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He asked her if she was a virgin!!!

Posted by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 9:59 AM
  • 17 Replies

So, i do random phone checks.  Sometimes it's every week or so and sometimes it will go a month or so....depends on my mommy gut.  Well, she has this new boyfriend.  It's been about 2 weeks since they have been "dating".  She is 14 and a freshman,  He is 16 and a junior.  Im not thrilled at all about this!!  

So, after I notice her start to withdrawal and become even MORE obsessed with her phone, I decided to do a phone check.  Read some of the messages back and forth with this guy and all pretty harmless stuff until he asked her if she was a virgin!.  WTF?  yes, she is a virgin and why the hell are you asking her that?? Well, I know why.  Thank God she answered yes or we would be having a bigger problem here!  She danced around the question first then answered and changed the subject.  Later when I talked to her about it, she said she didnt know what to do or say.  I told her to next time say that it's none of your business and then also to get away from the guy.  If he's already asking that his intentions are not good.  and so on and so on...

Well, after all the talking and all the drama over this....she is till talking to him.  Only now she isnt telling me as much about what is going on like she used. to.  

How would you handle this?  My husband (step dad) wants to tell her that she is no longer to be talking to this boy and no more anything.  I dont want to push her closer to him by telling her she has to stop seeing him.  Im just trying to talk to her and give her words of wisdom from my experience.  Wether she likes what i'm saying or not I know she's hearing me.  

So scared! 

by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 9:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
02nana07
by Ida on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:52 AM
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 Sounds like you should sit down and have a heart to heart no judging just listen and tell her from your experience this is what could happen and she needs to be careful.

If you think he is going to pressure her and she will give in get her on birth control because you can't be with her every minute and it is better safe than sorry.

Hopefully she will listen to you but you never know what he is doing or telling her and like you said if you forbid it he only looks better to her. 

cheetah90210
by Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:56 AM
1 mom liked this
Why does she even have a bf at 14
atlmom2
by Susie on Oct. 21, 2013 at 11:04 AM
1 mom liked this
What sex talks have you had. Just because he asks doesn't mean she will give in. My girls didn't. Lets face it though. Most teen boys are out for sex. Their hormones are raging and they will say they are in love for some sex or better yet a BJ.
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drfink
by Emily on Oct. 21, 2013 at 11:30 AM
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 Start talking with your daughter.Make sure she knows that while you are very definite about not having sex ,that if she chooses to make that mistake protection is very important.My daughter is 22 now ,she waited till she was in college .We talked till we were blue in the face that sex is the culmination of a strong ,long term ,mutually loving relationship.If it is early on it is not that and she ...your daughter also ...deserves to be treated in that matter.If a guy makes her feel she has to have sex for the relationship to flourish then he isn't showing her the concern and love she deserves so he certainly doesn't deserve sex.

I agree forbidding her to see him could back fire.Limit their alone time...she is only 14.Have him over when you are home ,include him in things you do but she is a little young for traditional couple dates. 

atlmom2
by Susie on Oct. 21, 2013 at 11:42 AM
Agree. Anyone worth it, will wait.


Quoting drfink:

 Start talking with your daughter.Make sure she knows that while you are very definite about not having sex ,that if she chooses to make that mistake protection is very important.My daughter is 22 now ,she waited till she was in college .We talked till we were blue in the face that sex is the culmination of a strong ,long term ,mutually loving relationship.If it is early on it is not that and she ...your daughter also ...deserves to be treated in that matter.If a guy makes her feel she has to have sex for the relationship to flourish then he isn't showing her the concern and love she deserves so he certainly doesn't deserve sex.


I agree forbidding her to see him could back fire.Limit their alone time...she is only 14.Have him over when you are home ,include him in things you do but she is a little young for traditional couple dates. 


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bizzeemom2717
by Jen on Oct. 21, 2013 at 11:49 AM
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I have a few thoughts, my first honest opinion is that it seems like sadly a normal question a 16 year old boy would ask a girl he was dating. We made it a pretty solid rule in our home no dating until 16 and one of my reasons was just for that. Boys of course think about sex and are going to ask. The really really scary thing IMO your dd is only 14, danced around the question and after saying yes told you "she didn't really know what to say". I would take a deep breath, realize this kid prob isn't a bad kid, just typical hormonal teen and talk, talk, talk to her about boundaries and respect. You have already allowed the dating with her only being 14 she HAS to feel confortable saying no to everything. Most boys will ask for oral sex instead of sex if a girl is a virgin. Make sure you talk with your daughter ASAP about just how she will respond to this? Go through all the scenarios. Even if you think they are never "alone" lots happens at school. Taking without over reacting and calmly is crucial and like the poster above me said she talked with her daughter til she was blue in the face. I have 2 older ones in college boy and girl this seemed to work with them and so far has worked well with my 15 year old. Good luck
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lilmomma625
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 12:14 PM

I guess I should clarify "dating".  She has never been on an actual date...this is just what they call it when they are in this bf/gf relationship.  Makes no sense to me either.  She is not allowed to go on a date till she's 16.  But, here's another problem.  We live within 10 minutes of a theme park.  We have season passes.  She likes to go with her friends sometimes on a saturday afternoon.  No big deal right, parents drop their kids off and pick them up. We just started doing this a few months ago.  She went 2 times with her 12 year old brother and has been once with a girl she's friends with and they meet up with about 5 or 6 other friends usually.  Well, now that is not happening anymore either becuase this bf also goes too.  Thank God the park is closing down for winter after next weekend! She isnt allowed to go anywhere alone unsupervised.  Except school.  Which I do agree....lots of things can happen at school.  

 I am just freaking out.  I'll keep talking to her without over doing it.  I wish we could just fast forward this age!!! 


Quoting bizzeemom2717:

I have a few thoughts, my first honest opinion is that it seems like sadly a normal question a 16 year old boy would ask a girl he was dating. We made it a pretty solid rule in our home no dating until 16 and one of my reasons was just for that. Boys of course think about sex and are going to ask. The really really scary thing IMO your dd is only 14, danced around the question and after saying yes told you "she didn't really know what to say". I would take a deep breath, realize this kid prob isn't a bad kid, just typical hormonal teen and talk, talk, talk to her about boundaries and respect. You have already allowed the dating with her only being 14 she HAS to feel confortable saying no to everything. Most boys will ask for oral sex instead of sex if a girl is a virgin. Make sure you talk with your daughter ASAP about just how she will respond to this? Go through all the scenarios. Even if you think they are never "alone" lots happens at school. Taking without over reacting and calmly is crucial and like the poster above me said she talked with her daughter til she was blue in the face. I have 2 older ones in college boy and girl this seemed to work with them and so far has worked well with my 15 year old. Good luck



Niccalyn
by Bronze Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 12:37 PM
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I totally understand your concern, but I have to agree with the poster who said this is sadly a pretty normal question coming from a 16-year-old boy.  And, it doesn't necessarily mean anything regarding his intentions.  He may have been asking so he can gague how far he can try to go with her.  She is two years younger so he may be a little at a loss as to how this will work.  Sadly, he has probably known other 14-year-old girls who were NOT virgins (or who were at least willing to say they weren't).  Him knowing that she is should be a good thing--if he cares for her, he will respect her boundaries.  I highly recommend that you keep talking to her as much as you can, but try really, really hard to be matter-of-fact and not get alarmed about anything she tells you.  As soon as she sees you starting to freak out, even a little bit, she will clam up (this is the voice of experience talking, LOL!).  If you are calm and take things in stride, offer advice and your own experiences, she will be more open with you.  You are right, if you try to pull them apart they will push harder to be together, and may resort to sneaking around.  You don't want that!  Just keep her close, keep talking, stay calm, and hopefully they will soon realize the age difference is too big a deal and move on.  Good luck!

lilmomma625
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 4:03 PM



Great advice! Thank you! 


Quoting Niccalyn:

I totally understand your concern, but I have to agree with the poster who said this is sadly a pretty normal question coming from a 16-year-old boy.  And, it doesn't necessarily mean anything regarding his intentions.  He may have been asking so he can gague how far he can try to go with her.  She is two years younger so he may be a little at a loss as to how this will work.  Sadly, he has probably known other 14-year-old girls who were NOT virgins (or who were at least willing to say they weren't).  Him knowing that she is should be a good thing--if he cares for her, he will respect her boundaries.  I highly recommend that you keep talking to her as much as you can, but try really, really hard to be matter-of-fact and not get alarmed about anything she tells you.  As soon as she sees you starting to freak out, even a little bit, she will clam up (this is the voice of experience talking, LOL!).  If you are calm and take things in stride, offer advice and your own experiences, she will be more open with you.  You are right, if you try to pull them apart they will push harder to be together, and may resort to sneaking around.  You don't want that!  Just keep her close, keep talking, stay calm, and hopefully they will soon realize the age difference is too big a deal and move on.  Good luck!



elsters4
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 6:57 PM

This! My daughters are 13 and 11 and I tell them that they can come to me with anything and I won't judge. We often have heart to heart talks, just one-on-one, usually in the car or something, and it's amazing how much they open up to me when given that opportunity of one-on-one.

Quoting 02nana07:


 Sounds like you should sit down and have a heart to heart no judging just listen and tell her from your experience this is what could happen and she needs to be careful.

If you think he is going to pressure her and she will give in get her on birth control because you can't be with her every minute and it is better safe than sorry.

Hopefully she will listen to you but you never know what he is doing or telling her and like you said if you forbid it he only looks better to her. 


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