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daughter and husband havent talked for months, should i get involved?

Posted by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 10:43 AM
  • 12 Replies

My daughter whos nearly 18 hasn't talked to her dad for about two months now.

It started when she got in an arguement with him about how he was being bossy towards her and me (her mother). She got angry about how he treated us, he oes have a bad temper at times. It started out about that one incedent but then she went on to say he had been abusive towards the both of us and it had seriously hurt her mental health. she said he made her depressed and untrusting of other people.

he had previously thought the two of them were close, he had always made an effort to stay close with her after he had lost his temper with her or me. She told him that she hated that attempt at closeness even more than his temper, whenever she had to spend time with him she was faking that she felt okay, and really she was uncomfortable or scared.

I had no idea this was going on until recently; all though my daughters childhood she never seemed affected by his temper, also I never saw her cry about anything. She looked very calm and happy, but she said she was very depressed.

Now that they are not talking my daughter tells me she feels much better but my husband hates it and wants to make things better. I told him to back off for a while because that seems to be what she wants, but I really don't know what to do. My daughter is going to a therapist but she never tells anything about what happens there.

What should I do? my husband will listen to anything that might make things better between the two of them, but my daughter seems like she does not want to talk

by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 10:43 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Aslen
by on Aug. 1, 2013 at 10:46 AM
He needs to giver her her space. Talk to her, listen to her, and be there for her, but do NOT harass her about talking to him.
atlmom2
by Susie on Aug. 1, 2013 at 10:51 AM
He needs to let her be. Maybe the 2 can have some counseling later.
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fammatthews4
by Trisha on Aug. 1, 2013 at 11:01 AM
1 mom liked this

Only he can fix this.  He needs to give her her space for now.  He may want to consider counceling for him and then possibly for the two of them together.

Barabell
by Barbara on Aug. 1, 2013 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this

What does he do when he looses his temper?

Txlisa7969
by Bronze Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 12:55 PM

This.  Maybe if she sees him making an effort to get help for his own anger issues it will help her to come around.



Quoting fammatthews4:

Only he can fix this.  He needs to give her her space for now.  He may want to consider counceling for him and then possibly for the two of them together.



drfink
by Emily on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:07 PM
2 moms liked this

 

Quoting fammatthews4:

Only he can fix this.  He needs to give her her space for now.  He may want to consider counceling for him and then possibly for the two of them together.

 This ,perhaps after he has seeked therapy to work on himself he could write her an apology and ask her if she would CONSIDER going to family counseling with him so that HE can regain her trust.He needs to absorb any fault and truly let her have the power to decide.No guilting ,no finger pointing simply he realizes he wasn't who he should have been,he has worked on becoming that person and he would value a chance to work on rebuilding a relationship with her.....ONLY after he has sincerely worked on himself.

JessicaR7
by Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 1:36 PM

I think your husband needs to start with therapy on his own or maybe family therapy with just the two of your first.  Ask your daughter if she is open to family therapy.  The reality is if your daughter thinks your husband/her father is abusive, then he probably is on some level.  The thing is we can easily lie to ourselves in live in denial about how we treat other people but if it has impacted your daughter this much, I doubt she is making this up.  He needs to own up to what he has done in the past. Your husband needs to find out why he feels the need to control you and your daughter.  Sometimes men think they are being protective but that protectivness can go too far and it can become controlling.    Your husband needs to find a way to control his temper.  Many times men will blow up or raise their voice in a show of their power over others.  It's mean to incite fear to keep their spouse or whomever in line.  Your daughter may have been hiding some things or her feelings specifically in order to keep the peace in the family.  Keeping the peace means she may have walked on eggshells to prevent blow-ups and it is possible fear of your husband's temper allowed her to feel she couldn't openly express her feelings honestly within the family unit.

Also, don't be afraid to ask your daughter how therapy is going and you would like to hear more about her therapy when she is ready to tell you.  Also, let her know that you think family therapy would be good for all of you at some point.

I think everything you've mentioned can be repaired.  I think your husband needs to do a lot of work on his end if he truly wants to make amends with his daughter.  It won't happen over night because he does have some things to prove.  I hope it works out for the best.

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 6:48 PM
Wait. Weren't you the one who posted earlier this year about your daughter coming to you and asking for cash for therapy and then refusing to tell you why/where and then your husband didn't want to pay because he thought she was over reacting?
fammatthews4
by Trisha on Aug. 1, 2013 at 6:54 PM

This person just joined Cafe Mom today so it's probably not the same person.

Wait. Weren't you the one who posted earlier this year about your daughter coming to you and asking for cash for therapy and then refusing to tell you why/where and then your husband didn't want to pay because he thought she was over reacting?


GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Aug. 1, 2013 at 6:56 PM
Ah okay. I don't normally check these things. Whoops.


Quoting fammatthews4:

This person just joined Cafe Mom today so it's probably not the same person.

Wait. Weren't you the one who posted earlier this year about your daughter coming to you and asking for cash for therapy and then refusing to tell you why/where and then your husband didn't want to pay because he thought she was over reacting?



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