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Same Crap Different Year

Posted by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 9:26 PM
  • 20 Replies

 So my daughter now has a medical condition where if she is stressed out she will get worse to the point of hospitalization.  My son knows about it.  She is 13, he's 17.

So since last year he failed his classes and is repeating some of them, (he still managed to pass) was caught stealing a bunch of stuff, never did his homework and lied all the time while doing nothing but drawing stupid pictures, we gave him the ground rules to the school this year.

He's to do all of his homework.
Until he has proven to us he will do the work he is not to draw on any of his binders, folders, papers, etc.  If his friends try to draw something and give it to him, do not accept it until we give him the ok because we want him paying attention to school not drawing and we don't know it wasn't his.
He is not to destroy his stuff.  We paid alot of money for this crap, I don't want it damaged on purpose.
He is not to bring home ANYTHING that wasn't provided by us.

So what does he do?  He destroys the binders we gave him by CARVING drawings in them with his pen, destroys a folder his TEACHER gave him, and then did nothing but upset my daughter with his nonsense!

By the way, if she doesn't start feeling better, I'm going to have to make a trip to the ER tonight. 

What do I do?  His dad gives him empty threats and when I call him out on it (later on privately) I get "I'm trying."  I told him to sit on his bed until his father got home.  He did, but what I didn't realize is he was upseting the youngest with his crap the entire time.  I left when hubby got home and took the girls out to eat for a first day of school treat.  What happened when I got home?  He put on those kid gloves he likes to wear, and then pampered his little butt with "chatting" about everything under the sun EXCEPT how he was hurting his sister, how he lied, how he said he was going to try (and he's not, got confirmation tonight about that), or how he was destroying property.  He gave a bunch of empty threats and sent him to bed.

Now what?  I can't live like this anymore.

by on Sep. 3, 2013 at 9:26 PM
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Replies (1-10):
boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Sep. 3, 2013 at 10:34 PM
3 moms liked this

Maybe that is your answer.    Perhaps your DH and son should get their own place.... or move into the basement.   Dh can be in complete control of DS....and you in charge of the girls.   

If it were me, I wouldn't get involved with school....  you have tried everything.  Let him fail.  Let him repeat classes.  Let him deal with the natural consequences of his actions.   Why stress yourself (or your DD) because of his BS?     Let him have the control he craves... he will pay the price.




fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Sep. 4, 2013 at 6:53 AM

 That's not a bad idea.  Hubby and I currently live in the basement while the kids live upstairs, but I can easily put locks on things and turn the office into a bedroom and move my butt upstairs.  I discussed it with hubby and he HATES the idea, but I actually like it.  Would solve alot of problems I think.  Make hubby responsible for his son by having to actually do EVERYTHING for him instead of just kid glove him.  Far enough away that no one can hear him pitch fits.  Kicking him out wouldn't work because my youngest would worry nonstop about him.  She cares about everyone.

Any other ideas?  Because I'm at a loss here. Not that I don't like that one and wouldn't implement it, but because I always like options.

She felt better last night by the way.  I checked on her around midnight (she went to bed at 8 she felt so bad).  She was feeling better.  I have to keep a sharp eye on her, she doesn't want to go to the er she's afraid of missing school.

Quoting boys2men2soon:

Maybe that is your answer.    Perhaps your DH and son should get their own place.... or move into the basement.   Dh can be in complete control of DS....and you in charge of the girls.   

If it were me, I wouldn't get involved with school....  you have tried everything.  Let him fail.  Let him repeat classes.  Let him deal with the natural consequences of his actions.   Why stress yourself (or your DD) because of his BS?     Let him have the control he craves... he will pay the price.

 

02nana07
by Ida on Sep. 4, 2013 at 9:57 AM

 I would tell my husband if he isn't man enough to be a dad and wants to be his friend instead I guess I will have to be the man of the house and handle it. 

I never said wait until your dad gets home I always handled the problem and so do our daughters now that they have kids. 

 I think kids and grandkids know they better listen to mom because she means business.  No matter how big or old mine get I am still the mama and they know it.

I grew up without a dad that could be why I am this way but maybe you could try taking control of the situation and hopefully that will work.  Since you haven't played this role he may laugh at 1st but stick to the rules and let him know the consequences are the same no exceptions and no excuses and he will get it.

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Sep. 4, 2013 at 11:48 AM

I've played this role.  I'm done with it.  I can't get threw to him, he doesn't respect me either no matter what I do.  No cop here is willing to arrest him unless he shot me or something here.  All has to go through a different system and they don't take them unless they are SEVERELY lawbreakers. 

Quoting 02nana07:

 I would tell my husband if he isn't man enough to be a dad and wants to be his friend instead I guess I will have to be the man of the house and handle it. 

I never said wait until your dad gets home I always handled the problem and so do our daughters now that they have kids. 

 I think kids and grandkids know they better listen to mom because she means business.  No matter how big or old mine get I am still the mama and they know it.

I grew up without a dad that could be why I am this way but maybe you could try taking control of the situation and hopefully that will work.  Since you haven't played this role he may laugh at 1st but stick to the rules and let him know the consequences are the same no exceptions and no excuses and he will get it.

 

02nana07
by Ida on Sep. 4, 2013 at 12:53 PM

 

Take everything away and just get him the necessities buy everything from thrift stores do nothing and give him nothing. 

I wouldn't take him anywhere pay for anything he wants to do or anything he wants he would earn every nickel he got from me.

I would be mad at your husband for not helping, your son needs a dad not a friend he will thank him for it later.

group hug I hope it gets better

Quoting fantasticfour:
 

I've played this role. I'm done with it.  I can't get threw to him, he doesn't respect me either no matter what I do.  No cop here is willing to arrest him unless he shot me or something here.  All has to go through a different system and they don't take them unless they are SEVERELY lawbreakers. 

Quoting 02nana07:

 I would tell my husband if he isn't man enough to be a dad and wants to be his friend instead I guess I will have to be the man of the house and handle it. 

I never said wait until your dad gets home I always handled the problem and so do our daughters now that they have kids. 

 I think kids and grandkids know they better listen to mom because she means business.  No matter how big or old mine get I am still the mama and they know it.

I grew up without a dad that could be why I am this way but maybe you could try taking control of the situation and hopefully that will work.  Since you haven't played this role he may laugh at 1st but stick to the rules and let him know the consequences are the same no exceptions and no excuses and he will get it.

 

 

vlynn.iowa
by Bronze Member on Sep. 4, 2013 at 1:13 PM

Have you taken your DS to counciling?  Many school distrit partner with the local mental health unit and offer free counciling.  It usually has a name like "student and employee services".

Your son is 17.  Sit down with a newspaper want ads section, scope out apartments, jobs, etc and tell him it's time for him to make a plan for when he turns 18.  Explain that he'll need a job in order to pay the bills, including rent.  And attempt to have a serious talk about how he will support himself.  Stop paying for any thing that is not a necessity.

bizzeemom2717
by on Sep. 4, 2013 at 5:14 PM

 If it got to the point that my other child's health was affected and my Dh wasn't clued in enough to take things seriously I would leave with my DD. She is a child, none of this is her fault. I would move in with a family member, idk whatever it took to get her out of the stressful situation.

gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Sep. 4, 2013 at 5:26 PM
1 mom liked this

This exactly. This is a marriage breaker. Your husband is NOT living up to his role. He's failed. There are times when you have to throw in the towel and frankly I think this is one of them. You may love the man but love is not enough.

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

 If it got to the point that my other child's health was affected and my Dh wasn't clued in enough to take things seriously I would leave with my DD. She is a child, none of this is her fault. I would move in with a family member, idk whatever it took to get her out of the stressful situation.


boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Sep. 4, 2013 at 6:40 PM


Quoting fantasticfour:

 That's not a bad idea.  Hubby and I currently live in the basement while the kids live upstairs, but I can easily put locks on things and turn the office into a bedroom and move my butt upstairs.  I discussed it with hubby and he HATES the idea, but I actually like it.  Would solve alot of problems I think.  Make hubby responsible for his son by having to actually do EVERYTHING for him instead of just kid glove him.  Far enough away that no one can hear him pitch fits.  Kicking him out wouldn't work because my youngest would worry nonstop about him.  She cares about everyone.

Any other ideas?  Because I'm at a loss here. Not that I don't like that one and wouldn't implement it, but because I always like options.

She felt better last night by the way.  I checked on her around midnight (she went to bed at 8 she felt so bad).  She was feeling better.  I have to keep a sharp eye on her, she doesn't want to go to the er she's afraid of missing school.

Quoting boys2men2soon:

Maybe that is your answer.    Perhaps your DH and son should get their own place.... or move into the basement.   Dh can be in complete control of DS....and you in charge of the girls.   

If it were me, I wouldn't get involved with school....  you have tried everything.  Let him fail.  Let him repeat classes.  Let him deal with the natural consequences of his actions.   Why stress yourself (or your DD) because of his BS?     Let him have the control he craves... he will pay the price.

 

I believe if your DH had to step up and step in everytime your son acted up, he would change his tune.   Give the school DH's number and instruct them to call him.   He can deal with school, doctors appts., counseling appts., preparing meals for himself & son....Oh, he can also make arrangements for his son to get to and from school and any and all supervision he needs that does not include YOU.      If your son wants or needs something....he can call Dad.     You simply cannot help those who refuse to help themselves.




fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Sep. 5, 2013 at 11:11 PM
Been there, doing that, and am mad. Actually, I'm not buying him a damn thing. He trashed the binders I gave him the FIRST day of school and is now griping about not having binders. He KNEW he was taking a gym class this year and I think he threw away his gym clothes over the summer to "punish" us to buy him new, I refuse.
Quoting 02nana07:

 

Take everything away and just get him the necessities buy everything from thrift stores do nothing and give him nothing. 

I wouldn't take him anywhere pay for anything he wants to do or anything he wants he would earn every nickel he got from me.

I would be mad at your husband for not helping, your son needs a dad not a friend he will thank him for it later.

group hug I hope it gets better

Quoting fantasticfour:
 

I've played this role. I'm done with it.  I can't get threw to him, he doesn't respect me either no matter what I do.  No cop here is willing to arrest him unless he shot me or something here.  All has to go through a different system and they don't take them unless they are SEVERELY lawbreakers. 

Quoting 02nana07:

 I would tell my husband if he isn't man enough to be a dad and wants to be his friend instead I guess I will have to be the man of the house and handle it. 

I never said wait until your dad gets home I always handled the problem and so do our daughters now that they have kids. 

 I think kids and grandkids know they better listen to mom because she means business.  No matter how big or old mine get I am still the mama and they know it.

I grew up without a dad that could be why I am this way but maybe you could try taking control of the situation and hopefully that will work.  Since you haven't played this role he may laugh at 1st but stick to the rules and let him know the consequences are the same no exceptions and no excuses and he will get it.

 

 

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