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Advice Needed: I m having a hard time letting my 23 year...

Posted by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 12:31 AM
  • 10 Replies

I'm having a hard time letting my 23 year old be independent. Is this age group too old for this site?

My daughter is a great, smart kid.  Just started in the working world.  She will not discuss anything with me that she feels is not my business!  I'm frustrated and I know I need to let her make her own mistakes, but it is very hard for me to do.  I guess I have control issues?  Any advice is welcome!

by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 12:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Mrs_Nelson
by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 12:41 AM
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Many women at that age are getting married and starting families. She isn't a kid anymore and it's not a mistake if she decides to do something you do not approve of...its her making a choice as an adult for her own life. I have already stated to separate from my ds 16 and teaching him to care for himself and make good choices. I know I did a good job raising him and I trust him to make good choices. Do you believe that you did a good job with her? If you do them let her go and prove it.
Jenn77712
by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 12:52 AM

Thank you.  Yes, I feel like she is a great person.  Procrastinates too much, but otherwise pretty perfect.  She's also fairly introverted and lives across the country from home.  I worry about, never had a date, etc. I just plain worry a lot!  She is my only child, lucky girl has no other siblings to share the attention with! 

bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Sep. 30, 2013 at 1:55 AM
I would try the moms with adult children group. My oldest will be 21 in December, lives 6 hours away in a rented house off his college campus this year and is very independent because he was raised to be so. I always felt it was my job as a parent to prepare them for the real world by age 18 adulthood. It's not easy but we have to let go.
I was an only child. I also though was married and a mother by the age of 20, my parents have always been very supportive and active loving Grandparents but never overstepped that bound and let me live my life and make my own choices ( I made mostly good a few bad and learned from them). If my parents had been over bearing I don't think we would have been as close.
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GleekingOut
by Silver Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 9:00 AM

Of course she doesn't discuss anything she feels is NOT your business :P She's an adult, a independant adult who has the RIGHT to do so. Start doing more things for you, shopping, decorating, reading, all the things you COULDN'T do when she lived with you. I have a almost 22  year old still living at home (with disabilities) so I'm a lot more 'in her business' than I would be your average 22yo - but different circumstances. I'd set a time for twice a week skype's/phone conversations and tell her that she is welcome to call you at any time, but you will only 'bug' her twice a week.She's gotta make her own mistakes, and the only way she can learn is by doing it completley  herself, even down to NOT hearing you say "i told you so".

mt0130
by Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 9:30 AM

I feel your pain, I have a 19 yo only son and I had a hard time letting go of the reins when he went 5 hours away to college last year. He too is a procrastinator and my husband and I would be on his back to get his work done, but nothing we said did anything so we have learned to keep quiet about it and just let him talk about what he has to do, because in the end he always gets the work done. He is also introverted like your daughter and doesn't talk to anyone outside his little group of friends, that still bothers me that he isn't enjoying more of the college experience, but in the end it is his life and it will have to be his regrets. We all want to help our children not make mistakes but they need to make them to learn from them and to learn that their parents may have been right and only wanted the best for them-my son hasn't quite gotten that yet! But as I said you need to just ask how she is doing and let her talk but not try to fix things for her, she will ask when she wants your advice. Best of luck, just keep the lines of communication open and try not to judge what she is doing. We learned this first hand because our son is dating a verbally abusive girl, and we started off telling him we weren't too fond of her-BIG MISTAKE-we have felt the distance come between us and we don't want to lose him so we don't say anything anymore and hope this is another mistake that he learns from, and gets out of soon on his own. "Talking from the heart" is another good group on this site that you might want to look into joining.


Quoting Jenn77712:

Thank you.  Yes, I feel like she is a great person.  Procrastinates too much, but otherwise pretty perfect.  She's also fairly introverted and lives across the country from home.  I worry about, never had a date, etc. I just plain worry a lot!  She is my only child, lucky girl has no other siblings to share the attention with! 



atlmom2
by Susie on Sep. 30, 2013 at 9:54 AM
No, but there is Mom's with adult children. I have a 22 yo and visit there often. I love my dd is growing up. It comes with pains. She is moving home today. Her boyfriend of over 2 years broke up with her. They have been living together 14 months.

Do not expect adult children to tell you things. If they offer fine. If they don't fine also. You have to let go. Should have at 18.
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boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Sep. 30, 2013 at 7:00 PM


Quoting atlmom2:

No, but there is Mom's with adult children. I have a 22 yo and visit there often. I love my dd is growing up. It comes with pains. She is moving home today. Her boyfriend of over 2 years broke up with her. They have been living together 14 months.

Do not expect adult children to tell you things. If they offer fine. If they don't fine also. You have to let go. Should have at 18.

How is your DD holding up? 




boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Sep. 30, 2013 at 7:16 PM

My advice is to find that soft line between being her Mother & being a friend.   She is an adult.  You need to have faith that you've raised her to be the best she can be.....now it is up to her.    The next time you ask her something personal and she says it is none of your buisiness, simply tell her that you understand but you are available if she wants to talk.   Don't judge!  Judging or belittling her choices is a sure fire way to get her to keep mum.  

My son is 23.  He lives at home with us but is moving out soon.... I am so going to miss him!   He is very private since graduating college.   I think he believes he is supposed to be.  When I ask him what he is doing or where he is going or with whom, he answers: "Things, places, people".   Whatever.   I no longer ask.    I just say Be Safe and Have Fun.        It is hard when he talks about his job, as I want to give advice but this is his job and he has his own ideas and plans to move up the ladder.    I bite my tongue until I have the proper opportunity..... then I lead with "It is your choice, of course and you have a better understanding of how the company works, but have you considered_____"?    Then I let it go.




juno1
by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 8:08 PM
1 mom liked this

Roots and wings.....  our job is to give them roots and wings.

 At 23 she is an adult.  You finished  filling her toolbox a long time ago...it is now closed and for her to open and use as she sees fit.  

Try approaching her as you would a friend.  Don't judge and don't badger her with questions.  Make some new adult memories with her and appreciate where she is.. and how she is.  If she doesn't feel pressured to always be giving you details she may start to open up.  But here is the catch, if you over react to her choices ( even a teeny bit...like pursing your lips) her lips will seal...  

You may be having trouble letting her go...but you see, she has already flown.  Time to redefine your role as mom...  good luck

02nana07
by Ida on Sep. 30, 2013 at 9:13 PM

 I agree with this well said

Quoting juno1:

Roots and wings.....  our job is to give them roots and wings.

 At 23 she is an adult.  You finished  filling her toolbox a long time ago...it is now closed and for her to open and use as she sees fit.  

Try approaching her as you would a friend.  Don't judge and don't badger her with questions.  Make some new adult memories with her and appreciate where she is.. and how she is.  If she doesn't feel pressured to always be giving you details she may start to open up.  But here is the catch, if you over react to her choices ( even a teeny bit...like pursing your lips) her lips will seal...  

You may be having trouble letting her go...but you see, she has already flown.  Time to redefine your role as mom...  good luck

 

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