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Need advice on my soon to be 13 year old son.

Posted by on Sep. 4, 2013 at 12:55 PM
  • 17 Replies
Hi there. I'm hoping anyone on here can help me. I have a 12 year old son who will be 13 in December and certain issues are needing to be addressed. I just don't know how to go about it. Last Christmas we got him an iPod touch and it has been the biggest mistake I have ever bought. I even have lots of things set as a restriction. No Internet, no Facebook, no vulgar music or movies, and I have to put in the password for him to download apps from the App Store and is allowed 1 app a week. Well somehow he got Facebook, and then there are a few other social networking sites that I was unaware of like Minus and Snapchat. He is in trouble for getting Facebook after being told he wasn't allowed to have one (this makes the second time he's been caught on that.) The next thing is what he is talking about on his FB messages and the app called Minus. Sexual profanity, and lots of F words. I was floored when I was reading half of this stuff. Was this really coming from my sons mouth! It's like I don't know him at all. The real disturbing part of all this is when he is talking to this one girl who he claims is a girlfriend, and they are not getting along or whatever, he states that he wants to kill himself. WHAT! I know from reading their conversations she is also bad news, and I want her to stay as far away from my son. Luckily she lives in another county. The way they knew each other is because of his older half sister and thats one of her friends. I will also add my son and this "girlfriend" have never met in person either. I don't think he is serious about hurting himself, but these days you can't be sure. I don't know what is going through his head and I'm hurting deeply inside because I just don't know what to do and am trying to figure out where I failed. 😞
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
by on Sep. 4, 2013 at 12:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Sep. 4, 2013 at 1:15 PM
3 moms liked this

This is the perfect reason as to why it makes more sense to guide them instead of restricting them.

vlynn.iowa
by Bronze Member on Sep. 4, 2013 at 1:18 PM
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Take the IPod away.  It is a privilege not a right or a neccessity.  I took my daughters away many times over her high school years.  The device is earned back for the weekend if all school work is turned in and all chores have been completed.  Stress the importance of honesty and that he is only hurting himself (and remember he really is only hurting himself, DO NOT take his actions personaly).   

You haven't failed him but you do need to find the strength to parent.  I have always told my children that I am their parent first, I will be their friend once they are through college and supporting themselves.  They are 20, 18, and 14 now.  I do know how hard it can be but hang in there.

TiffanyD78
by on Sep. 4, 2013 at 1:31 PM
Quoting luckysevenwow:

This is the perfect reason as to why it makes more sense to guide them instead of restricting them.



When he first got the iPod he was allowed to have access to everything on his own except Facebook ( IMO he is not mature enough for it and I saw no reason for him to have one), and restrictions to vulgar music and movies and any app that is R rated. I don't think that was unreasonable for someone who is 12. Major restrictions and rules had to be applied because after a month of having the iPod he broke the rules. He somehow figured out the restriction access code and downloaded apps he was not suppose to and got Facebook. That's why I had to be more strict with it. He had his chance and there was consequences. It was also taken away for 3 months.
Teddybear2015
by New Member on Sep. 4, 2013 at 1:34 PM

frustratedHey

TiffanyD78
by on Sep. 4, 2013 at 1:36 PM
Quoting vlynn.iowa:

Take the IPod away.  It is a privilege not a right or a neccessity.  I took my daughters away many times over her high school years.  The device is earned back for the weekend if all school work is turned in and all chores have been completed.  Stress the importance of honesty and that he is only hurting himself (and remember he really is only hurting himself, DO NOT take his actions personaly).   

You haven't failed him but you do need to find the strength to parent.  I have always told my children that I am their parent first, I will be their friend once they are through college and supporting themselves.  They are 20, 18, and 14 now.  I do know how hard it can be but hang in there.



It has been taken away and I've also called his dad (we are not together) and explained to him that we need to address these issues ASAP together. He is getting involved in karate after school so I'm hoping that getting him involved in something will help also.
Teddybear2015
by New Member on Sep. 4, 2013 at 1:46 PM
Hey mom welcome to teen life it will not be easy but rather frustrating. I don't think restrictions will work you have to guide him, and set limits and explain to him why. what he's doing is about a very large percentage of teens that are doing the same thing and worse. You need to find out who all his friends are and take action soon find out who they parents are and meet them. if you don't get a hold of your son it will get out of control, but he will start doing thing behind your back. he will go to his friends house and get on fb and the girlfriend thing though she is in another country they have some in this country I hope you will talk to him about safe and unsafe sex because it will happen soon. We as parents of teen try and guide our teens and some just will not listen it's nothing you did wrong or failed you just have to put you foot down and stay in control and mean it and stick with it do not let your guards down you are the parent not your son.
Maxamista
by on Sep. 4, 2013 at 4:46 PM

Take it away.

gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Sep. 4, 2013 at 5:24 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting TiffanyD78:

Hi there. I'm hoping anyone on here can help me. I have a 12 year old son who will be 13 in December and certain issues are needing to be addressed. I just don't know how to go about it. Last Christmas we got him an iPod touch and it has been the biggest mistake I have ever bought. I even have lots of things set as a restriction. No Internet, no Facebook, no vulgar music or movies, and I have to put in the password for him to download apps from the App Store and is allowed 1 app a week. Well somehow he got Facebook, and then there are a few other social networking sites that I was unaware of like Minus and Snapchat. He is in trouble for getting Facebook after being told he wasn't allowed to have one (this makes the second time he's been caught on that.)
The iPod Touch gets confiscated. NOW. No reprieve on that one.
The next thing is what he is talking about on his FB messages and the app called Minus. Sexual profanity, and lots of F words. I was floored when I was reading half of this stuff. Was this really coming from my sons mouth! It's like I don't know him at all. The real disturbing part of all this is when he is talking to this one girl who he claims is a girlfriend, and they are not getting along or whatever, he states that he wants to kill himself. WHAT! I know from reading their conversations she is also bad news, and I want her to stay as far away from my son. Luckily she lives in another county.
No more social media for him. 
The way they knew each other is because of his older half sister and thats one of her friends.
A conversation with their dad is in order, then. He needs to see these messages too. And then the two of you need to get on the same page with your response.
I will also add my son and this "girlfriend" have never met in person either. I don't think he is serious about hurting himself, but these days you can't be sure. I don't know what is going through his head and I'm hurting deeply inside because I just don't know what to do and am trying to figure out where I failed. 😞
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I don't see a failure here. I see that you got surprised. Revoking the electronics and the social media sites are step 1. Getting in sync with Dad on the proper responses is step 2. Getting this kid involved in something better than social media is step 3.

TiffanyD78
by on Sep. 4, 2013 at 9:01 PM
Thank you ladies for all of your advice.
boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Sep. 4, 2013 at 10:54 PM

Welcome!    Talk to him.   Explain why you don't allow him to have access to those sites and talk in depth about teen suicide and how it is NEVER okay to threaten suicide, even joking.   If a school staff member gets wind of it, he can be hospitalized ASAP.     Talk about puberty and how his emotions are all over the map.       He is at 'that age'... he wants to fit in and is trying to find out who he is....not who you want him to be.




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