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I'm wondering why so parents seem to be into spanking......

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and punishment? It seems, that most of the advice given here is, to come down on a child even harder, when they don't obey or make repeat offenses. That this will give the best results and if it doesn't you must not be doing it right. What's interesting, is that I don't spank or use punishment at all. I decided this route early on, due to my own childhood. I was spanked maybe 6,7 times growing up and I was grounded a lot. I had things taken away, no contact with friends, no going anywhere and so forth. I feared my parents and never spoke up to them. I didn't have a very close relationship with them either. I lied a lot, due to fear. I also did many things behind their back. A lot of those things were dangerous and my way of coping with the punishment I recieved. I knew, when I became a parent, that I did not want this with my own children. It never made me feel good personlly, and it drove my relationship with my parents, to shit over time. I had this belief, that when I became a parent, I didn't want my kids to fear me, the way I feared my parents. I'm not a bad human as an adult. I care very much for people, do my best not to hurt and I'm dedicated to raising my kids. In some ways, I could say my parents did a very good job, but truth be told, is I do and practice very little, with my children, what my parents ever did to me. When my kids were little, I didn't do the greatest job. I didn't know what to do sometimes. After all, I knew what I didn't want to do, because of what my parents did to me, yet I didn't know what to try different. I knew no different and how would I? At first, I tried some of the things my parents had taught me and with not much success. I also didn't feel good doing it and it felt like I was going against my nature of who I really am. I searched out another way, because what I was doing, wasn't working and it wasn't promoting the type of relationship I wanted with my kids. I didn't want my kids to respect me out of fear, I want them to respect me because I'm worthy of respect, because I show my kids respect and treat with them respect. I don't lay my hands on my kids or punish in any way, when they make a mistake and haven't for years. I believe punishment is for adults and teaching is for children. I welcome any and all mistakes my children make and we work together to problem solve it. I don't judge, lecture, critize, punish or isolate. I have a very loving, understanding, open and close relationship with my boys. I have boundaries and they know this and also have their own boundaries, as young adults ( 16, 13). I'm not a perfect parent by any means. I have my moments where I blow and get frustrated, but I also know how to apoligize and mend the hurt to our relationship and they do to now. I have thoughtful boys,they don't blame others when they make a mistake, they even come home and tell us if they did something that wasn't a good choice, they ask advice many times before making a choice ( including not so good ones) they aren't afraid to stand up to us in a good way and they are thinkers. My oldest has a job, besides sports and school and we aren't religious at all. All this, without the use of punishment, threats, fear, bribes and rewards. I only share this, because I see how many people here are struggling with their kids/teens, and I wanted to say, there is a different way and it's possible. We don't have to react or parent out of fear. Doesn't mean I don't feel fear or have fear at times, but 95% of the time, I don't react or parent my children based on my own personal fears and judgement. Their mistakes are their mistakes and I'm just here to guide them through it and be as supportive as possible, while they learn in my care, in a trusted environment.
by on Sep. 14, 2013 at 6:10 AM
Replies (21-28):
Ewa101
by Bronze Member on Sep. 16, 2013 at 7:40 AM

 What you are talking about are natural consequences, which we all have to live with.  I am not for cleaning up for our kids.  On the contrary, I am all for responsibility.  Hopefully, by the time he is able to throw the rock at the window, the child knows it is wrong, and he knows why it is wrong.  And he will not do it.  My son knew that he was forbidden to throw balls in the house - too many breakables too dear to my heart.   He did it anyway, and broke a vase.  Not only there was no end to his crying and apologizing, but he asked what he could do to make the money, and buy it.  He could not - it was a gift from a different country.  In the end, a few years later, one of his friends was going to the country the vase was from.  He gave the friend money, and now I have a new vase, and the memories of both vases. 

 

 


Quoting my2kidsmom9498:

 

Punishment is meant to teach.  Discipline comes from the word disciple, meaning a student.  If your kid breaks throws a rock and breaks a window, s/he gets a good lecture? Not, a job of cleaning up and making amends to fix the window?  There is more to living in the world than words, actions are needed  as well. 

 

Quoting Ewa101:

You're right.  I am on my third teenager - no punishment, just conversation.  I believe, if you do it right from the start, they acquire your values, and find no point in fighting you. I also believe that If a parent relies on punishment as a way of teaching lessons, the relationship with the kid spirals downward, with ever increasing punishments until there's nothing more to be taken away, and then the parent doesn't know what to do.

 

 


 

PurpleHazey
by on Sep. 16, 2013 at 9:02 AM

 


Quoting bizzeemom2717:

Many times parents who have kids who are out of control have that problem because they are LAZY parents! I've known plenty of parents that yelled at, slapped and spanked their kids for their kids to still be out of control. I think it comes down to patents sadly that are too dang lazy, busy on their cell phones to pay attention or follow through with consistent discipline and consequences for their kids.

Quoting PurpleHazey:

There is nothing wrong with a spanking in their younger years, why are so many against spanking a child, if some of these children had a spanking when they were younger maybe they would of learn't wrong from right.....the kids are out of control and heavy medicated for some form of behavor disorder, has it ever dawned on some that just maybe a spanking would keep them in control but no people rather medcate the actions.

I do agree with you, I seen a lot of this with parents who sun bath at the beach, the kids are running around and getting into our people's coolers and their moms are laying out in the sand not even watching what their kids are doing. I am not sure if it is being lazy or if it is the just don't care.

 

ejwhite_99
by Bronze Member on Sep. 16, 2013 at 12:54 PM
1 mom liked this

To the OP, I believe you and others who are priveleged to not have to spank or punish your child(ren) are fortunate.  All kids are different.  They do not all come from the same cookie cutter.  Therefore, how you handle them will vary.  Think about a fine wine glass, if you just bump it on something, you might break it because it is very fragile so you handle it with extreme care.  Much like you would a child who is very sensitive and easy going.  Then you have the tumbler cup.  Its plastic so its more flexible and pliable.  If you bump that on something, its going to maintain.  Much like the child who is easy going.  They can stand the ocassional bumps and bruises and still be fine.  Then there's the thick tempered glass that will take a lot more than a bump or slip of the hand to break it.  Like the child who just refuses to get it through their thick head that they have to follow the rules of the house or else.  So you see, every parent has to deal with their child accordingly.  Some kids you can get away with just talking too.  Some kids need you to beat that butt.  I believe the key thing is that whatever form of discipline you choose to use, use it with love, teaching and compassion.  I'm the youngest of four and between me and the brother next to me, we got our butts tore up.  I don't think my mother ever had to spank my older brother and sister.  My brother and I were just defiant like that.  One thing I never feared though, was my mother.  I may have feared the whipping but not my mother.  Huge difference.  The same hand that showed me discipline and correction, showed me love.  And I saw a lot more of the love than I did the discipline.

drfink
by Emily on Sep. 16, 2013 at 1:09 PM
1 mom liked this

 I do not spank.I believe in consequences of action.I try to make the consequence fit the action ,though if it is not realistic I will remove privileges.

drfink
by Emily on Sep. 16, 2013 at 1:17 PM
1 mom liked this

 I agree with you bizzee.It is effort to keep with and follow through with consequences.Consequences tend to be over a bit of time and follow through is vital.

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

Many times parents who have kids who are out of control have that problem because they are LAZY parents! I've known plenty of parents that yelled at, slapped and spanked their kids for their kids to still be out of control. I think it comes down to patents sadly that are too dang lazy, busy on their cell phones to pay attention or follow through with consistent discipline and consequences for their kids.

Quoting PurpleHazey:

There is nothing wrong with a spanking in their younger years, why are so many against spanking a child, if some of these children had a spanking when they were younger maybe they would of learn't wrong from right.....the kids are out of control and heavy medicated for some form of behavor disorder, has it ever dawned on some that just maybe a spanking would keep them in control but no people rather medcate the actions.

 

Momofmenagerie
by Member on Sep. 16, 2013 at 1:27 PM
1 mom liked this
I very rarely spank, but it isn't off the table... typically, when it was considered when they were little, and the threat was enough.


I'm a firm believer that your kids should think you're a little nuts, a bit scary.....It keeps them in line.

For instance, if I say " if i find out you lied to me about your homework being done , tomorrow something important will be missing from your room ."

That may mean the normal electronics....or it COULD mean his top drawer may have no sock or underwear in it. It could mean that all electronics and games are visible, but the power cord to the TV has been taken.
In my son's case ... Perhaps his " Thursday shirt" isn't there when he goes to get dressed.

With boys that will eventually tower over you, discipline must start early, Mom MUST always be in charge so when they are five or more inches taller than you, THEY are still looking TO you, even if you are looking up AT them.
ejwhite_99
by Bronze Member on Sep. 16, 2013 at 1:59 PM

I like that!


Quoting Momofmenagerie:

With boys that eventually tower over you, discipline must start early, Mom MUST always be in charge so when they are five or more inches taller than you, THEY are still looking UP to YOU, even if you are looking up AT them.



Maverick1957
by Member on Sep. 18, 2013 at 3:37 PM

ADDRESSING THE ISSUE OF [SPANKIN] 1ST as your posting is all jumbled, no breaks in paragraphs.  I'll save an read the entire post later.

Let me tell you something... I got spankings, my butt worn OUT at times during childhood.  NOT child ABUSE, just a good ole fashioned BUTT WHUPPING.  Never hurt me and 9 out of 10 times I dearly deserved it.  We did same with DS and it all depended on severity of the infraction, i.e. 3 licks up to 10.  Most he ever got was EIGHT.  And now at 26 he says we didn't spank him enough.

Spanking is a LOT of times a simple [attitude adjustment] and it worked for me, my son as well.

Had DH now and I done that w/stepson he wouldn't be the [renegade] he is now.  But not my son legally so I had very little say/so in that realm.  Plus people here mostly don't believe in such.

Agree w/some of the others...all kids are different.  What works for some...doesn't for others.  With SS, taking privs away ...worked ...for a while.  Now NOTHING affects him. No consequences at ALL affect him.  And he's gone M.I.A. all wkend then Mon, Tues from school bus.

Will further adress your comments later.  Not dissing you. Just giving you MY initial opion on spanking. 








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