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UPDATE: Could your kid ever be bad enough to be given to foster care?

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 Could you ever voluntarily give your kid to foster care?  Knowing that the foster care system today is not the greatest, could you possibly give your kid up knowing that they would hate you and you wouldn't be able to see them until they turned 18, even if it is only for 6 months?

My son is well, let me think, prince and demon at the same time.  He has been checked by numerous counselors/psychologists, as well as hospitalized for mental illness and every time is given a clean bill of health with no mental problems.  Let's see, less than a week ago, he informed me that if he does not finish high school (through his own actions or getting kicked out at 18) he will kill himself (a usual threat which got him locked up more than once) but not before he inflicted "the most hurt you can ever imagine" on me.  "More than if I ripped off your arm" is what he said.  Then told me that when he does commit suicide it will be because *I* murdered him and that it would kill my youngest and I would be a murder of two people.  I was pretty pissed off listening to this crap. 

My youngest has a disease that stress causes incredible pain and she usually ends up in the hospital for it.  Right now, husband and son are occupying the basement (fully furnished) and husband is in charge of almost everything when it comes to him.  He saw me because he was outside and I went to get something from the shed.  The girls are isolated from him to minimize the stress.  The doctor is very upset about it all and contacted social services who asked if we wanted him placed in foster care. 

It seems a little extreme to me, but I'm wondering if there are others who would consider this an option for their families.  By the way, his latest outburst was not overheard by the girls who were on the opposite side of the house watching television so they didn't hear the outburst.

Update on page 3, post 30.  Lengthy but worth the read.

by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 1:18 AM
Replies (21-30):
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 12:06 AM

Regular foster care is NOT the place for him. But this new threat means back to a mental health care facility. I would even consider going out of state to find one.

by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 7:41 AM

no foster care wont help I would rather commit him to a mental institute then again cant say untill your in the position but all i can say is he cant live with you he needs professsion help Or else he could wind up in jail itf

by on Oct. 8, 2013 at 12:35 PM

Whew.... this is a hard one.  The thing is, he is a threat to you and your girls.  The system is indeed broken because, really there is no where to 'put' him where he will be safe and not a threat to others.  I mean, even in Foster Care he could end up being a threat to the host family.  WIll insurance pay anything towards him being in a facility where they can handle the threats and perhaps help him get better?  I mean... there has to be somewhere you can get help while you and the family are safe....  can your DOc provide no other alternative than foster care?

by on Oct. 8, 2013 at 11:01 PM
No but military school would help.
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 12:48 AM
My boyfriend was put in foster care at 14 by his parents. They were divorced, and both gave up on him. He was an angry person, and was always in trouble. He stole a car & wrecked it, which was the last straw for his parents. While in foster care, he was sent to a group home. While there, he started drinking and doing drugs. Once he turned 18 and was on his own, he was in jail more than he was out. Finally, at age 32, it was either get his life together or go to prison. He went into a program for drugs and alcohol, and once he graduated he moved 600 miles away. We met about a year later. He's had one relapse (when we went to his old hometown to visit family & he ran into an old "friend") When I found out he had done meth, we left & came back home early. He went right back to NA meetings. I'm proud to say he now has 3 years clean and sober :) My advice to you is if you have to do this, do your research. Make sure he's not going to a place where he will be abused, or put in close contact with even more bad issues. My boyfriend hated his parents for a long time for giving up.... His father died & they were never able to reconcile, but him & his mom are close again. I wish you all the luck in the world.. I can't imagine being in this situation.
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:03 AM

 In my state if you give a child up to foster care you get charged with abandonment and face loosing your other children.  You are lucky to have DH and a way to isolate him from the rest of the family.  I wonder what your son's reaction would be if when he is acting out verbally you look at him and calmly say "I will love you no matter what because you are my son and if you kill yourself I will miss you and still love you."  What fun is it to be mean verbally if he gets no reaction?

by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:09 AM
They have a boot camp in the dmv area that allows your child to be in the military if they chose once they turn 18

Quoting fantasticfour:

Quoting atlmom2:

I would send him to boot camp.

Boot camps don't exist in VA anymore, trust me I've looked EVERYWHERE.

by Silver Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 4:59 PM

 My oldest went to foster care and it did her a world of good. 

by Grumpy on Oct. 10, 2013 at 1:06 AM

 What is the DMV area?  And how much is it?

Quoting cheetah90210:

They have a boot camp in the dmv area that allows your child to be in the military if they chose once they turn 18

Quoting fantasticfour:

Quoting atlmom2:

I would send him to boot camp.

Boot camps don't exist in VA anymore, trust me I've looked EVERYWHERE.


by Grumpy on Oct. 10, 2013 at 1:15 AM

 Update: My son has been pretty decent lately.  At school he is getting good grades, is not stealing (that we can tell and yes we have people keep an eye on him), and his behavior is good.  At home, he has stopped stealing (we search everything everyday) and his behavior has mellowed quite a bit.  Hubby, myself and him had a conversation when he got upset with me (I said I don't hate him) and he ended up towards the end ACTUALLY talking.  Not whining, complaining, sniffling, etc.  He explained some of his issues and we discussed some of ours.  He asked for forgiveness for things he had done (named a list of them) and when we gave our conditions for them (you are certain you will not do it again) he asked again for forgiveness for a shorter list.  He will come to us later when he feels certain he can make the other's happen.  He is still away from the girls but he seems to be really reacting better.

Discussed his threats of suicide and he did inform us that he does not want to commit suicide or think he ever could.  That he does say that to us because he knows we get upset and it hurts us.  We discussed how we don't want to be in a position when he is desperately reaching out and we think he is just crying wolf.  He has put a plan in place with school (we found it in a binder in the back), has set goals for himself, and has made a list of things he wants to do to show us that he's not going to be the person he was.  None of this was suggested to him, and it was hidden in a folder in his backpack.  This was for himself, not for us.  I actually think some headway is being made.

When he sees me, he goes out of his way to plesantly speak to me, inquire about how I'm doing, and what's going on.  Today I fell asleep when I got home from the hospital and he was locked outside for almost 3 hours in the pouring rain.  I woke up after hubby got home and let him in.  I chewed out the girls for letting me sleep when I asked one of them to wake me up when my alarm went off (she was home today from school) and went down to let him in only to find him in the bathroom. 

I apologized and told him I had fallen asleep.  He should not have been out there it was cold and wet.  He told me that I must have been exhausted, not to worry about it because if he had figured it all out a month ago, he wouldn't be in this position.  He told me he's fine now, don't worry about it and then inquired about his sister.  Is she home?   Is that why you're home?  Is she doing better?  Do you think they got the meds right this time?  Is there anything I can do? 

Sounds like he is getting better, even though the doc seems to think that she has brother disease instead of crohn's disease.

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