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In Desperate Need of Advice!

Posted by on Oct. 17, 2013 at 9:30 PM
  • 25 Replies

Hi, Everyone!

I joined this group just recently and I sure could use some advice. We have a 17 year old daugher and since she turned 15, she's given us all kinds of grief. She's smoked pot, experimented with salvia, lied to us, sneaked over to her boyfriend's house, etc. I took her to counseling with a teen counselor for 3 sessions, but she never contributed, so I stopped it due to the cost and not getting much out of it, from her standpoint. Our trust in her and her ability to make good decisions has been lost. I've been deeply hurt by her. She can look us right in the eye and tell us it's one way and we find out later, it's another way. 

Well, she's currently dating a boy that we dont care for, at all. He's a high school drop out, for one thing. They both lied to us about him attending a local high school and we later found out that he's  drop out. My husband and I have learned to be very good detectives. Before this all came out, we'd allowed her to meet her boyfriend at a local park a few times to "hang out". Well, I started thinking about the time because they'd meet up around 3 PM, right after my daughter's school let out. He supposdly atttended another local high school. So, I looked online at the time it let out...3:30 PM. When our daughter got home one afternoon, we confronted her about it and she admitted they'd lied...that he had dropped out. SO NOT HAPPY! We, also, found pretty explicit text messages they'd sent each other. She said they never did anything...it was all just joking between them. Any parent wants to believe that's the case, but I think they got involved in very heavy petting at the park. Makes me sick to my stomach! She did state on there that she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. His older brother (19) had a baby out of wedlock about 5 months ago. We let her know how hurt and disappointed we were...I can't begin to tell you, in fact. I can't trust her and I certainly don't trust him! We took her phone away and grounded her. My husband wrote the boyfriend a message stating that he'd read the messages he's sent to our daughter and that he better NEVER ask her to engage in those kinds of things! Would you believe that her boyfriend wrote back and told him that our daughter is a "big girl" and can make her own decisions? The next time he saw him, my husband chewed him out!  We want him to GO AWAY! We both think he's trouble, but our daughter is convinced he's "Mr. Wonderful".

Question is...how do we discourage their relationship? We don't think we can ever allow her to go out with him? We don't trust him as far as we can throw him...and, quite honestly, our daughter, either! We fear he'll try to convince her to do things she's been taught not to do. When she gets her phone back, we're going to block texting during school hours and her phone will cut off at 9 PM because she can't control it. My daughter and I don't get along very well, anymore, and that makes me so sad. I'm paranoid now about allowing her to go anywhere. Just recently, my husband and I spied on her and her boyfriend. Caught her driving him around...and she isn't legally supposed to do that until Dec. It's just always something! Anytime we take a few steps forward, we take 15 back. Any advice would be much appreciated. The more we try to break them apart, the more they're drawn together. 


by on Oct. 17, 2013 at 9:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lucky2Beeme
by Gold Member on Oct. 17, 2013 at 9:42 PM
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tell her she can she him at your house. Invite him over and kill him with kindness. While he is there ask him what his plans are for the future. Ask him if he plans to propose to your DD once she graduates. Do he see them getting married ? has he thought about how he could support her and maybe kids  Ask him every damn question you can think of that will make him say to himself WTF ?

Coqui17
by on Oct. 17, 2013 at 9:48 PM
In Illinois, you can call the Secretary of State and block her permit until 18. My daughter stayed acting out and we locked her down. She isn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything! We monitor everything and everyone she is with. We have slowly stayed letting her make decisions on her own and she is doing so much better, we couldn't be more proud.
luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Oct. 17, 2013 at 9:59 PM
Have you even met him, or are you just basing this off of information you've gathered here or there?

Trust me, don't always judge a book by its cover, and honestly he sounds like the least of your problems with her
bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Oct. 18, 2013 at 1:23 AM
It's tough because she is 17 very close to an adult where she can say buh bye and move out with this guy, drop out of school whatever in a year or less. I know it's tough but the more you keep her away and forbid this kid the more you will encourage her to rebel and encourage this relationship. Sounds like she has been rebelling since age 15 way before the boyfriend. I would negotiate with her, he can come to YOUR home if she keeps up other responsibilities. Kids alone in a park, yikes even though its a "public" place lots of sex happens in parks. Good luck and hang in there
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doxie64
by on Oct. 18, 2013 at 7:30 AM

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to give me some advice! Yes, we've met the boy on a few occasions. Sorry to say, he gives off some really bad vibes. I still can't believe he had the audacity to tell my husband, in so many words, to back off and allow our daughter to do as she will. Parenting advice from a 17 year old kid??? Really??? That went over like a lead balloon! So, are y'all suggesting that we not allow them to go on any dates? She will have a fit! I really don't even want to see his face, again, to be honest. My daughter defends him to the bitter end! They chat it up on the computer and on the house phone every day. Here's another question...we're allowing her to speak with him for 1 hour after she gets home from school (on the condition that her homework is done) and 30 mins. before she goes to bed. Do you think that's too much? She seems to think it isn't enough. Also, she never comes downstairs to be with my husband and I until after 9:20 PM...she heads to bed at 10:30 PM-11:00 PM. She just isn't very plugged in, anymore, and that makes me sad. Should we tell her that if she isn't downstairs by a certain time, she'll be grounded, or it that too over-the-top? I feel like she's allowed this boy to become her #1 priority and, Lord, help me, if they should contemplate ever getting married! He just has no future, the way I see it! We do have a tracking device on our daughter's phone (which she HATES) and it allows us to keep tabs on where she's at. It shouldn't have to be to that point, though. Like one of you mentioned, I think if the boyfriend does come over, my husband and I are going to sit him down and grill him about everything we want to know. Why did he drop out of school? Does he have plans to ever finish his education? Has he ever used drugs of any kind? Has he ever been in trouble with the law? I just want to send a strong message to him that dating our daughter is going to be FAR from easy!

Not_A_Native
by Bronze Member on Oct. 18, 2013 at 9:05 AM
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You cannot stop this - the more you try, the worse it will get.  She is 17, she IS a big girl.  In just a few months, she can do anything she wants - move out with him, drop out of high school, whatever.  You need to salvage what little is left of your relationship with her.

It seems that you failed to realize that a) you can't choose your childs friends, and b) as they get older, their friends become more important than their family, and c) she SHOULD be moving towards independence from you.

Honestly, I'd suggest some counseling for you and your husband.  SHE sounds like the typical teenager, and you and your husband sound quite a bit over the top.

atlmom2
by Susie on Oct. 18, 2013 at 9:17 AM
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Holy crap, typical teenagers do not hang with drop outs, smoke pot and use salvia and lie and lie. Thank goodness.


Quoting Not_A_Native:

You cannot stop this - the more you try, the worse it will get.  She is 17, she IS a big girl.  In just a few months, she can do anything she wants - move out with him, drop out of high school, whatever.  You need to salvage what little is left of your relationship with her.


It seems that you failed to realize that a) you can't choose your childs friends, and b) as they get older, their friends become more important than their family, and c) she SHOULD be moving towards independence from you.


Honestly, I'd suggest some counseling for you and your husband.  SHE sounds like the typical teenager, and you and your husband sound quite a bit over the top.


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Msgme
by Bronze Member on Oct. 18, 2013 at 10:04 AM

the more you try to get between him and her the more determined she will be to stay with him.  He is not the cause of your dd's bad decision making. She's not a little kid anymore and it wont be that long before she is a legal adult.  she needs consequences for the bad bahavior like drugs and lying.   But the more you disaprove of this boy the longer she will be with him.  Counseling perhaps family counseling as well is a good idea. It will take alot more than 3 sessions tho.

As for the lying and other things My kid would not be allowed out of the house or on the phone.  Probably for a good long while.  If i did allow time with the boyfriend it would be on my terms and in my house. When she followed the rules she would have more freedom.  When she broke the rules she would have none.

atlmom2
by Susie on Oct. 18, 2013 at 10:26 AM
I agree, 3 sessions was not enough. Give up after 20 or 30, not 3.


Quoting Msgme:

the more you try to get between him and her the more determined she will be to stay with him.  He is not the cause of your dd's bad decision making. She's not a little kid anymore and it wont be that long before she is a legal adult.  she needs consequences for the bad bahavior like drugs and lying.   But the more you disaprove of this boy the longer she will be with him.  Counseling perhaps family counseling as well is a good idea. It will take alot more than 3 sessions tho.

As for the lying and other things My kid would not be allowed out of the house or on the phone.  Probably for a good long while.  If i did allow time with the boyfriend it would be on my terms and in my house. When she followed the rules she would have more freedom.  When she broke the rules she would have none.


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doxie64
by on Oct. 18, 2013 at 1:30 PM

After reading your commnets, I feel like somewhat of a failure in regards to stopping the counseling after only 3 sessions. However, she sat on the sofa with her arms crossed tightly the entire time and barely said two words. Do I keep paying for something that she simply refuses to participate in? I'm thinking of going back for myself. I do not agree that my daughter sounds like the "typical" teenager. I know a lot of kids her age who are on that straight and narrow path. I know that if we now tell her that there is no more talking on the phone to her boyfriend...she will blow up! We may seem like over-the-top parents to some, but when you've been lied to as much as we've been and deeply hurt, I feel we have no other choice than to hold tightly to the reigns. By allowing her to talk on the phone to her boyfriend, we're attempting to give her some freedom without her becoming so incredibly resentful. We're walking a fine line right now. 

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