, I consider that more meaningful than someone of any age just having random casual sex. Just my honest opinion, to each his own and good for your girls for waiting. You be proud of them and I'll be proud of mine, and hopefully they all find happiness in their lives. That's what we're all after, some just take different paths to get there.


Quoting atlmom2:

Meaningless sex? Yes, it is. She won't stay with this guy.. That is what kids don't understand. A teen relationship is not gonna last but in rare instances. Then she moves on to someone else? My dd had a boyfriend senior year. She is so glad they never had sex. It didn't last longer than 11 months. She said she would have regretted giving him her virginity. These kids that start at 13, 14 have multiple partners by the end of hs. Ewwwww, gross.

Quoting lakerfan420:

Ok, I'll be the odd one out. My 15 year old started having sex with her bf of 17 mos back in March. We have had many talks, and she was already on bc since they got together. Once the talks became more serious and they knew they were close, she switched to depo just in case she ever forgot to take a pill. I don't have a problem with them having sex (just as I wouldn't have had a problem with them continuing to wait either) that's their choice but I definitely want them to be safe. They're not forced to sneak around, and ironically they've only done it a handful of times. We are still close and have a very open relationship with each other, and I love that. And he's almost like a part of the family and potentially could be some day. I'm sure knowing both teens very well along with their intentions and goals for their futures has helped put my mind at ease. While I condone the two of them, I would never allow meaningless sex with multiple partners, which I've seen far too many of her old friends do, hence why most of them are old friends.



HilbillyMamaof3
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 10:39 AM
1 mom liked this
I think those facts depends on the area you live in. I know we have an extremely high teenage pregnancy/child poverty rate- I fully believe the two go hand in hand.Average may not have been the correct term, but I know in both of our girls schools it's much higher than 6%

Mine are going into 8th grade and there have all ready been 9 girls have babies. One has had two, and my daughter said just last night three more have become pregnant over the summer. Who knows how many are having abortions.

It's never OK because everyone else is doing it (no matter what the topic is) but it's not the end of the world and acting like a lunatic is not going to help the problem, IMHO. I think that over reacting seems to cause more problems than it solves. Regardless of average or not, it is happening and did happen to the OP. She shouldn't think her child is a freak of nature, because she is not. You just have to deal with the cards you have been dealt and make the best of it.








Quoting bizzeemom2717:

Omg 14 is NOT average now! People who just assume they know statistics I just don't understand? Maybe it's reality in their world so they just spout off random incorrect facts. These are the correct FACTS. http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-ATSRH.html. Only 6% of teens age 15 have had sex...SIX percent. So. 14 is not average. It's not ok to justify this as ok because it's "average or normal" when you look at the facts.



Quoting HilbillyMamaof3:

My parents done this. Want to know how well it worked? I walked out the back door of the school and went across the country for 2 months came back to my home town, and moved out. Kids run away everyday, do you really want your child to live on the streets??





You can only control your kids until they are aware that you can't. The only thing you are doing, is proving you're psycho. What are you going to do then? Call the police, have them arrested? Put them in a group home or girls school because they had sex? Ultimately ruin their life. Get a grip.





I'm 34, I have a beautiful family, a nice home that we own. Our kids are involved in sports, make good grades. My husband has a good job, I did until I decided to leave to go to school a couple of years ago. Even though I had sex young- and became a mother young my life was not ruined, made harder but not ruined.





My children are taught the risk before. Sex is natural, its mire than likely going to happen before marriage. 14 is young, but average now. I would hate for our DDs to come home with this news, but we would deal with it like adults not raving lunatics. I feel sorry for your kids.






Quoting hhhanna:

What would I do??  You mean besides stepping up supervision to where I knew when she breathed and exactly how deep a breath she took?




She wouldn't be able to blink without me knowing it.  Door comes off the bedroom.  Privileges are completely revoked.  I will be sitting next to her in school and knowing where she is every second of the day.  I WOULD find a way to do this - my daughter wasn't having sex but she started skipping school and getting bad grades, wanna guess how quickly that turned around after I attended school with her (sitting next to her in her classrooms) for a week?



Softnbeautiful
by New Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 10:48 AM
1 mom liked this
Realistic, good advice


Quoting shansa3fan:

Talk about safe sex and why we practice it. Put her on birth control, the one that you don't have to rely on her to keep it effective. Mirena and Depo, yes but the pill? No way will I trust her. I was in your shoes. She's 19 now and not pregnant. There's no point in carrying on about abstinance because it's over. Discuss that it's still an option though and that there's reasons why teens should not be having sex. Point out disease that could lead to sterilization and even death. Once you have sex with someone, you just had sex with absolutely everyone else they ever had sex with. And so on, and so on and so on. Good luck. I was so pissed off I could barely talk to her. After all the talks and open door talking, she didn't have sense enough to protect herself and THAT'S why you're not mature enough to handle a sexual relationship. 


JessicaR7
by Member on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:18 AM
Geez you moms really take something and run with it. Can no one comprehend my original comment? I said 14 was probably the average these days. I did not say it was the average, I did not say it was a justification for kids having sex...I said it so this mom would know she isn't alone and that her daughter isn't the first 14 year old girl to disappoint her parents and have sex. I realize a girl can have one sexual experience to find out it isn't for her and not do it again until much later. My belief is that is the exception. And since the sex act can't be undone it's best to make sure the child is educated on safe sex practices. So, mom doesn't become a grandma before she is ready. Supervision is key to preventing sex? Why? Because every mom is a stay at home mom and is with their children 24/7, monitoring every choice they make, not allowing them to make any mistakes. I thought you were the mom, not too long ago, telling me you had more freedom at 16 than my daughter had at 18. At least I offered this mom some conversation starters to have with her daughter. At best you ladies have offered statistics but no real advice or plan.


Quoting atlmom2:

I have to agree, just because some teens are doing it so young is not a justification. Also some teens do stop and don't have it again till later. Supervision is key here.




Quoting JessicaR7:

Stats are only good if teens respond honestly. Without a link to the data, it does not hold much weight. It's not a justification, it's about comforting this mom and giving her advice on what she can do right now. I said once a teen has sex it is likely they will do it again, I wasn't speaking in absolutes. Burying your head in the sand does not help this mom. Apparently your need to be right supercedes any empathy or willingness to give this mom advice on where to go from here. Way to turn a benign and encouraging comment into something that fits your agenda. Instead of attacking my advice, why don't you come up with a plan for this mom.











Quoting bizzeemom2717:Nope 14 NOT even close to average. See my pp only 6% of 15 year olds have had sex. So not ok to use the "it's average" card as any type of justification. Also I have to disagree, a teen can make a mistake and learn from it. Just because they had sex once and made a mistake...BIG one if only 14 def doesn't mean there is no turning back, they can't learn from that mistake and not continue to repeat it. Good grief!





Quoting JessicaR7:You can't really undo what is already done.  Unfortunately, 14 is probably the average these days.  Sometimes no matter what we try to teach our kids they can still disappoint us by making bad choices.  I'd ask her if she loves this boy, what made her want to have sex now, did she think she was going to lose him if she didn't, and how does she feel now after having sex.  Then I'd go into how her body is physically ready to have sex but emotionally and mentally this isn't something she is prepared for because it is a grown up act.  Let her know you are worried about her heart and about her being hurt as a result of having sex too young.  Of course talk about pregnancy, STDs, and STDs that aren't curable and life threatening.  I would go ahead and get her on birth control and buy her condoms.  Explain the importance of using both.  Once a teen is sexually active, it's like they will do it again because they don't associate a stigma with it.  I'm sorry momma, I know you must be having a rough day but trust me, other mom's have dealt with the same stuff before.  It doesn't say anything about you, your parenting, or your daughter.  I'm sending you a big internet hug!




HilbillyMamaof3
by on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:21 AM
As a parent you have to make choices. Some kids do well under that type of supervision, some walk out the back door. My parents did call the police. My parents done things the way you did. I wouldn't push my kids out like that. But that is me, and you have to do what is best for you. I was just pointing out that your way doesn't always work either, it can backfire.

I'm very aware of the stats of a runaway. I'm also aware of the life of those raised in the system. It is also rarely good. I know I have been blessed, God has always taken care of me. Most came from horrific home life's, I can say that I didn't. My parents went crazy and acted like lunatics when I started to rebel, but they weren't/aren't bad people- I was a horrible teenager, I pushed no matter what. I was difficult and bound to do what I wanted, but when my parents flipped because I had sex- which I went to my mom and asked to be on bc, I wasn't going to be treated that way. I have always been strong willed, and would have went to jail opposed to listening to their shit, that's just who I am. It has served me well through out my life so far, my strong will has gotten me into sticky situations and got me out of far more.

I'm just saying that not every rebellious teen is going to end up in a life of poverty, and not every teen is going to respond like you hope they do to that kind of control. She had sex, not murdered someone.

Kids also need to know how to deal with real life, mom won't always be there. They have to learn how to make good decisions without you, and how to pick up the pieces when they don't. They need to make good decisions because they want to, not out of fear of you.


Quoting hhhanna:

 And I'm glad it worked out for you.  There is a large population of girls who do the 'walk out the backdoor' mode that you did and end up as prostitutes, drug addicts, etc.  My job is to teach/show my kids that there are consequences for your actions.  The consequences that I impose are a lot less harsh that the consequences that they will find in the real world.  Part of my job (as I see it) is to teach them that lesson before or in place of the lesson that life and the world will teach them.


Many children are NOT wanted.  The parents DON'T care what the child does, with whom, or where or whatever.  I've seen these kids, it's bad.  If I didn't care, then I'd let the child do whatever the child is going to do and let the school of hard knocks do the teaching - some kids don't survive that school.


Again, I'm happy that you came out fine.  There was a good chance that you would not have.  I will work very hard to teach lessons that the child will understand but where the learning curve isn't so steep.  Would I have called the cops if my child had walked out ... yes.  Again, I'd rather have her in a jail cell or group home rather than living on the streets and fending for herself, a child in a world made for (and by) grownups. 




Quoting HilbillyMamaof3:

My parents done this. Want to know how well it worked? I walked out the back door of the school and went across the country for 2 months came back to my home town, and moved out. Kids run away everyday, do you really want your child to live on the streets??


 



 


MrsBLB
by Missi on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:27 AM

Heck yeah!

Quoting trying2survive:

At 14 this would be a huge violation of trust. Dating is not allowed until 15 and that would mean she had been lying about her activities in the first place. It would be house arrest after that and it would take a lot to earn her freedom back.


MrsBLB
by Missi on Jul. 30, 2013 at 11:29 AM

I totally agree with this.

Quoting MissMelanieC:

 Have a LONG talk with her about the consequences that come out of having sex like pregnancy, STDs, STIs and all the emotions involved with it. I would search her room, go thru her phone and any other electronics to make sure she wasn't hiding anything else. Depending on how our talks went I would decide from there what was the next action. My DD is 13 so my heart goes out to you.


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