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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Everything thinks my daughter is an angel...

Posted by on Sep. 28, 2013 at 4:44 PM
  • 12 Replies

And she is an awesome kid... Everywhere but home.

at church, grandparents house, friends houses, etc. She is extremely helpful and polite. She goes above and beyond to listen and be courteous. Everyone adores her.

She was diagnosed with Aspergers two years ago, but very mild. She turned 13 a few months ago.

at home, she is completely different. My fault for spoiling her when she was younger. She won't take a shower unless we drag in her in there. She won't brush her teeth, she lies about the dumbest things, won't clean her room, won't help with household chores.. If I can get her out of her room,  she will take her sweet ass time and do everything half-ass. She isn't overly disrespectful, she just doesn't care.

ive taken everything away... No tv, no cell, no iPod, nothing. She entertains herself by picking at her toenails. I've taken everything away for a month and it doesn't phase her.

ive tried talking to her.. Yelling at her.. Spanking her.. Grounding her.. 

Started taking her to a therapist for the aspergers and they suggested we stop disciplining her and start rewarding her??? Ok, so I tried that. My house is full of check off charts and the house looks like a rainbow disaster. The checklists don't work, the rewards worked for a week, but she wants to be taken out a pampered. Mani, pedi, new clothes??? All the time. 

She told her therapist that she only feels loved when we buy her stuff.

what happened to my baby girl. Who is this new teenage brat?

when I say she was spoiled when she was younger, it is because my mother and father buy her any and everything she wanted, they still do. I've talked to them but they just complain that I'm a sucky mom.

I hope not.

she is respectful towards others, thank goodness. Just not at home.

im happy she isn't smoking, doing drugs, stealing or drinking... But what can I do?

please don't bash me.. I am just looking for advice.

by on Sep. 28, 2013 at 4:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
balagan_imma
by Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 4:50 PM

I know it sucks and is a giant pain. Teens are like toddlers with larger vocabularies. They are constantly pushing boundaries. And like toddlers they need consistent discipline. Reward her for the good and punish her for the bad.

Honestly, you want her to be the horrible pain at home and not with others. Everyone has told me that it's a good thing because they feel comfortable enough at home to let their guard down and be their worst.

The other thing I've seen in my house is that the pain in the tush toddler has turned into the most awesome, easy teen (except for the occasional hissy when something pisses him off.) My darling sweet baby girl is now the pain in the rear. She isn't as bad as she could be, but it still isn't fun.

PurpleHazey
by on Sep. 28, 2013 at 5:10 PM

We all know, but at least they are good somewhere else.

GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:02 PM
3 moms liked this
I'm actually really surprised that she's so into manicures and things considering she has aspergers. Most aspergers girls (including my Daughter) are NOT interested in hygiene and nice things at all. I would tell her, that if she can get in the shower, wash herself, take care of her skin, teeth and hair for a week, then she can get her fingernails painted, another week, her toes, the next a little makeover and the last week of the month a little shopping trip. Unless she does something extreme, do not take away these things for behaviour, this is a specific reward for hygiene NOT behaviour. For my Daughter i rewarded her with books or a trip to the library. Make a routine, make her aware at (eg) 6pm it is shower time, everything else gets put down and she goes to have a shower EVERY NIGHT. If you do both things for about 3 months, then you'll be able to scale back on the rewards and do it fortnightly (so every 2 weeks she does one thing).

As for her behaviour, start the day with a reward for the end of the day, tell her that this is what happens if she's well behaved at the end of the day she can get X. Let little tiny things go, but things like lying, etc, get points taken off, and she can earn it back for good behaviour.

Stop spanking. It is incredibly wrong to spank a 13yo (in my opinion) my daughter came to me the other week and explained how disgusted she felt every time she got spanked, like she wasn't in control of who touched her body. In my opinion, spanking a teenage girl when there are other solutions teaches them that they are not in control of their body and that anyone can touch them without permission....at least that's how my aspergers girl thought.
luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:12 PM
1 mom liked this

I think Gleeking has some good advice, and thought I'd share a story about my DD.


My DD was HELL, she rebelled like no other, but at school she was loved and adored by her friends and the teachers. Teachers would think I was crazy when I would mention that she was really a problem child at home. 

One day in the grocery store she went ballistic on me about something, I can't even remember anymore, when a lady comes around the corner (I later learned the teacher was coming around to see what all of the rukus was) and saw with her very own eye's my DD's behavior. She about fainted, and my DD shut up so fast her head spun lol

Needless to say my DD never did that in public again. Home was a different story.She did outgrow it, she did become the person I knew she was, but it was hell for many, many years.

nkki954
by Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:35 PM

Thank you.

its been a long time since my dh has spanked her. The advice you gave is very helpful, and most of it is in her behavior plan, but I will try the daily reward (and the weekly) to see if it helps.

thanks again.

Quoting GleekingOut:

I'm actually really surprised that she's so into manicures and things considering she has aspergers. Most aspergers girls (including my Daughter) are NOT interested in hygiene and nice things at all. I would tell her, that if she can get in the shower, wash herself, take care of her skin, teeth and hair for a week, then she can get her fingernails painted, another week, her toes, the next a little makeover and the last week of the month a little shopping trip. Unless she does something extreme, do not take away these things for behaviour, this is a specific reward for hygiene NOT behaviour. For my Daughter i rewarded her with books or a trip to the library. Make a routine, make her aware at (eg) 6pm it is shower time, everything else gets put down and she goes to have a shower EVERY NIGHT. If you do both things for about 3 months, then you'll be able to scale back on the rewards and do it fortnightly (so every 2 weeks she does one thing).

As for her behaviour, start the day with a reward for the end of the day, tell her that this is what happens if she's well behaved at the end of the day she can get X. Let little tiny things go, but things like lying, etc, get points taken off, and she can earn it back for good behaviour.

Stop spanking. It is incredibly wrong to spank a 13yo (in my opinion) my daughter came to me the other week and explained how disgusted she felt every time she got spanked, like she wasn't in control of who touched her body. In my opinion, spanking a teenage girl when there are other solutions teaches them that they are not in control of their body and that anyone can touch them without permission....at least that's how my aspergers girl thought.


bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Sep. 29, 2013 at 3:20 AM
You said you had tried therapy, did you try a specific behavior therapist that has experience with special needs children? Yikes other than that idk, if taking away privileges doesn't work, that's what I do with my kids. Hang in there and good luck
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suesues
by Silver Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 8:57 AM

try differnt dr till someone helps you

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Sep. 29, 2013 at 7:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Explain why her personal hygiene is important and must be a priority.   Set the rules and stick to them.  For me, that would be:  School is required.  If you choose to attend without showering or brushing your teeth, be prepared to be teased and ostracised.      Anywhere else; you do not go.  If you can't be bothered to make yourself presentable, you do not need to force your filth on others.   Stay home.    If you can't be clean for meals, you will not join the family at the table.   The family deserves to eat in a clean environment. 

As for cleaning her room:   Make it easy to clean.   Remove everything but that bare necesseties.  

As for the mani & pedi's and new clothing.   I would tell her that when she is responsible enough to practice good personal hygiene on a daily basis for a certain length of time (a month) then you will reward her with a mani or a pedi.

My son ia an Aspie, also high functioning.   He is a master of manipulation.  If it isn't logical, it does not exist or isn't worth considering, in his world.    He is all about cause & effect.   Very simple works best for him. (and me, as long, detailed explanations extend into very looong discussions and debates)  

In other words, he practices personal hygiene because it is in his best interest. 

1) He feels better when clean.  2) Being clean is the best defense against germs, illness and disease.  3) Being unclean is offensive to others which does not serve him well.  




02nana07
by Ida on Sep. 29, 2013 at 10:41 PM

You said she only feel loved when you buy her stuff I wouldn't buy her anything until she changed.

If she doesn't change she needs to get a job or  do chores to earn the things she wants.

PinkButterfly66
by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 2:52 AM
1 mom liked this

Just be consistent with the consequences.  It took time for us too.  When we first started insisting that she set the table and take out the trash, she threw a fit.  But we kept insisting.  Now she does these without complaining (most of the time).  I have even gotten her to run the vacuum.

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