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I'm wondering why so parents seem to be into spanking......

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and punishment? It seems, that most of the advice given here is, to come down on a child even harder, when they don't obey or make repeat offenses. That this will give the best results and if it doesn't you must not be doing it right. What's interesting, is that I don't spank or use punishment at all. I decided this route early on, due to my own childhood. I was spanked maybe 6,7 times growing up and I was grounded a lot. I had things taken away, no contact with friends, no going anywhere and so forth. I feared my parents and never spoke up to them. I didn't have a very close relationship with them either. I lied a lot, due to fear. I also did many things behind their back. A lot of those things were dangerous and my way of coping with the punishment I recieved. I knew, when I became a parent, that I did not want this with my own children. It never made me feel good personlly, and it drove my relationship with my parents, to shit over time. I had this belief, that when I became a parent, I didn't want my kids to fear me, the way I feared my parents. I'm not a bad human as an adult. I care very much for people, do my best not to hurt and I'm dedicated to raising my kids. In some ways, I could say my parents did a very good job, but truth be told, is I do and practice very little, with my children, what my parents ever did to me. When my kids were little, I didn't do the greatest job. I didn't know what to do sometimes. After all, I knew what I didn't want to do, because of what my parents did to me, yet I didn't know what to try different. I knew no different and how would I? At first, I tried some of the things my parents had taught me and with not much success. I also didn't feel good doing it and it felt like I was going against my nature of who I really am. I searched out another way, because what I was doing, wasn't working and it wasn't promoting the type of relationship I wanted with my kids. I didn't want my kids to respect me out of fear, I want them to respect me because I'm worthy of respect, because I show my kids respect and treat with them respect. I don't lay my hands on my kids or punish in any way, when they make a mistake and haven't for years. I believe punishment is for adults and teaching is for children. I welcome any and all mistakes my children make and we work together to problem solve it. I don't judge, lecture, critize, punish or isolate. I have a very loving, understanding, open and close relationship with my boys. I have boundaries and they know this and also have their own boundaries, as young adults ( 16, 13). I'm not a perfect parent by any means. I have my moments where I blow and get frustrated, but I also know how to apoligize and mend the hurt to our relationship and they do to now. I have thoughtful boys,they don't blame others when they make a mistake, they even come home and tell us if they did something that wasn't a good choice, they ask advice many times before making a choice ( including not so good ones) they aren't afraid to stand up to us in a good way and they are thinkers. My oldest has a job, besides sports and school and we aren't religious at all. All this, without the use of punishment, threats, fear, bribes and rewards. I only share this, because I see how many people here are struggling with their kids/teens, and I wanted to say, there is a different way and it's possible. We don't have to react or parent out of fear. Doesn't mean I don't feel fear or have fear at times, but 95% of the time, I don't react or parent my children based on my own personal fears and judgement. Their mistakes are their mistakes and I'm just here to guide them through it and be as supportive as possible, while they learn in my care, in a trusted environment.
by on Sep. 14, 2013 at 6:10 AM
Replies (11-20):
PurpleHazey
by on Sep. 15, 2013 at 5:05 AM

 


Quoting atlmom2:

All kids are different and different punishments work for different kids.

I have to agree

 

PurpleHazey
by on Sep. 15, 2013 at 5:10 AM
1 mom liked this

There is nothing wrong with a spanking in their younger years, why are so many against spanking a child, if some of these children had a spanking when they were younger maybe they would of learn't wrong from right.....the kids are out of control and heavy medicated for some form of behavor disorder, has it ever dawned on some that just maybe a spanking would keep them in control but no people rather medcate the actions.

mumsy2three
by Shauna on Sep. 15, 2013 at 7:15 AM


Quoting atlmom2:

All kids are different and different punishments work for different kids.

I agree with this.


GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Sep. 15, 2013 at 7:19 AM

I spanked my DD until she was 13 and then graduated to slapping her leg and (and in extreme circumstances) her face. I had a very strong willed, very defiant, child who refused to take any punishment seriously. there was no point grounding her because nobody wanted to be her friend, I couldn't take her books because she had a lot of english assignments that required reading, If I took away privlieges like computer time she became incredibly violent and I had to restrain her for fear of her hitting a sibling or running out the door. Timeouts didn't work because she would run out, scream herself until she vomitted all over herself and just refused to cooperate. Because she was over 14, I wasn't allowed to put her in counselling without her consent. I had to wait until SHE decided to consent to counselling before she began to get better. Even now I have to restrict her from her room in order to make her talk about her feelings instead of bottling it up and getting angry. I've had to slap her three times since she was 18 - and nobody has ever condoned me for it in real life - they've all said she needed that slap to see sense. So no - there is not ALWAYS a better way to parent.

Ewa101
by Bronze Member on Sep. 15, 2013 at 9:02 AM

You're right.  I am on my third teenager - no punishment, just conversation.  I believe, if you do it right from the start, they acquire your values, and find no point in fighting you. I also believe that If a parent relies on punishment as a way of teaching lessons, the relationship with the kid spirals downward, with ever increasing punishments until there's nothing more to be taken away, and then the parent doesn't know what to do.

my2kidsmom9498
by Bronze Member on Sep. 15, 2013 at 12:49 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Punishment is meant to teach.  Discipline comes from the word disciple, meaning a student.  If your kid breaks throws a rock and breaks a window, s/he gets a good lecture? Not, a job of cleaning up and making amends to fix the window?  There is more to living in the world than words, actions are needed  as well. 


Quoting Ewa101:

You're right.  I am on my third teenager - no punishment, just conversation.  I believe, if you do it right from the start, they acquire your values, and find no point in fighting you. I also believe that If a parent relies on punishment as a way of teaching lessons, the relationship with the kid spirals downward, with ever increasing punishments until there's nothing more to be taken away, and then the parent doesn't know what to do.


 

ebbierowe
by Member on Sep. 15, 2013 at 12:55 PM
I don't parent out of fear but I do teach my kids there are consequences for their actions, just like there will be when they leave my home. I have well behaved children. We have a good relationship. They know the rules and they know what happens when they break one. They are more then welcome to discuss rules they don't agree with or think should change as long as the approach it in a respectful way, no whining or saying its not fair.

Dh and I listen and we have actually adjusted rules occasionally.
bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Sep. 15, 2013 at 5:11 PM
1 mom liked this
Many times parents who have kids who are out of control have that problem because they are LAZY parents! I've known plenty of parents that yelled at, slapped and spanked their kids for their kids to still be out of control. I think it comes down to patents sadly that are too dang lazy, busy on their cell phones to pay attention or follow through with consistent discipline and consequences for their kids.

Quoting PurpleHazey:

There is nothing wrong with a spanking in their younger years, why are so many against spanking a child, if some of these children had a spanking when they were younger maybe they would of learn't wrong from right.....the kids are out of control and heavy medicated for some form of behavor disorder, has it ever dawned on some that just maybe a spanking would keep them in control but no people rather medcate the actions.

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Lorelai_Nicole
by Lorelai on Sep. 16, 2013 at 1:13 AM

I don't spank my kids, and the definitely don't fear me. But, they respect me. Why? Because I respect them. I do punish them when they misbehave, but it's never physical: usually timeouts for the younger kiddos, and revoking privileges or taking away favorite items for the older ones. So far, it's working well for my kids. They are 13 (14 next month), 9, 6, and 17 months. I also have custody of my 17yo niece, and my 12yo niece is moving in with us next month.

Alexis Emma 10-13-1999 - 13 years old
Kirsten Leslie 03-14-2004 - 9 years old
Sarah Mackenzie 08-14-2007 - 5 years old
Charlotte Amelia & Harmon David 04-12-2012 - 16 months old
Angela Victoria 06-09-1996 - 17 years old (niece) 

cheetah90210
by Member on Sep. 16, 2013 at 1:38 AM
And I'm wondering why so many parents are trying to force their opinions on desipline periode on other parents .wether they spank or not ,it's not your child and who's to say that spanking or not spanking your child is the right or wrong way. in my opinion it's not the spanking or non spanking that damages a child it's the other things parents do or don't do.
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