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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

17 yr old DD, Won't come home unless she is treated like an adult

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My daughter is 17 and has not ben home for 5 days this time.  I say this time becuase she has left home many time before and I have filed her missing with the local police many time.  This time however I did not contact the police because I know she is with friends and I do recevie a text either from her or her friend to see if she is okay.  

She says she will not come home unless she is treated like an adult.  I say when you start acting like and adult you will be treated like one.  Leaving home is not how you get what you want.  I just took her to get her first tatoo not 2 days prior to her leaving, something small she has wanted for years and meaningful to her.

We have a history of not getting along, becasue she is rude, disrespectful, irresponsibile and has no regard for rules or authority.  We have tries the conseling numerous times for her drug and alcohol use and to no avail.  her drug of choice pot and I find bottles of coke mixed with booze in her room.   She complains she is almost and adult and I shoiuld not be going through her room and grounding her anymore or shutting her phone off.  I reply what planet are your on thinking you can say what I as a parent can and can not do.  This is my house my rules.  I don't trust her.  She lies so much that I don't believe anything she says, I can't tell the truth from a lie anymore.

My rules are simple, - be home by curfew, it's summer so midnight, don't lie to me (which she does constantly), Be responsible and pick up after yourself, her room is like a scene from hoarders,  Earn my respect by doing these thing and you be treating the same.  Problem is she expects it without earning it.

She does have a job and when the subject of paying rent comes up she is if I pay rent then I have no rules to follow.  

Long story short, I am exhausted from this behavior and and I have told her she will be grounded and have no cell phone if she comes back home because she refused to even let me know for days if she was okay.  How do I discipline her, Should I ground her or should I do something else, she does not drive yet, so I can't take the keys and she says "why should I come back home to be grounded and have no phone".  

It's actully a lot nicer and less stressful when she is not at home and I feel horrible for saying that, but it's true.  I am waiting to see now how long before she misses the comforts of home and realizes what she is missing.  How long do I wait?  she sneaks in when I am at work to shower and get cloths  I am a single parent and S T R E S S E D!  she is the epitimy of a defiant teen....

Help


by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 8:50 AM
Replies (11-20):
lovemymichael
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:22 PM

Where is she staying??

Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:24 PM
3 moms liked this


Quoting boys2men2soon:

That would not fly with me.    She is a runaway, you have not kicked her out of the house, so it seems to me that you can't be held responsible for her actions?     

I would tell her you understand her position and if she changes her mind, she can come home and you will give her a key.    Pack up her things an place them on the front porch.    Change the locks.

Yes, I don't see how changing the locks would mean you're kicking her out. Contact her in text or email so that you have proof that you communicated that she can come home if it comes into question.

I think you've been too lenient on her. My son has been doing his own laundry since he was a tween, and you give it to her as part of her punishment? It's a responsibility, not a punishment. 

If I was in your place, I'd be laying down the law. You need to regain control instead of letting her act the way she wants. I'd probably be taking EVERYTHING away and making her earn it back. If she slips up, then she loses things again.

zacmacsmomm
by Bronze Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 1:16 PM

 Ditto!


Quoting atlmom2:

This


Quoting 02nana07:

 Tell her fine she pays rent charge her what rent is in the real world and she is responsible for her own food and cooking it or she can eat with you but she has to pay for her meals. 


If she wants to go anywhere she pays gas or buys her own car and insurance.


Her cell phone is her bill not yours. 


 Let her see how much it cost to be an adult with no rules.



 

TexanMomOf6
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 1:36 PM
2 moms liked this

Quoting 1lv2stks3nlz4ev:

She pays rent. She buys, prepares and cleans up after her own meals.Cut off the cell phone. And she has to keep her room and bathroom space up to health codes according to the landlord and tenant act.  She pays all her own bills. If she uses your car, that stops or she can rent it by the day from you and she pays for the gas she uses too.  Preferably she gets her own car and insurance.

You will have to let go of curfew and chores. If she can't deal with those terms, she moves out. See how she likes being an "adult" then.

 


All this PLUS quiet time from 10pm to 6am, PLUS no guests during quiet time, PLUS if rent is not paid in manner decreed (specify date and amount due) interest will be charged and if she gets more than (time period) behind in rent she will no longer (be allowed company over, be able to use car other than to go to work....pick something) PLUS inform her that illegal activities will not be permitted in your home. The police will be called. Put it all in a contract, both of you sign it in front of a Notary. Stick to it. Tough Love works.
arsjncmom
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 9:33 PM
1 mom liked this
Oh, she wants to be treated like an adult? Ok. First, she works...she can pay her own cell bill and can save up for her own car/insurance. She can also do her own laundry. Seriously? I don't even wash my 14yr olds laundry. That's his chore. I don't know how it is in your state, but here 17yr olds don't really abide by curfew. My oldest could come and go as he pleased, however he worked, helped pay for his stuff. I didn't pay for his cell. The drug/alcohol thing needs to stop. I would let her suffer the legal consequences on that. But, this is just me.
luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 11:55 PM

You aren't going to be locking her out of the house if you change the locks, there is no law saying she has to have the key to the house? You aren't even kicking her out, you are asking her to make a choice about where she wants to live and what she wants to do. At 17, no one will really do anything, they can in almost every state leave if they chose to. 

Talk through tect, and keep all of the messages, that way if she want to play that game you will have all of the proof. 

Quoting alaskamoms:

The consequences I have given in the past consist of grounding (usually a day to a week depending on the circumstance) and shutting off her phone.  Not taking or picking her up from work, not doing her laundry (but as I type this I am doing some now..   ugh) not picking up after her.  Cutting her curfew time when she is late, not buying her anything since she has a job.  Her response, "these have not worked in the past so why do you keep giving them to me", then she will ingore everything and do what she wants to do.  

She says her not coming home is her "standing her groung" really?  Again my house my rules.  I would change the locks, but child protective services says I must provide a roof over her head until she is 18, so I can't really change the locks.  She would say I kicked her out and would not let her come home.  She can be manipulative when it serves her purpose. 

confused and fustrated.........


02nana07
by Ida on Jul. 29, 2013 at 12:40 AM
1 mom liked this

 True a roof over her head I would take everything  out of her room just leaving a bed and dresser and her clothes.  Donate or sell everything else she deserves nothing. 

 If you catch her drinking or doing drugs call the police and have her arrested take pics as proof.

Don't do her laundry or cook for her she needs a parent and you are not acting like one now you are trying to be her friend.  You said you are doing her laundry she has enough friends she needs a parent it is time for tough love. 

I would let her friends parents know they are being watched and you will report them if it is found she is doing drugs or drinking there because it is illegal

Quoting alaskamoms:

The consequences I have given in the past consist of grounding (usually a day to a week depending on the circumstance) and shutting off her phone.  Not taking or picking her up from work, not doing her laundry (but as I type this I am doing some now..   ugh) not picking up after her.  Cutting her curfew time when she is late, not buying her anything since she has a job.  Her response, "these have not worked in the past so why do you keep giving them to me", then she will ingore everything and do what she wants to do.  

She says her not coming home is her "standing her groung" really?  Again my house my rules.  I would change the locks, but child protective services says I must provide a roof over her head until she is 18, so I can't really change the locks.  She would say I kicked her out and would not let her come home.  She can be manipulative when it serves her purpose. 

confused and fustrated.........

 

KW1280
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 12:47 AM
You took the words right out of my mouth


Quoting 02nana07:

 Tell her fine she pays rent charge her what rent is in the real world and she is responsible for her own food and cooking it or she can eat with you but she has to pay for her meals. 


If she wants to go anywhere she pays gas or buys her own car and insurance.


Her cell phone is her bill not yours. 


 Let her see how much it cost to be an adult with no rules.


gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 1:09 AM

The hell with bringing her home. She needs to go into REHAB. 

alaskamoms
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 8:02 AM

So what happens if she pays rent for awhile and then says she can't becuase she needed other things.  Again, I can't evict her because she is still a minor.  I have spoken to her and brought up the subject of rent, It's hard as a parent to let the curfew go.  But I guess I must if she agrees to my rent.  I just think after a few weeks when school starts (she is a senior) things will change and she won't pay. 

 

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