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Am I asking too much of my 18 year old?

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My oldest daughter attended a short CNA program, she graduated yesterday and needs me to take care of the remaining balance of $800 on her loan (The first $1,000) was paid for by my Dad. -Well, she doesn't speak to me, has blocked me on facebook and honestly doesn't show me an interest in having a relationship with me. She moved out of my house last August to live with her Dad. So I don't see much of her either.

I went to her graduation and she didn't even say two words when I gave her, her gift.I am still willing to pay the $800 because it was for education. However, I would like her come to my house once a week and do housework, babysit her younger siblings, or just help me out with whatever is going on. I work full time and I can always use the help. -

I am planning on telling her this today.

Do you think this is fair? The reason I am asking is because when I had offered to pay this three months ago, I didn't tell her that I wanted her to do ANYTHING in return. However at that time she was treating me with a lot more respect.

 I don't feel as though I should pay a loan off for a disrespectuful brat unless she is willing to do something to help me. She is going to be by later today to pick up the signed loan papers...please give me your advice!

by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 11:27 AM
Replies (11-20):
marriedw6kids
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:39 PM

Hmmm.....

Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:40 PM
2 moms liked this

There is a difference between trying to instill earning the money back and giving money so that you get the feelings you want. If you want to make her work the $800 off, that's different....but I don't agree that you should do it so you "feel appreciated." Either she appreciates you or she doesn't. IMO, you are trying to manipulate your relationship with your daughter with giving this money. 

Working it off is different than giving money to get the appreciation you think you deserve. Plus, if you want her to work it off, I think you should find things that add up to $800 instead of a day of helping out. Maybe decide on a rate you'll pay her per hour to help out around your house, and then she is responsible to pay you back until the $800 is earned.

Quoting marriedw6kids:

@Barabell, I don't feel like I am being manipulative. I feel like she needs to learn some sort of work ethic if she can't respect me then there is nothing I can do about it. I would like her tounderstand that she is 18 and needs to "earn" things. I don't know what I am doing yet.... I am leaning toward the idea of having her take her little sister to the uniform store for me and do school shopping for back to school, and then help her little sister organize her room and get ready for school. - Its a one day project, it would help me out alot and I would feel like she was trying to show me so apprecation.


atlmom2
by Susie on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:43 PM
I say she needs to get a fast food job back and start paying while she looks for another one.
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marriedw6kids
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:43 PM

@Barabell, how am I being manipulating by asking for a one day project to be completed? I don't understand.

MeAndTommyLee
by Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:43 PM
1 mom liked this

What's the backstory here?  She disrespects you by ignoring you very  presence. 

Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:43 PM

If she worked it off at $10 an hour, that would be 80 hours of helping around your house. Before spending the money to pay off the loan, create a contract stating these terms. Then keep a log of the hours she's worked off until the balance is zero.

Another option is that if she gets a job while working off the loan, then she will have to pay off the difference. You could even outline a minimum of 5 hours a week or else interest in accrued or some other kind of penalty. 

Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:46 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting marriedw6kids:

@Barabell, how am I being manipulating by asking for a one day project to be completed? I don't understand.

You're manipulating because you're putting out money to get the emotional relationship you want with your daughter.

If you want to teach her a lesson to earn the money, that's different than giving it to attempt to manipulate your existing relationship with her.

Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:46 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

What's the backstory here?  She disrespects you by ignoring you very  presence. 

I'm wondering that too. 

marriedw6kids
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:47 PM

@Barabell - Your funny! She will flip out on me if I ask her to do that. Haha and then she would laugh in my face. I am lucky if she takes her little sister school shopping, I don't want to push it.

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:48 PM
3 moms liked this


Quoting marriedw6kids:

@Barabell, I don't feel like I am being manipulative. I feel like she needs to learn some sort of work ethic if she can't respect me then there is nothing I can do about it. I would like her tounderstand that she is 18 and needs to "earn" things. I don't know what I am doing yet.... I am leaning toward the idea of having her take her little sister to the uniform store for me and do school shopping for back to school, and then help her little sister organize her room and get ready for school. - Its a one day project, it would help me out alot and I would feel like she was trying to show me so apprecation.

Appreciation is not forced.   You are blackmailing her to do what you want her to do.  In essence, you want her to "pay back" the loan by helping you with your other kids.   That is not teaching work ethic... but it is a good way to make her resentful towards her sister, and a great way to teach her that you don't mean what you say .... as you didn't attach any conditions when you offered to pay for the loan.   




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