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How to Keep Your Kid a Virgin Until College

Posted by on Aug. 19, 2013 at 4:31 PM
  • 21 Replies

How to Keep Your Kid a Virgin Until College

by Sasha Brown-Worsham

virginitySex and virginity are hot topics among the parents of teens. In theory, we all would love it if our teens would wait until they are responsible enough to handle all the many repercussions that can come from sex. But some parents feel it more strongly than others.

Among other things, religion has allowed us to form a nearly cult-like adoration of female virginity. From creepy “purity balls” where fathers take their daughters out to pledge that they will wait until marriage to young women selling their virginity to the highest bidder, writer and noted feminist Jessica Valenti addresses this weirdness in the US around girls' virginity in her book The Purity Myth. While I completely agree with the premise (I have yet to read the book), I also know, as a parent of both a boy and a girl (with another girl on the way), I would love it if both of my children would wait until at least college before they have sex.

I thought this was a common feeling, but more and more, I have heard parents say that they actually WANT their children to have sex younger, specifically that they wouldn't want them to be the one virgin headed off to college. Sex is an amazing thing. But it also comes with responsibilities that are too grave for a young teen to handle and I plan to encourage my kids to wait, though it’s not just for my daughters. Here are 5 ways I plan to encourage my kids to wait until college:

1.) Be honest: When I was younger, both my mother and stepmother sat me down and explained sex. It wasn't a “precious gift” or any other kind of religious metaphor. Rather, it was a huge power struggle and something that would quickly turn against me if I had sex too soon. I waited a long time because of this advice and watched as friend after friend fell prey to this.

2.) Explain the emotions: Sex should be an emotional act for both boys AND girls. I will explain to my daughters and my son that part of what is beautiful about sex is lost if it's done casually or just to do it.

3.) Not condone it: I will provide birth control if I realize I have lost the battle, but I will NOT provide a place to have sex or a means to make it easy. If I think my children are thinking about sex, they will have to have it outside my home. We will have curfews and no opposite sex in the bedrooms rules in our house.

4.) Cultivate openness: I will foster a sense of openness in our house. Even though I will make it clear where I stand on the issue, I plan on being open to listening to my children and letting them make their own choices if it comes to that. If they are in a serious, loving relationship and I think they are responsible, I am open to helping them make good decisions and decide for themselves even when I clearly don’t think it’s a great idea.

5.) Get to know all boyfriends/girlfriends: I will be open to my children dating when they seem mature enough to do so (I can’t put a hard and fast rule on this now when they are so young), BUT I will also want to know people they go out with. If they go on a date, I expect to meet the boy or girl they are going out with beforehand if I don’t know them already. This way I feel like I can keep better tabs.

I know these aren't foolproof and I know I may be blessed/stuck with a teen who does what he or she wants regardless of what I think. As parents the best thing we can do is encourage our kids to make wise choices, let them know where we stand, and hope for the best.

I never want to be a strict mom or one who is abnormally judgmental about sex and sexuality. I want them to have good sex lives at some point, but I have also seen in so many friends the striking ways their first time experiences affect them the rest of their lives. If I can protect my kids from having a bad first experience, whether it happens in college (preferably) or before, I will be happy.

How do you plan to help your teens make decisions about sex?

 

by on Aug. 19, 2013 at 4:31 PM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Susie on Aug. 19, 2013 at 4:37 PM
Mine were and we didn't need rings or any of that crap. Talk talk talk and let expectations be known young. Keep talking and set expectations.
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GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 5:24 PM
Well I have a special needs daughter... I think that says enough. 21 and still a virgin. Yay me.
bexsmum
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 5:58 PM

well I don't  advocate early sexuality. I know many teens who have entered that very very scary world all too young and have to deal with the fall out of it. From teen pregnancies to disease broken hearts and ruined reputations.

I think open and frank conversation is the crux of all it. Mine did not wait until collage but they were in long term monogamas relationships and were safe. I don't think as parents we belong in you teens bedrooms,we need to be open to any and all conversations they feel the need to share.  The more open we are with our teens the better chance that they will make good choices when it comes to sex.

my2kidsmom9498
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 7:09 PM
2 moms liked this

 

I have a 19 yo dd and 15 ds, and they DO NOT own their bedrooms, I do.  I determine who is allowed in the house and where they may be in my house.  You are right about being open and helping them understand the implications of their actions.

Quoting bexsmum:

I don't think as parents we belong in you teens bedrooms,we need to be open to any and all conversations they feel the need to share.  The more open we are with our teens the better chance that they will make good choices when it comes to sex.


 

drfink
by Emily on Aug. 19, 2013 at 7:31 PM

 Talk ,talk and more talk.

My older two waited till college with long term gf/bf depending.I would be passed shocked if my 15 and 16 y.o.'s have had sex.Neither one has been really serious yet....yay.That will come when it should some future day.

Barabell
by Barbara on Aug. 19, 2013 at 7:42 PM

I agree that having open communication is important.

bizzeemom2717
by on Aug. 19, 2013 at 10:42 PM

 

Quoting Barabell:

I agree that having open communication is important.

 Yep I agree most important thing

bizzeemom2717
by on Aug. 19, 2013 at 10:43 PM

 

Quoting atlmom2:

Mine were and we didn't need rings or any of that crap. Talk talk talk and let expectations be known young. Keep talking and set expectations.

 The rings, esp given to girls by their dads creep me out!

drfink
by Emily on Aug. 19, 2013 at 11:00 PM

 

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

 

Quoting atlmom2:

Mine were and we didn't need rings or any of that crap. Talk talk talk and let expectations be known young. Keep talking and set expectations.

 The rings, esp given to girls by their dads creep me out!

 yes ,to me it makes the daughter's sexualness chattel to be given at the dads whim to another man....shudder

I read a study that said these rings only delayed first time sexual experiences by a few months.The girls that had the rings and had sex were much more likely to become pregnant or contract a std than a girl that had sex but didn't have a ring.Girls that wore the ring felt such guilt for betraying the vow they ignored taking precautions because it wasn't happening again ;but it did over and over.Girls without the rings were less likely to feel so guilty ,admitted it was going to happen again to themselves and accessed condoms or bc.

bizzeemom2717
by on Aug. 19, 2013 at 11:49 PM
That's interesting and does make sense.

Quoting drfink:

 


Quoting bizzeemom2717:


 


Quoting atlmom2:

Mine were and we didn't need rings or any of that crap. Talk talk talk and let expectations be known young. Keep talking and set expectations.

 The rings, esp given to girls by their dads creep me out!


 yes ,to me it makes the daughter's sexualness chattel to be given at the dads whim to another man....shudder


I read a study that said these rings only delayed first time sexual experiences by a few months.The girls that had the rings and had sex were much more likely to become pregnant or contract a std than a girl that had sex but didn't have a ring.Girls that wore the ring felt such guilt for betraying the vow they ignored taking precautions because it wasn't happening again ;but it did over and over.Girls without the rings were less likely to feel so guilty ,admitted it was going to happen again to themselves and accessed condoms or bc.

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