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17 yr old DD, Won't come home unless she is treated like an adult

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My daughter is 17 and has not ben home for 5 days this time.  I say this time becuase she has left home many time before and I have filed her missing with the local police many time.  This time however I did not contact the police because I know she is with friends and I do recevie a text either from her or her friend to see if she is okay.  

She says she will not come home unless she is treated like an adult.  I say when you start acting like and adult you will be treated like one.  Leaving home is not how you get what you want.  I just took her to get her first tatoo not 2 days prior to her leaving, something small she has wanted for years and meaningful to her.

We have a history of not getting along, becasue she is rude, disrespectful, irresponsibile and has no regard for rules or authority.  We have tries the conseling numerous times for her drug and alcohol use and to no avail.  her drug of choice pot and I find bottles of coke mixed with booze in her room.   She complains she is almost and adult and I shoiuld not be going through her room and grounding her anymore or shutting her phone off.  I reply what planet are your on thinking you can say what I as a parent can and can not do.  This is my house my rules.  I don't trust her.  She lies so much that I don't believe anything she says, I can't tell the truth from a lie anymore.

My rules are simple, - be home by curfew, it's summer so midnight, don't lie to me (which she does constantly), Be responsible and pick up after yourself, her room is like a scene from hoarders,  Earn my respect by doing these thing and you be treating the same.  Problem is she expects it without earning it.

She does have a job and when the subject of paying rent comes up she is if I pay rent then I have no rules to follow.  

Long story short, I am exhausted from this behavior and and I have told her she will be grounded and have no cell phone if she comes back home because she refused to even let me know for days if she was okay.  How do I discipline her, Should I ground her or should I do something else, she does not drive yet, so I can't take the keys and she says "why should I come back home to be grounded and have no phone".  

It's actully a lot nicer and less stressful when she is not at home and I feel horrible for saying that, but it's true.  I am waiting to see now how long before she misses the comforts of home and realizes what she is missing.  How long do I wait?  she sneaks in when I am at work to shower and get cloths  I am a single parent and S T R E S S E D!  she is the epitimy of a defiant teen....


by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 8:50 AM
Replies (31-32):
by on Jul. 29, 2013 at 7:34 PM

I really appreciated all the advice good and bad.  It has been a wake up call me that I need to stand firm and give a dose of touch love and not cave into my maternal instincts.  I went to my local police station and they were very helpful and gave me some advice to before having to family court option.  I bagged up all the clothes I washed and put them in my car.  If she wants them then she can contact me to talk.  I changed her computer password and her phone is on lockdown except to call me or 911.  I also hid all the laundry detergant and bathroom supplies so she can't sneak in and use my house like a hotel.  She said she would pay rent, and then wants to be able to come and go as she pleases without any word from me.  She was also told she would have to get her own cell phone and pay her own way for everything including school stuff.  She said she could not afford 60 p/week and have money to do pay for other things.

so we are still at a standstil.

by Silver Member on Jul. 29, 2013 at 11:17 PM

She is definately acting more like a 14 yo.  I would let her know that her phone, insurance, etc...  will be cut off.  Change the locks.  Draw up a lease, even in real life, those  are a list of rules by the landlord. 

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