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Am I asking too much of my 18 year old?

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My oldest daughter attended a short CNA program, she graduated yesterday and needs me to take care of the remaining balance of $800 on her loan (The first $1,000) was paid for by my Dad. -Well, she doesn't speak to me, has blocked me on facebook and honestly doesn't show me an interest in having a relationship with me. She moved out of my house last August to live with her Dad. So I don't see much of her either.

I went to her graduation and she didn't even say two words when I gave her, her gift.I am still willing to pay the $800 because it was for education. However, I would like her come to my house once a week and do housework, babysit her younger siblings, or just help me out with whatever is going on. I work full time and I can always use the help. -

I am planning on telling her this today.

Do you think this is fair? The reason I am asking is because when I had offered to pay this three months ago, I didn't tell her that I wanted her to do ANYTHING in return. However at that time she was treating me with a lot more respect.

 I don't feel as though I should pay a loan off for a disrespectuful brat unless she is willing to do something to help me. She is going to be by later today to pick up the signed loan papers...please give me your advice!

by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 11:27 AM
Replies (21-30):
marriedw6kids
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:49 PM

The backstory is: She doesn't want a relationship with me unless she needs me. I won't hear from her for months until she needs my car, money or a favor.

Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:50 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting marriedw6kids:

@Barabell - Your funny! She will flip out on me if I ask her to do that. Haha and then she would laugh in my face. I am lucky if she takes her little sister school shopping, I don't want to push it.

Then don't give her the money. 

Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:52 PM


Quoting marriedw6kids:

The backstory is: She doesn't want a relationship with me unless she needs me. I won't hear from her for months until she needs my car, money or a favor.

Ummm, where do you think she learned this manipulative behavior from?

Based on your OP and your lack of understanding on how what you're asking is manipulative, I'm sure she probably learned this behavior from you.

Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:52 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting boys2men2soon:


Quoting marriedw6kids:

@Barabell, I don't feel like I am being manipulative. I feel like she needs to learn some sort of work ethic if she can't respect me then there is nothing I can do about it. I would like her tounderstand that she is 18 and needs to "earn" things. I don't know what I am doing yet.... I am leaning toward the idea of having her take her little sister to the uniform store for me and do school shopping for back to school, and then help her little sister organize her room and get ready for school. - Its a one day project, it would help me out alot and I would feel like she was trying to show me so apprecation.

Appreciation is not forced.   You are blackmailing her to do what you want her to do.  In essence, you want her to "pay back" the loan by helping you with your other kids.   That is not teaching work ethic... but it is a good way to make her resentful towards her sister, and a great way to teach her that you don't mean what you say .... as you didn't attach any conditions when you offered to pay for the loan.   

Exactly, boys2men2soon. 

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:53 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting marriedw6kids:

The backstory is: She doesn't want a relationship with me unless she needs me. I won't hear from her for months until she needs my car, money or a favor.

Okay.  Then why did you agree to pay off her loan????  




Barabell
by Barbara on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:54 PM

Did you already agree to pay for the $800?

Not_A_Native
by Bronze Member on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:55 PM

If you told her you would pay it with no strings attached - then pay it.  "Making" her come and work for it will only make the relationship worse in the meantime.  Be the adult!

marriedw6kids
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 12:58 PM
2 moms liked this

@Barabell & Boys2men2soon- WOW! Thanks for being honest. I thought I was just asking her for a one day favor but I guess I won't if it means I am trying to maninpulate her. That is not the example I want to make.

PurpleHazey
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 1:01 PM
1 mom liked this

I think college should be payed for on their own, these kids are out having fun and spending loads of money so why can't they help with the college bill.

PurpleHazey
by on Jul. 28, 2013 at 1:01 PM

 


Quoting Barabell:

Did you already agree to pay for the $800?


 That's a good question

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