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Defiant 14 year old I can't control - help!

Posted by on Aug. 28, 2013 at 5:04 PM
  • 60 Replies

Hello all,

I am new and joined because I am at my wits end with my strong willed 14 year old DD. I have so much to say about her I don't know where to start. I am going to try to tell you all her main issues and I would appreciate any help or advice. Basically if she doesn't want to do something there is not one reward or punishment I have used that has worked. She just will not do it. She is also outright defiant. I just asked her to give me her cell phone and she walked off with it. She kind of thinks she is an adult with full adult rights and that she can do what she wants when she wants. She also gets upset whenever you have a conversation with her she does not want to have. For example, if its a conversation about making sure she is wearing her retainers or doing her school work, she makes out like I am ruining her life and doesn't want to hear it. She doesn't eat any food I make. I have tried before with the old 'just keep putting stuff down to her and not give her a choice, but when I tried that she did not eat for 3 days straight and then had a glass of milk and vomited it all up. She doesn't sleep well and as as she has just started her freshman year she is getting very ittle sleep and struggling to get up for her bus at 6.10am. She also is not at all organized and so had no lunch today becuase she won't prepare it the night before.

It is causing major problems between me and my husband because I am like the wicked witch because I will always get to the end of my tolerance level first and me and DD will argue and he wants no part of it. As I go I can maybe add more to this, but as I sit here right now this is all I can think of. I am at my wits end and honestly have been about to move out at times because I can't cope any more. Please help! Feel free to ask me things. I appreciate any help I can get!

Kind Regards,

Nicole, 37, mother of 1.

by on Aug. 28, 2013 at 5:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Wills_Wifey
by on Aug. 28, 2013 at 5:13 PM
1 mom liked this
Well, you could always do things my dad used to do like taking all extras out of her possession. Meaning TV, cell phone, computer (except for school work), radio, etc. Another one we got a lot was having our bedroom doors removed because to him privacy was a privilege not a right (we would change clothes in the bathroom). Is she doing ok in school? Besides having a super attitude (which I think is pretty normal for her age), is she acting out (like drugs or anything)?
gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Aug. 28, 2013 at 5:14 PM


Quoting Poppets16:

Basically if she doesn't want to do something there is not one reward or punishment I have used that has worked. She just will not do it. She is also outright defiant.

What things are you talking about, as far as what she won't do? Best to have her doing things for herself, like her own laundry. It's a "reap what you sow" situation. Don't do your laundry, go to schoolin dirty clothes.

I just asked her to give me her cell phone and she walked off with it.

So call the cell phone company and turn the darned thing OFF! (My mother would have taken it and run over it with her car.)

She kind of thinks she is an adult with full adult rights and that she can do what she wants when she wants. She also gets upset whenever you have a conversation with her she does not want to have. For example, if its a conversation about making sure she is wearing her retainers or doing her school work, she makes out like I am ruining her life and doesn't want to hear it.

Let her reap what she sows on these. Say nothing about them. She has to deal with the failing grades and the dententions and the problems with her teeth.

She doesn't eat any food I make. I have tried before with the old 'just keep putting stuff down to her and not give her a choice, but when I tried that she did not eat for 3 days straight and then had a glass of milk and vomited it all up.

OK, THIS is where you get a therapist involved. This is beyond bad behavior. The child needs HELP. TODAY.

She doesn't sleep well and as as she has just started her freshman year she is getting very ittle sleep and struggling to get up for her bus at 6.10am. She also is not at all organized and so had no lunch today becuase she won't prepare it the night before.

It is causing major problems between me and my husband because I am like the wicked witch because I will always get to the end of my tolerance level first and me and DD will argue and he wants no part of it. As I go I can maybe add more to this, but as I sit here right now this is all I can think of. I am at my wits end and honestly have been about to move out at times because I can't cope any more. Please help! Feel free to ask me things. I appreciate any help I can get!

Kind Regards,

Nicole, 37, mother of 1.

Your family needs counseling. Dad would be kicked out of the house for his current behavior. BE THE WICKED WITCH. Embrace the title. Your husband is on the way to ruining your daughter.

Monsita
by Bronze Member on Aug. 28, 2013 at 5:15 PM

im sorrymy son is also 14....sometimes he acts like your DD...my advice to you is DO NOT PLAY HER GAME by allowing her to made you feel mad/frustrated. Do not argue with her!!!!!!!!!

Please, have a talk with her, and tell her, since she is making it hard for you to help her, to go through this hard adjusting time as a teenager, you will be making an appointment with a doctor, and a psychology expert.

Poppets16
by on Aug. 28, 2013 at 5:36 PM


I have tried taking away TV, cell etc, none of which changed her behavior, but she is very aware of her rights and I have thought about taking her door away but I have heard that you are not allowed to do that. I had a colleague who moved into a new house and there were no doors on the kid bedrooms and a teacher called DCF on her. My kid would call police or DCF in a minute on me...No drugs as she barely eats any foods and will not take medicine, so I don't think she'd even be brave enough for drugs, BUT she does do worrying stuff like recently we were on a cruise and she out and out refused to read the summer reading book for school even though we had agreed a chapter a day and I started on her saying she could not go to her chosen school, and she started crying, stormed off, met a group of teenagers. Me and husband went to our room and fell asleep and woke up at 1.30am and she was STILL gone. I worry that later when she is 16, and she gets mad because she doesn't like what I am saying, she will just jump in the boyfriend's car and be gone...

Poppets16
by on Aug. 28, 2013 at 5:38 PM

Thanks. Trouble is, I got a behavior lady in before and she charged $60 per hour. She stayed for 2 hours then never did much else and I emailed and she ignored me. How on earth do I find a GOOD behavior expert/psychologist...? I have no idea!

Poppets16
by on Aug. 28, 2013 at 5:47 PM

OK, first I do make her bring her laundry to the machine and put it in. She also has to get in mail, recycling boxes, cat litter tray done every night. Here's the thing- She doesn't actually DO the cat litter every night. We have threatened to have the cat given away, which I will do in the near future. What I mean when i say she won't do things is anything that she doesn't like doing. One example- She got accepted into a magnet HS and she had summer reading to do. I got a calendar and we discussed together how many chapters a day etc she was to do. After doing the first book successfully, she started the 2nd book, hated it, and just stopped reading. Now I did confornt her and show her the agreed shchedule, but what can I do...? She just did not read it. Now, before I have said to her read or you are not going out all weekend. Guess what? She didn't read and didn't go out. She is so strong willed, she would rather deprive herself than just suck it up and DO the thing. Her retainers is anothe example. She's been told to wear them 24 hours a day, but doesn't. Is that just a leave it kind of thing and let her get the natural concequences...? That is what hubby says to do. She can't be bothered making a lunch for school the night before so often just goes without.

As for the cell phone, yes. I need a solution. Thing is I really WANT her to have it at school becuase it makes my life easier in term sof picking her up etc, but I really want her to give me it as soon as I get in.


As for the therapist, I genuinely think she has some kind of sensory issues going on. She as NEVER been a good eater. I can name a handful of foods she will eat and that is it. I make home made chicken fajitas, spaghetti bolegnaise, chilli etc and she will not even put one spoonful in her mouth to try. She also will NOT go to bed early, even though she now has to be up at 5.30am.

I get what you say about hubby, but I can't do this on my own. She calls me a bitch to my face and she likes him. I need the otehr parent to back me up...it is wearing me down emotionally and in every way being the mean bitch and my relationship with my daughter is non-existent...

lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Aug. 28, 2013 at 7:39 PM
4 moms liked this

From what I read you make empty threats. Do not say I will get rid of the cat unless you really are going to get rid of the cat. Take everything and when I say everything I mean clothes, shoes, cosmetics, bedroom door,~~~  EVERYTHING ! Make her EARN it back. You don't get up then you are late to school. Let school handle her lateness with detention. You Tell her when you will pick her up not the other way around. You cook she doesn't eat ~~ OH well ! You need to play hard ball mama !

If she chooses no to read the material then she isn't ready for that school. If she refuses the retainer then screw her she will have lousy teeth and pay to fix them once she becomes an Adult.

Stop letting her run your house ! As for your DH that's a whole nother problem. He needs to man up in a very big way !

Belovedmoonpixi
by Member on Aug. 28, 2013 at 9:24 PM

The very first thing is to get  on the same page with your DH. Parents shoudl present a united front.... As for the other stuff, she┬┤s just manipulating you.

You pay for the line, just disconnect the thing. A phone without line or data is useless anyway! Oh, and I guarantee you she MADE herself throw up. Next time, just make her clean it and do not give her any more food.

 

Basicrose
by Member on Aug. 28, 2013 at 9:49 PM

I would take her phone away for sure. If she wants to starve herself...let her. It will be extremely hard on you because you are her mother, but maybe after she see's that it has no "control" over you, maybe she'll quit. I have a cutter/purger...so on some level i understand. I was TERRIFIED to ground her because the 2x i did? We ended up at the E.R. because she cut her wrist. You know what? i recently grounded her for 2 weeks with NOTHING and ... she is ok. Big weight off my shoulders. Now, if she doesnt want to get up for school, I wouldnt take her. If you live close enough, make her walk...or make her find her own ride. However, in some states the parent will be responsible for their child's behavior...after a certain point, that is. You may want to call the police station and the school and find out the steps they/authorities will take when a child doesnt come to school or stop certain behaviors. Then, tell your daughter what the NATURAL consequences will be if SHE continues the behavior. Protect yourself first!! If your daughter does ever want to play that card (child protection) then you will know what you can legally do. Sometimes making child protection and/or the police aware of your situation may be a benefit because then her power on that front will not be effective. Call the police and ask about removing the doors from her room. I had to for my daughter's safety. If she chooses not to wear her retainer, then yes, she'll have the natural consequence of bad teeth when she grows up. I know it's a struggle but i know you can do it! I hope all will work out for you.

Poppets16
by on Aug. 28, 2013 at 9:53 PM

I agree with all apart from the food thing. I think unless you live with a child who is fussy, it's just so hard to read the judgements about it. She won't take medicine either, ever since she was a baby if she had a fever and I gave her that liquid paracetemol, she would gag on it. She threw up because her empty stomach couldn't take the heaviness of the milk. I literally can't force her to eat stuff. I reckon if I try that she'll be in a worse state. If I took her to a doctor they'd tell me she's perfectly healthy. The stuff she does eat she must get nutrients from. Am I meant to ram the chilli, lasagne etc down her throat? I shouldn't have mentioned the eating because I get the feeling anyone reading it is just judging and thinking 'how ridiculous' and I really think you would have had to have been here and experienced it. She is fussy about candy too. She would never eat anything fruit flavored like gummies. Her teacher would give those to kids as rewards and she'd refuse, so it's not like she's conning me in terms of she won't eat real food but she'll stuf any junk in her mouth.

As or the other stuff, if I told you all I have taken her phone for long periods of time and all the rest and she remains the same. That is why I came on here in depsperation. I have taken stuff away. I really have. She acts like she doesn't care.I think maybe the above post has a point in saying take everyting including clothes, but were does it end? I need to leave her some clothes for school, plus she'll argue that some of the clothes she bought herself. She's like a politician. I just don't know. I really don't.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I appreciate it.

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