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17 yr old DD, Won't come home unless she is treated like an adult

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My daughter is 17 and has not ben home for 5 days this time.  I say this time becuase she has left home many time before and I have filed her missing with the local police many time.  This time however I did not contact the police because I know she is with friends and I do recevie a text either from her or her friend to see if she is okay.  

She says she will not come home unless she is treated like an adult.  I say when you start acting like and adult you will be treated like one.  Leaving home is not how you get what you want.  I just took her to get her first tatoo not 2 days prior to her leaving, something small she has wanted for years and meaningful to her.

We have a history of not getting along, becasue she is rude, disrespectful, irresponsibile and has no regard for rules or authority.  We have tries the conseling numerous times for her drug and alcohol use and to no avail.  her drug of choice pot and I find bottles of coke mixed with booze in her room.   She complains she is almost and adult and I shoiuld not be going through her room and grounding her anymore or shutting her phone off.  I reply what planet are your on thinking you can say what I as a parent can and can not do.  This is my house my rules.  I don't trust her.  She lies so much that I don't believe anything she says, I can't tell the truth from a lie anymore.

My rules are simple, - be home by curfew, it's summer so midnight, don't lie to me (which she does constantly), Be responsible and pick up after yourself, her room is like a scene from hoarders,  Earn my respect by doing these thing and you be treating the same.  Problem is she expects it without earning it.

She does have a job and when the subject of paying rent comes up she is if I pay rent then I have no rules to follow.  

Long story short, I am exhausted from this behavior and and I have told her she will be grounded and have no cell phone if she comes back home because she refused to even let me know for days if she was okay.  How do I discipline her, Should I ground her or should I do something else, she does not drive yet, so I can't take the keys and she says "why should I come back home to be grounded and have no phone".  

It's actully a lot nicer and less stressful when she is not at home and I feel horrible for saying that, but it's true.  I am waiting to see now how long before she misses the comforts of home and realizes what she is missing.  How long do I wait?  she sneaks in when I am at work to shower and get cloths  I am a single parent and S T R E S S E D!  she is the epitimy of a defiant teen....

Help


by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 8:50 AM
Replies (21-30):
luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:19 AM

The law says that you must provide a roof over her head, some food in her belly, and the basics of necessities. It does not require you to do much more then that. 

If she wants to play games then let her, she doesn't have to have the best, she doesn't have to have a room full of furniture and extra's she can have a mattress and a pillow with a blanket. 

Again, it's not illegal to lock the door at a certain time of night, she does not need a key, if she knows she needs to be home by a certain time and isn't then that falls on her. The doors will open again at X time, she's free to enter then. You are not locking her out.

saraadria
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:31 AM
1 mom liked this

You're getting the kid tattoos and wonder why she has no respect for you?  Jesus.

MrsBLB
by Missi on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:36 AM

I agree

Quoting 02nana07:

 Tell her fine she pays rent charge her what rent is in the real world and she is responsible for her own food and cooking it or she can eat with you but she has to pay for her meals. 

If she wants to go anywhere she pays gas or buys her own car and insurance.

Her cell phone is her bill not yours. 

 Let her see how much it cost to be an adult with no rules.


MrsBLB
by Missi on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:37 AM

I agree 

Quoting luckysevenwow:

The law says that you must provide a roof over her head, some food in her belly, and the basics of necessities. It does not require you to do much more then that. 

If she wants to play games then let her, she doesn't have to have the best, she doesn't have to have a room full of furniture and extra's she can have a mattress and a pillow with a blanket. 

Again, it's not illegal to lock the door at a certain time of night, she does not need a key, if she knows she needs to be home by a certain time and isn't then that falls on her. The doors will open again at X time, she's free to enter then. You are not locking her out.


MrsBLB
by Missi on Jul. 29, 2013 at 9:39 AM

All good points here.

Quoting arsjncmom:

Oh, she wants to be treated like an adult? Ok. First, she works...she can pay her own cell bill and can save up for her own car/insurance. She can also do her own laundry. Seriously? I don't even wash my 14yr olds laundry. That's his chore. I don't know how it is in your state, but here 17yr olds don't really abide by curfew. My oldest could come and go as he pleased, however he worked, helped pay for his stuff. I didn't pay for his cell. The drug/alcohol thing needs to stop. I would let her suffer the legal consequences on that. But, this is just me.


Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 29, 2013 at 10:17 AM

Great advice.

Quoting luckysevenwow:

The law says that you must provide a roof over her head, some food in her belly, and the basics of necessities. It does not require you to do much more then that. 

If she wants to play games then let her, she doesn't have to have the best, she doesn't have to have a room full of furniture and extra's she can have a mattress and a pillow with a blanket. 

Again, it's not illegal to lock the door at a certain time of night, she does not need a key, if she knows she needs to be home by a certain time and isn't then that falls on her. The doors will open again at X time, she's free to enter then. You are not locking her out.


JessicaR7
by Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 12:45 PM

Oh honey do I sympathize and know all too well what you are dealing with.  There is a great website called http://www.empoweringparents.com/ and there is a great program called The Total Transformation Parenting Program by James Lehman.  The website is free, the parenting CD's cost money.

You are absolutely right not to allow her to manipulate you by this little ploy to gain freedom.  Let's face it, she isn't using the freedom she has right now in a responsible way...she is being self destructive. 

Every child has a currency.  Does she have a car?  If so, take it away.  Does she have a cell phone?  If she won't give it to you, cut off the service.  Do a clean sweep of her room while she gone and remove everything related to drugs or alcohol.  Don't feel bad about saying life is easier with her gone...I get it, these kids take everything out of you emotionally and physically.  You could change the locks to prevent her from gaining access to the house.  I know you are a single mom so I don't know if you have access to a lot of money or can afford it but Turn-About Ranch in Utah is a 100 day program for $43,000.  That doesn't include travel to the ranch for admission, the 3 day visit at mid-termn, and the 2 day visit at graduation. It's like hitting the reset button on your child.  They are striped of all the luxuries they are accustomed to and they are brought back down to reality.  They deal with behavioral, drug, and alcohol related issues of entitled teens.  If you have access to money from your 401K use it and you can also get a loan from CRC Health...they offer loans for situations like these.  If your ex-husband is in the picture he can contribute as well.  I know it's a lot of money but the results are worth it.  My husband was leary of sending our daughter and said this is her money for college.  I told him the path our daughter was currently on was not geared toward college so that was a moot point.

I'd do this because I have done this.  I'd drag her ass back home.  If she fights you, threatens to run away, threatens to kill herself, or kill you...tell her to get in the car and drive her to a mental health hospital.  (Call these hospitals ahead of time to see if they have a bed).  I like to keep three in my surrounding area in my phone. Basically, you are calling her bluff on her threats in order to manipulate and following through shows her you will not tolerate that bs.  While she is admitted look into long-term residental treatment programs.  I find that Aspen Education offers the best but they are private, don't work with insurance, they are costly but they offer results.  You can also look into wilderness programs but I find a lot of kids are in and out of these programs before going the Aspen route. 

In regard to parenting programs, I do like the Total Transformation, the website will give you a lot of info.  She doesn't realize that she has no choice in being grounded and having no phone....being grounded is a consequence for her bad behavior and she earned that based on her bad choices.  Honestly, I went through all of this last summer with my husband by my side...I imagine you are stressed beyond belief.  Is it possible for your ex to come and stay with you temporarily as you need a lot of support right now?  I feel for you...I really do.

Also, look into recovery high schools in your area as well.  They can generally direct you to treatment facilities in your area.  Also, my experience was the treatment plans backed by insurance did not yield the results that private facilities did.  And I wanted the best treatment for my kid.  I used to tell her, "I miss you...I don't miss your behavior but I miss you".  You have to seperate the child from the behavior and it's hard watching them take a self-destructive route.  I wish you the best...from the bottom of my heart...I've been there and you can turn it around even at 17.

Read up on Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) the website I recommended has articles on how to deal with these kids as well.  Based on what I read, you seem to be the type of mom who isn't afraid to define rules and enforce them.  I don't view you as a permissive parent.  I view your daughter as rebellious and defiant.  And ODD kids are not a result of bad parenting.  If anything kids who present challenges, challenge us to be better parents.

FindersKeepers
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 3:22 PM

In our state a teen can emancipate themselves at 17.    My niece was acting much as you describe your DD when she was that age.   My SIL had had it with her and niece moved out.    Since we wanted her to graduate HS, we found her and said that if she followed OUR rules she could live with us rent free until she graduated from HS.   Our rules were basically treating her like an adult roommate living under our roof.   She was not to be a bad example for our kids, how to pay her own way, and clean up after herself.  

When she first moved in, I set her up with some basic furnishings and toiletries then had the "this is it" talk.  "You made an adult choice to leave your parent's house so you now need to make adult choices and manage you life.   Get a job, pay for you own things, get yourself to work and school on time, keep your living environment clean, be respectful of our family and house."    It was tough love.  I would hear her crying in her room sometimes because she was overwhelmed, but it set her on a good path to getting her life figured out.   

My point for you is... If you DD has outgrown being treated like a child, then fine... stop treating her like a child.   Being an adult is not free or easy.    Stop paying for anything for her and let her figure it out on her own.    If she wants to come back to being taken care of, then take her back.... but the cost is following the rules.   It does not matter if you are 17 or 27.... it does not matter if it is your parents or a landlord.... if you live under someone else's roof, then you follow their rules.   It would be a valuable lesson for her to learn.

FindersKeepers
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 3:30 PM

IMO teens should be doing their own laundry and cleaning their own room/bathroom anyway.  


Quoting alaskamoms:

The consequences I have given in the past consist of grounding (usually a day to a week depending on the circumstance) and shutting off her phone.  Not taking or picking her up from work, not doing her laundry (but as I type this I am doing some now..   ugh) not picking up after her.  Cutting her curfew time when she is late, not buying her anything since she has a job.  Her response, "these have not worked in the past so why do you keep giving them to me", then she will ingore everything and do what she wants to do.  

She says her not coming home is her "standing her groung" really?  Again my house my rules.  I would change the locks, but child protective services says I must provide a roof over her head until she is 18, so I can't really change the locks.  She would say I kicked her out and would not let her come home.  She can be manipulative when it serves her purpose. 

confused and fustrated.........


 

ejwhite_99
by Bronze Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 4:35 PM

Sounds like you have all the advice you need.  I've always said, let grown folks be grown.  If your daughter wants to be grown, then let her.  Do what everyone else in here has already said.  I tell me 17yo all the time, "the real world is not as easy as you think it is."  I tell him, "You are in for a very rude awakening..............."

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